How to help my partner with impossible situation?

[ProfessorofDarkArts]

DP and I have been together 5 years, we dont live together. He has an adult child who I guess you’d call troubled. Very chaotic life, ADHD, possibly other conditions, doesn’t work, been in prison twice and lives alone with few friends and no other means of support.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions DP has been sole parent for most of the child’s life, the mother simply isnt interested. He’s honestly a good person who has tried his best to be a good parent although admits he hasn’t always got it right. He never gets a break though. He’s constantly expected to provide money, lifts and support but gets nothing back, not so much as a text on Father’s Day. He really struggles to keep boundaries because there is nobody else and he worries about the consequences of saying no although he does try. I know there’s been self-harm and to be honest neither of us would be surprised if we got the awful phone call that something bad had happened.

It’s really taking it’s toll on DP and his life/work - he’s got a lot of health issues and while I can’t blame them all on this, it’s undeniable that they have an impact. He’s currently juggling a stressful senior role with hospital appointments, tests and scans - then I find out he almost missed an important meeting today because he’d been called at 4amfor what I’m not sure but he obviously didn’t give the right answer as the call ended in a huge row. He just can’t go on like this.

Is there any support he can access? He’s tried counseling but it’s not him that has the issues! His family aren’t interested and his friends are typical blokes and dont really discuss anything like that. It has an impact on our relationship too because I dont know how to help him. Please can anyone advise what we can do - I dont think the child is a bad person but their issues make them incredibly selfish and single minded.

Could your DH have counselling to help get some coping strategies and boundaries in place? I am not saying it’ll solve the issue - of course it won’t as that is his DS, but if he can talk it through then maybe handle it differently. I say handle differently (and not handle better) because there is no right or wrong in this difficult problem - you both have my sympathy.

edited - counselling can be done online and if your DP is senior that may be better. Look at better help dot com

How old is the adult child?

Maybe Andy’s Man Club? May give him male/peer support for this

@DameOfThrones 26

I’ve never heard of Andy’s Man Clyb but just Googled, it sounds like a fantastic resource but I’m not sure it would be right for him or him for the group iyswim.

There will be a local carers association. He could try asking them first. They may know about groups or support that he can access. He can also sign up as a carer at the gp which will entitle him to flu jabs and might let him access some extra help.

Your partner needs to step back: his adult child needs another way of coping than calling dad. What happens when dad is no longer around?

He sounds very enmeshed in sorting supporting his offspring.

He can support from a distance.

Sometimes the only way is to let go. The adult child can find solutions for them self.

It’s not that easy, child really struggles to live a normal life - can’t organise paying bills, cleaning/maintaining their home, won’t speak to anyone on the phone. Terrible with money despite receiving generous benefits. And quite likely to do something reckless if left to their own devices.

It is a great resource. I know men from all backgrounds and family issues who attend

I have a relative like that and whilst it will be easy for people to say just leave him to it, he'll work it out, with severe ADHD that sadly isn't the case. Certainly my relative would be starving and homeless if his father hadn't bought him a flat outright and his sister manages his finances and does his shopping.

I wish I knew the answer but I really sympathize with your partner.

I think the national autistic society will likely have resources, therapists and advice aimed at parents of adult special needs children. Although your stepson doesn't have an autism diagnosis it sounds like the profile would be really similar to a lot of adult autistic people who may be able to feed and clothe themselves but not to work or manage finances so I bet they can help.

Can I ask how you’ll feel when the son is still as demanding and unable of doing anything for himself when he’s 50 and your partner is 24 years older, possibly juggling more health issues, the worry increases rather than lessens, you never get a proper break to enjoy your relationship because there’s always a drama? It’s all very hard for your partner but this is his child, not yours, yet becomes your burden. I’m sure you love your partner very much but is this the life you really want?

This x 100.

And this sounds more ASD than ADHD, in my experience - the lack of friendships and relationships, the inability to of manage daily life independently (regardless of intelligence), addiction issues, emotional regulation challenges, these are all very common presentations in undiagnosed ASD / AuDHD adults.

They have an appointment coming up where hopefully they’ll get a proper diagnosis because it’s very obvious it’s more than just ADHD. Whether they’ll accept it and any related help I don’t know. It’s more likely they’ll use it as a badge of honour and become even more entitled. They’re not the least bit grateful for everything they do have, things that most people work hard for.

I have 2 main issues whatever happens - 1 is that while they ‘can’t’ manage day to day life they have no problems organising themselves when it’s a social thing or something they want to do. The other is the complete lack of gratitude and respect towards my partner, I don’t believe any diagnosis excuses that.

@AnneLovesGilbert why do you think we don’t live together?

I didn’t say anything about your living arrangements. The only point of my post was to say that while you’re worrying about everyone else it’s okay to think about what you want now and in the years ahead. I was trying to be supportive.

Sorry perhaps that came out wrong, I wasn’t being arsey. We dont live together because it means I can keep a bit of distance and tbh I don’t want the child anywhere near my home or to even know where I live. I appreciate maybe that’s not a good basis for a relationship but I love my partner very much and it’s the best compromise I can come up with.

The adult child likely needs therapy to process his feelings about his mother rejecting him. What’s the story there? 😢

Yes I agree but they won’t engage. And make constant excuses for their mother while treating their Dad like dirt.

I genuinely feel for them but their behaviour makes it very hard to be too sympathetic - both my partner and I had difficult childhoods but we don’t take it out on other people or expect special treatment.

I am furious about the mother though, this stuff is seriously affecting my life (as well as obviously DP and child) while she gets off completely unaffected.

The adult son needs a social worker. I mean honestly what would happen if your Dp was suddenly hospitalised? The son needs some sort of help that doesn't come from his Dad. He needs to learn to be independent. His Dad will not be around forever and that is a conversation you can have with your Dp.

My friend saw this coming with her child, she went into supported accommodation like a warden controlled flat. They made sure they paid their bills, had food in their fridges, that sort of thing. But at 26 your Dp's child may be too old to access this. This is why he needs an adult social worker.

The problem is your Dp saves the day every time, so the son never learns to function for themselves.

I am furious about the mother though, this stuff is seriously affecting my life (as well as obviously DP and child) while she gets off completely unaffected.

Maybe the mum is also ND and was unable to cope?

Anyways, there's no help for it.

I'd be thinking about leaving the relationship tbh.

This is all very sad for everybody involved. The Sun is 26 years old and an adult. His dad needs counselling to understand how to put boundaries in place because what he’s been doing for 26 years hasn’t led to any success in terms of helping his son so to carry on doing exactly the same end up with the same useless results.

Sometimes it’s much easier to say that you can’t do it so somebody needs to step in and help. I would suggest that at 26. Its time now for the son to take control of his life and his outcomes, and for your partner to understand he can take a step back.

What kind of future do you realistically see for yourself and your partner here?

Your partner does have issues here and he should engage with therapy. He does the same thing over and over hoping for a different outcome and that's him spinning his wheels going nowhere and no real boundaries. He's got health issues and massive stress and brings chaos with him. This is having a negative effect on your life. You have to keep your partner at a distance to protect yourself and your home.

The only thing you can do is decide if this relationship is worth the chaos and stress it's bringing into your life.

How would the son access a social worker? I don’t understand why this hasn’t been offered before bearing in mind he’s very much ‘in the system’.

DP had extensive counselling but it just focussed on his own past which he’s dealt with as much as you realistically can, it offered no help for the current situation.

Whether the mum is ND is irrelevant, I don’t know or care. Abandoning your child is unforgivable in my book.

I don’t want to leave this relationship not least because FP deserves someone who loves z and supports him but I’m really struggling to see how it can work in these circumstances.

Re social work support - to some extent it depends on where you live, ie the local criteria for support, and whether or not the son fits the criteria. Its hard to advise without knowing the area and the criteria. But your partner should be entitled to support because of his caring role. There is likely to be a carers support worker and/or a carers centre, and he would definitely itely be entitled to a carers assessment in his own right. Contact the council to see what there is and how to access. I know you say his son is in the system but there may or may not be a joint health/social care service and if not, and if he is being dealt with by health for the diagnosis (that was then used to access benefits) then there might not be a lot of information held by social services.

We don’t live in the same area as the son (roughly an hour away) and DP is under the impression he needs to spend 16 hours a week physically helping him to qualify as a carer.