Is it normal for a separated husband to expect this arrangement?

[Adviceseeker35]

My husband left me in February this year saying i made his life a misery, and he needed time to decide what he wanted next, but that he might take me back.

Then three weeks ago I found out he's being having an affair since April last year.

This is where I think he doesn't live on the same planet as the rest of us. He expects us to live together like this for years while he sees his girlfriend very openly including holidays and hotel stays. He's still lying about going to work to see her travelling hundreds of miles in a day.

He seems to think this is all normal and acceptable as we're separated and I drove him to have an affair. Is he mad thinking this is a normal way to live or am I naive and this is normal?

He just can't see anything wrong.

He's lied today about going to work and he's with her hundreds of miles from home. And he sees nothing with that. Means hes not home for our son either. Apparently he never said he was working even though its on the calendar and he was talking yesterday about what he needed to do at work today.

You’re not being naive. What you’ve described isn’t a normal or respectful way to treat a spouse.
If he wanted to end the marriage, he could have been honest and separated properly. Instead, he’s had an affair for over a year, is continuing the relationship, still lying about where he’s going, and at the same time suggesting he might take you back one day. That leaves you in limbo while he gets to live the life he wants.
Whatever problems there were in the marriage, they don’t make his decision to have an affair your responsibility. That’s a choice he made.
Rather than asking whether he thinks this is normal, ask yourself whether it’s acceptable to you. You deserve honesty, respect, and the freedom to make decisions about your own future instead of waiting for someone who is already investing in another relationship.
You don’t have to accept being someone’s backup plan.

I think you may have missed this. In the first post @Adviceseeker35 said "Then three weeks ago I found out he's being having an affair since April last year."

Aren't finances joint? Do you work? You are currently in a situation where you do not have the funds available to you to pay for a solicitor yet your husband has the funds available to travel abroad for leisure. How do you pay for day to day life when he ups and leaves?

op, we can help you but we need more information on how the finances work in your house. Do you have a joint bank account? Do you work?

It’s unfortunately very normal for him to behave this way but also totally unacceptable. My ex did a similar-ish things.

Firstly, I’d accept it’ll take time to get through this and be kind to yourself.

If possible and that probably depends in part on your financial position, I’d do the following:

1. state to him that you are now separated and tell him there’s no going back from that (ie he is NOT going to be clicking his fingers in the future for you to come running back).
2. stop doing cooking/washing/mental load for him for him
3. tell everyone you have separated
4. work out days for each of you to have DC and go out when he has them.

how complex are the financials? You can start divorce using an online service. In my case I was giving my ex the house in exchange to be able to keep other assets so it was straightforward and I just wanted a clean break so it was easy to divorce that way.

Your marriage is irretrievably over so it is not acceptable to be living in the same house without working towards a complete physical and financial separation. He won’t do it because he’s having all his own way and an easy ride right now, so you will have to. He can’t come back, he’s a liar, a manipulator and a cheat so you don’t want him. Tell him that. Find your anger, draw your lines and make it happen. It will be bloody hard, but you will ultimately be much happier for taking your power back. What an absolute piece of shit he is.

Don't be his doormat and let him do this to you. Where is your anger? At the very least make sure his family know what he's doing.

It sounds as if you're still living in the same house. If he's left the marriage, he needs to leave the house! As others have said, just get to a solicitor and put the wheels in motion for a divorce. None of his expectations is normal or reasonable.

We have a joint account which isn't being used.

However last year I started doing more finance wise and splitting as he was running out of money at the end of the month. Even though he earns a lot more than me. I know how what he was spending it on.

Family have been told though some are supporting him and being very judgemental as I've driven him to it, and because I should have done counselling when he wanted it feb last year. Even though he threatened me with divorce if i didn't do it, and didn't follow through with finding one, when the first one wouldn't work with us when I got upset. Unsurprisingly I've dropped contact with them.

Engage a solicitor, when everything is settled you can pay the solicitor, agree this so they know u can’t make initial payments.

Go for the jugular

OP, you're separated (even though you live in the same house).

As you are 'separated, you do zero 'wife work' for him any more.

No washing, ironing, cooking etc, he can get on with that himself. You only do what you and your DC need, nothing else. (He can get his new girlfriend to wash and iron his bloody work clothes and cook his meals for him ffs!)

The last thing you want to be doing is making his life easier!

You can get cracking with applying for the divorce either using https://www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce for a 'no fault' DIY divorce. Check for Fee Exemptions: If you are on a low income, receive state benefits, or have little to no savings, you can apply for a full or partial waiver of the £612 court fee using the government's EX160 form, or you can start an online divorce (Online Managed Divorce (£800 – £1,100): Using an online divorce service to manage the paperwork typically adds £200 to £500 on top of the court fee)

It may seem as if divorce isn't possible for you right now, but it really is! it's just 1 step at a time is all...so take the 1st step...

(And I'm speaking as someone who had to go on benefits when my 1st marriage was over, and I managed to get divorced quite easily)

Are you still doing the wife work for him OP?

You need £600 to file, then you have 20 weeks to make arrangements to pay for the financial order. You will also need to make an occupation order so that he has to leave.

You dont need a solicitor to file or make the occupation order, worth paying for one regarding the finances though, but you have 20 weeks to get the money together for that.

He doesn’t need to leave the house and any half decent solicitor will tell him not too

you can start divorce proceedings However and the house will be determined as part of the financial settlement

He needs to jog on. Do not move out. I’d put money on it he’s seen a solicitor and they’ve told him not to leave the marital home. Tactic is now to make your life a misery so you do. Don’t fall for it - not if you own the house anyway.

So what specifically is he saying that he wanted to discuss in therapy?
What drove him away?
What did you get upset about re the therapy?

It is normal if there is no abuse and you both have a right to live in th property to live together until
its sold or one buys the other out

You don't need a solicitor to file for divorce. You can do it online yourself, and just pay the filing fee. You will need a solicitor for the financial order element (not necessary to get one, but strongly recommended), but that should only be about £1500.

Right now you're allowing someone who has treated you terribly and left you to maintain control over your life. YOU can choose whether to take him back or divorce him.

No, his behaviour isn't normal.

It's not very normal, but it's very common. Mine also did similar-ish.
I found a lot of moral support over at chumplady.com

OP, where on earth is your say in all this? How come you are so placid about this? Dont let him decide for YOU what is best for HIM. You have a say too.

Stop catering to his sorry ass and take the initiative and separate. He sees no value in you whatsoever so how come you are waiting for him to decide? Common already, he doesn't love you clearly, whatever he may feed you verbally. Find your worth because he is treating you appallingly.

He has no ownership of you. Seriously some men really take the utter piss.

Doesn't matter what he thinks, you are not entertaining the idea so don't waste time thinking about it. To be honest, even him moving out but saying that 'he might take you back' suggests that he might have a history of walking all over you - other women would have told him to F off. You are letting him dictate too much here. Perhaps he thinks/knows that you will do anything to keep him. He's cheated, he wants you to hang around while he either gets it out of his system or until he knows his affair is going to work. Take control. The marraige is over, take steps to end it formally, only speak to him to discuss the divorce or your son. Divorce might be expensive but what's the alternative, stay married while he cheats?