New partners snoring is putting me off them

[FlyingBeGoat]

I’ve seeing some for about 9 months now- and everything is good apart from my partners snoring- it’s so loud I don’t sleep when we stay over together, at the beginning it was fine- but now we are seeing each other more often - I’m almost feeling a bit sleep deprived sometimes, we are both in our 50’s , I’m quite fit - they are overweight ( their words ), we recently had a holiday together and I was absolutely knackered after it !

this is starting to become an issue for me and I’m really sure how to broach it with out causing offence

any advice would be welcome

Does he do anything about it? There are nose tapes. Also mouth guards from the dentist. If he's overweight and sleeps on his back, nothing will help unless he loses the weight.

I spent 10 years with a snorer (although mouth guard helped). Never again.

Oh that is tough. I think even when you are properly in love with and committed someone you cam get pretty pissed off if they snore loudly, so it is no wonder you are going off a new partner who does it!

I would honestly suggest separate bedrooms for sleeping and this will just annoy you more and more.

You do need to tell them. They won't know they are snoring as they are asleep when it happens (obviously)

I think all you can do is bring it up one day when you have time to have a nice relaxed chat about it (!).

From previous threads it seems to be that it will depend what he does about it. If he does bugger all and doesn't care that you are getting rubbish sleep every time you spend a night together then you are on shaky ground.

If he takes it seriously, uses it as motivation to lose weight, goes to the doctor, does research into how to help ie the nose tapes mentioned above, then you have a chance.

Snoring is the devil's work and only if he has exhausted all avenues can he say he can't help it. Best of luck.

What is he doing to resolve the impact to your quality of life?
My snoring partner didn't do anything for two years until I eventually said I felt I was dying from sleep deprivation. I didn't say it lightly either, my two children had reflux and CMPA as babies and toddlers. I was a ghost during those early years.
Anyway, all of my previous complaints and efforts to sleep anywhere but in the same bed were seen as casual commentary until I stood, baffled by exhaustion, in our bedroom and said it might be killing me.
Then, he got a CPAP machine and our lives improved considerably.
I'm still bitter that it took two years. I was pale and exhausted constantly. I was afraid to drive a car. Nights spent listening to him snore and not breath and then eventually the big HUGGGGHHHHHH and then he'd be breathing again. Terrified the life out of me.

When you discuss it his reaction is crucial. Had an ex who thought my sleep deprivation was amusing and freaked out if I slept on the sofa.

I don’t understand the reticence to say anything. After my very first night with my then boyfriend I jokingly said never again as he snores like a train. He said omg he had no idea and booked a night in a sleep lab (private) and got a CPAP machine. We have since married but we wouldn’t have if I hadn’t been able to either speak to him or sleep!

Thank you for the advice, I’m the male and she is the snorer ( and a sensitive about her weight issues)

Thank you- I’ve not had that discussion with her yet

No - she has not done anything about it yet , and no she hasn’t done anything about her weight ( and has a sedentary lifestyle)

Send him to spare room if you have one or home

I knew this wasn't going to be a man and was careful to use they/them pronouns as you did in your op.

You need to tell her how much it is disturbing you and she can either sort it out through weight loss, nose strips, CPAP machine or whatever, OR she needs to sleep in another room

I’d go out for dates but sleep in your own home. A snoring partner is torture

OP, if you google it you’ll get lots of advice.

But you start by saying something about it to her. Why wouldn’t you?

Mounjaro cured my husband’s snoring.

All the best, OP. I understand how you feel, my friend.

Obviously there's advice about losing weight, that will almost certainly be a big part of it. There are things she can do to help depending on the problem (nose tape, sinus spray, mouth guards, etc) - but really, she should be seeing a GP. It won't be doing her any good, especially if it's veering into sleep apnea.

And if I was you, I'd invest in some ear plugs.

I think if I were you I would just say I was going to sleep in another room.
Cuddle before bed together in the evening and in the morning.
I appreciate some partners might not be happy about that, but what can you do?

A bugger issue might be if her health problems bother you and you don't feel she takes them seriously - that could be an incompatibility.

Yes - I thought I was being quite careful not to give away my gender!

obviously her weight is an issue- and she is quite sensitive about her weight and it affects her in several ways ( including the snoring), so need to find a tactful way to raise this as an issue for me ( it’s not really my place to be asking her to lose weight)

I didn't jump to any conclusions about your gender tbh. I actually thought you were a woman dating another woman. I just knew the snoring partner was not a man from how you worded it

Buy an antisnoring pillow, they work!!

Ah, I wrongly assumed man, sorry.

Sleep deprivation is a literal killer - and makes life utterly miserable. You have to talk to her. She may not even know she snores. I think I'd raise it as an issue and suggest she seeks advice from GP/pharmacist/dentist as you believe there are things that can help (and not mention her weight if she's touchy about it). Let them give her the bad news as it sounds like it'll be her weight. If she isn't open to seeking help, then you'll know how little she actually cares about you.

Happy Ears earplugs for her/him

OP I am impressed by your concern for her weight sensitivity but your mental health and sleep is more important.

You don't need to mention her weight though? Just mention the snoring. Maybe not in a "this is putting me off you - I want to jump out the window when I hear it" sort of way.

Just "Kate, I don't know if you are aware but you snore pretty loudly. It is actually keeping me awake when we stay in the same room, which I cannot keep doing", and go from there? She can either look at ways to stop it or you can not sleep in the same room anymore

I'm not sure what you can do @FlyingBeGoat . It massively put me off ex-DP. Made me want to bludgeon him in his sleep and that was with the benefit of Alpine sleep ear buds and white noise blasting out. Was one of the many contributory factors in the downfall of our relationship.

Suggest she gets checked for sleep apnoea. It can be awful for your health.