Friend is "sick" all the time and asking for help

[Saddaughter999]

Hello everyone, looking for advice - my friend has some ongoing issues with her husband and their marriage and I strongly believe she pretends to have some "mysterious" illnesses to keep him.
Everything started a yer ago when she told me about their marriage issues- husband had problems with alcohol, both slept in separate rooms, no intimacy, etc. I didn't know all the details but my husband told me some gossips because he works with her husband. Turned out he tried to offer divorce but she refused (she didn't tell me about it).
Since then - she had probably more than 20 GP visits, around 10 visits to A&E with every single body part in pain. She had MRI, multiple scans, bloods, etc - she is perfectly fine. For the last couple of months she started to ask my help to go to A&E as she feels "so bad", that she can't be on her own. We bumped to the same staff members at A&E and even they asked me questions about her mental health as they recognised her coming every few days.
However, she seems to be absolutely fine when she wants, she recently had a holidays with other friends and spent a week at 40+ degrees with zero issues. As soon as she landed to uk- she's sick again- stomach, ears, back, brain fog, blurred vision- possibly every single illness. Yesterday she had a party with our friends and today she's calling me again, to help with A&E.
She is alone in UK, we both arrived here from the same country. However, I feel that I'm just wasting my time (as usually we spent around 12hrs at A&E). As someone who had depression by myself, I strongly believe it's not her issue....
Any thoughts? Thank you

Perhaps you should tell her that the level of support she needs is beyond what you can give and she needs to make other arrangements. My view is that she is using you - if you don’t let her (by not responding to her) she will stop using you. “Sorry I am busy today, hope everything goes well at hospital “ then do not respond - mute her messages and silence her calls. If it doesn’t decrease you may need to block her. Your own health, family and work must be your priority.

Honestly, people with chronic illnesses who struggle day to day, and feel a burden on those around them, have to be strong-armed into any A and E situation.
It is bad enough under normal circumstances last time mine was like a comedy of errors. I was on a bed in a corridor for eternity and needed a wee. Asked if I could use my Shee-Wee - no.
In the end two nurses wheeled me into an empty corridor and put something cardboard underneath me. And I said to them do you know I had quite the life when I was fit and now I can’t even piss into a cardboard box straight.
So, no this woman can’t be that ill even if she has conditions which move up and down. And some conditions don’t always show in tests.
However, if she were a long term friend you knew well, you would know just by looking at her if she were poorly.
You need your life back so take it.
If you aren’t around she will have to make other plans and that’s life.

I have a friend like this and it is very tiring. She got - dog, and surpruse suprise the dog also now has multiple heath problems so the conversation is only ever about one or other of their medical interventions and medication.

The A&E department will have her flagged on their record system as a “frequent flyer”. Her GP will be aware, as GPs are notified when one of their patients attends A&E. I’m surprised the GP hasn’t raised the issue with her and tried to attend to the likely mental health problems behind it.

Some people genuinely feel mental health issues as sickness or physical pain. It might not be real in that there's nothing physically wrong with her, but she might not be lying either.

Explain that you're not able to accompany her next time. If she feels like she needs medical attention she can still go, but you're not willing or able to go with her.

You literally need to just ignore her and take longer to respond to her.

Whether it’s health anxiety or attention, the more attention you give her, the worse it will be for you and her.

I would be backing off from the friendship entirely.

Do not answer any phone calls.
Have a few excuses ready.
If she texts saying she needs to go to A&E then say you’ve had a few drinks so can’t drive, waiting on the plumber, having an important work meeting etc.
Say you’re really sorry you can’t help but you hope she gets it seen to and then don’t reply for a while.

It helps to set your phone up where you can see the notifications come up and read most of the message before clicking on it - that way you have time to think of an excuse.

@chocoluv "You literally need to just ignore her"

This ^ is good advice.

She's not a 'friend' she's an individual with issues that will drag you down if you let her.
IMO you need to get tough and tell her you can't help her any more and if she persists in pestering you you'll block her.

Agree with previous posters, you need to mute her. That way she can spam your phone to her heart's content, but it won't disturb you. Don't respond to her or pick up her calls. The next day text something like "I hope you're feeling better now" then ignore her again for an entire day. She is messaging you because you respond. If you stop responding she'll find someone else to fuss over her. She's using you to soothe her own mental health issues, so stop soothing her.

If you want to be more direct you can text her something like "I can no longer help you or support you. Texting and calling me 50x a day is very inappropriate, please get some support for your mental health." Then entirely block her. That's very 'final' though. Maybe keep that one in your pocket for when she inevitably turns up at your house to harass you.

Factitious Disorder

I'd just block her frankly

Put her on silent and don't respond to her. Busy as a bee from now on, gosh I don't have time to sit in A&E for 12 hours, must run I'm so busy. Repeat as needed.
You don't drive but you're paying for a taxi to get her there and back,am I right? You feel sorry for her but you've done enough now, she's a grown adult and you are not her mother!

Compassion fatigue is a thing. Just make yourself more unavailable

How the hell did she get holiday insurance for a trip abroad? My insurance has gone up by £120 just because my Dr lowered my blood pressure tablets dose then two months later put it back to the original because it was a change in medications

Maybe she’s using the ‘Go fund me’ insurance. Ie. No travel Insurance, and then expects others to pay if things go wrong.

She doesn't care about things like this. And her husband can pay for private scan or appointment in UK, but definitely not for health care in Dubai.

She sounds an absolutely absolute nightmare and it’s such a tricky situation for you with both DHs working together.

How has she been since you first posted?

Has she had her house checked for mould?

It could be that her marriage breakdown has triggered extreme health anxiety. You say you are not a close friend so tell her straight you can't help any more and she needs to pay for taxis to A&E or private health care for physical and mental health checks, then don't respond to any more messages. You have to take control of the situation otherwise it will not change. If you do nothing, nothing will change, it's up to you.

Thank you everyone for your messages. So ,today is the day- I blocked her !

Good going. I hope she gets the message but don't be surprised if she shows up at your door with a sob story.

Good news! I hope she leaves you in peace now.

Well done!