Would it be unreasonable to ask my separated husband to join us on holiday

[pboothpbooth]

Husband and I separated about 5 months ago. We are still in contact albeit logistics only almost daily for the kids.

I don’t really know who ended it, we hadn’t been getting along for a long time and it all just came to a head. Both of us probably said let’s end it in he heat of the moment. We lived in separate rooms for a couple of months. He eventually rented a flat and moved out.

i was offered an apartment in France for a month at a really fair rate and i am now here with my two younger kids. Having been full of confidence before we came now we are one week in I am feeling lost, lonely, bereft, having to hide so the kids don’t see me bursting into tears.

I miss him and I wish he was here with us. For me, for him, for the kids.

the kids are being great so that’s not the issue. It’s really hot and the days are long. Yes I could come home early but I’ve been paying this off monthly and spent my savings on it all flights and spending money. The lids would be sad to go home.

what I am asking is, it’s it completely crazy to ask him if he wants to join us? I’m aware the answer might be no.

I feel like I will need to give in and go home if we have 3 moire weeks here just us. Am I just irrational?

If he says no, how will you handle it?

I don’t think it’s fair on the kids to give such a mixed message, you’re either together or you’re not. When you say younger kids, are there others not with you?

I would probably prepare myself that it would be no. I feel I need to ask??

just me and two kids 10 and 8

Asking him to come is a terrible idea, it would send the message both to him and to you that you are unable to cope without him which isn’t a great message to send yourself or him. If you do end up inviting him for a few days you should do it from a place of, we’re having a fantastic time and you might want to share in that with us. Not, please rescue me, I can’t cope.

As you’re there for an extended time, I would treat this much like you’re living there as a local. Make use of local Facebook groups, look at where people are taking their children and how they’re coping with the heat. Plan some day trips to coastal areas, maybe go and buy some extra fans id you need to to help cool things. The reality is it’s hot here too and the days will still feel long.

If it were me, I’d get everyone up and out early, get fresh pastries and things for breakfast. Go to shady parks or pools. Then I’d come back for a rest, put children down for naps or enforce quiet time with screens, books, drawing etc. then early evening out for a cool drink somewhere before picking up some fresh bits for tea or getting dinner out. Then out for ice cream and a play at the park as it’s getting slightly cooler. Basically, live like a local would not a tourist.

I have a friend a few streets down but she’s here with her husband and teens and she’s been great but they are on their own holiday too.

im sorry I probably sound ridiculous. I thought it would be a trip of a lifetime now I’m sad and anxious about it all, it was too ambitious I get it now.

Honestly don’t do this to the kids, they are adapting to your separation and it is selfish to confuse them.

If you do this it's an acknowledgment that you need him and want him for longer than just this trip to France - stressful situations will always occur and that is just life. So tread carefully.

This is great advise. Take it one day at a time and don't think about the time ahead.

Get some crusty bread and cheese, stick on a movie marathon for the hottest part of the day, and find a local pool. Stick fizzy drinks in wine glasses and cheers this adventure with the kids. Let them pick the agenda for tomorrow, and your only decision is how tentatively to say yes to their suggestions.

Don't bother with touristy spots, they'll make you feel more lonely.

First solo holiday is a big deal. It makes things feel really real. Be kind to yourself and breath through this.

If you do need someone to join you, think friend or family member, not ex.

Ok thanks I do think I am panicking but it’s been since we got here I’ve felt like this so it’s not just a one time freak out. Thank you for the kind tips.

I think tell him you made a mistake and want to get back together and he can come and join you.

or don’t. It would be unfair on the kids

How often are you seeing your friends? What was the r when you decided to go to the same place? Was it a joint holiday?

i cant get my heads around the set up with the cheap holiday but you paid it off monthly and can’t afford to come home, yet your friends are nearby?

Ask yourself what you want from him being there?
is it a reaction to holidays normally being with him and a grief that he will no longer?
or is it that you think the separation was a mistake and you want to reconnect. If so, tell him.

Ask yourself whether you want to get back with him, ie love him, or whether your just feeling lonely and fed up. Only invite him if the former.

From experience I understand how dreadful it makes you feel watching other complete families enjoying themselves when you are newly separated. Is there a friend or relative you could ask to join you perhaps 💐

Yes, because even if he did come in the lomg run it isn’t good for you.

Options:
Ask a friend or family member to join you.
Just come home and chalk it up to experience.
tough it out.

What specifically would your ex bring? Shared parenting and an adult to chat to? That’s not good enough to much around with the kids understanding of your split.

Easier said than done but you need to separate being lonely and wanting to get back with your husband. If you invite him you need to be sure you want to get back together. I remember feeling huge loneliness going away on my own when I was with my ex when we were going through a rough time. I knew I didn’t want to be with him but being somewhere on my own was odd and I missed the company and doing things on my own that he’d normally do or what we would do together.
it’s uncomfortable but I got through it and started to feel better about being on my own.

Hi it wasn’t a cheap holiday, is there such a thing? I was offered a good rate for the month and I have been paying it off on Klarna, is that a strange thing to do? Same with the flights. I could afford to come home however as I said the kids would be disappointed, money would be wasted ultimately. I have a friend here, I know the area well from working around here years ago. It’s no hardship to stay. However emotionally I am not in a good place and I am seeking advice.

Thank you. This is part of it I think. My friend who is here is with her husband and it’s nice to catch up but I also don’t want to intrude or become a burden to them.

I don’t know what I want I have felt bereft since he left. I guess I wanted it to woork out and it hasn’t and I am still upset about it all. It was 15 years.

Just from a practical and logistical side; how would that work?

Presumably your ex has a job that he can’t just drop at a moment’s notice to fly out to France?

I also assume that as you’re having the kids for a month now, he’s probably booked time off work to have them later in the summer holidays, so would he even have enough annual leave to be able to cover it?

As a widow, I know how hard solo-parenting is, especially when you’re out of the usual routine, but it does get easier with practice, it’s never easy but it can get easier.

Sending you positive vibes for the rest of your break.

Holidays can really highlight how alone you feel, how single you are.

But it’s also wonderful that you’ve done this. You are coping. Your dcs are having a great time. Lucky kids having a mum like you.

Keep going. You can do it!

Five months is no time at all, OP. This is a natural stage of grief, try not to dwell on it more than that and find pleasant distractions. I'm sure you didn't both imagine that you were incompatible.

I'm not so sure that him coming for five days or so would be such a bad idea. The kids are old enough to be told that he is coming for his own holiday and also to see them. He is not coming because you're getting back together.

The thing that I'm not sure about is how you feel about him. If you want to get back together then I wouldn't ask him to fly out. If you feel like it would just be a nice thing for him to have a few days with the kids in the sunshine then go for it.

I imagine you're tired and overwhelmed. Solo parenting abroad for that long is new to you. It'll take a while to settle into.

“just me and two kids 10 and 8”

You’re away for a month? Do these children not go to school?

It’s the school holidays in Scotland and Ireland.

Scotland schools finished 23 June?

Ugh, I shared a week's holiday with my then separated husband! Seemed like a good idea at the time, did it more for the kids. I wanted to drown him in the bloody sea by the end of that week. He misinterpreted the request, the kids were a nightmare and evenings after they were in bed were so long. You can do this! Its nostalgia kicking in, remembering the happier times, just have a good reflection of what joint holidays were really like.