m 36 and have been with my partner for 5 years. We own a house together, have built a lovely life and are genuinely very happy. Before we moved in together we each had our own flats in London, which we now rent out, so we're financially secure and committed in every practical sense.
The issue is marriage.
I was married once before. It lasted just over a year. I know people will assume there was some huge drama, but there wasn't. Once we got married it suddenly felt like everyone had expectations of us. What we should be doing, when we'd have children, family obligations, all of it. I felt like I was constantly performing as a wife rather than just being myself. Eventually I cracked under the pressure and ended the marriage.
A few years later I met another lovely man. I told him from the start that I didn't want to get married again, at least not for a long time. He surprised me with a very public proposal???! I said yes because I didn't want to humiliate him in front of everyone, but afterwards I admitted I didn't actually want to marry. Unsurprisingly the relationship ended. He's now happily married with baby, very happy for him! We're still amicable and he once said he simply doesn't understand me.
Now my current partner is starting to talk about marriage. He knew my history from our first date. He says this relationship is different and that we should give it a chance.
The thing is, I love him deeply. I genuinely can't imagine my life without him. But I don't want to be married. I don't even really know why beyond the fact that I simply don't want to be. I don't need a wedding or a husband. I'm happy having a partner.
I also don't want to change my name. I know nobody has to these days, but I've worked incredibly hard for my PhD and built my career under my own name. It feels like who I am.
I think a lot of this also comes from what I've seen growing up. My parents' marriage wasn't one, my mother simply put up with it for some reason, they celebrated 50 years of marriage but in my head I just thought, your marriage hasn’t kept up to many of the vows, it’s a false marriage, it’s not real. I was very disappointed in my mother for staying with my father, she’s a well educated woman sadly she succumbed to him. He’s not a bad person at all. I just think their marriage wasn’t healthy my mum did everything, it’s weird and she seemed drained yet stayed. It’s not a marriage I'd ever want for myself. My siblings' marriages aren't either. I know every marriage is different and maybe my family has just had bad luck, but it's difficult not to be influenced by what you've spent your whole life watching.
Recently I stayed with my sister and her husband for a couple of weeks. I came away genuinely shocked. He refers to looking after his own children as "babysitting", barely helps around the house and there was so much weaponised incompetence it was painful to watch. My sister did absolutely everything and looked completely drained. My partner noticed the dynamic too without me even pointing it out. Same dynamic with my brother and his wife, she seems to just do everything he has 4 young children yet is always out cycling with my partner, they recently cycled from Cornwall to Scotland how he’s got time to do that I do not know. Left his wife alone with the children? She told me she didn’t want him to go then said ‘such is life what can you do’ YOU HAVE A CHOICE. You can leave ?!
The strange thing is in terms of my sister, my brother in law wasn't like that when they were just together. It seemed to develop after marriage and children.
Then I look at some of my friends. Their husbands all seem like lovely men, but somehow the wives end up carrying the mental load while the husbands are off golfing, cycling or doing whatever hobby they enjoy for hours. The wives are left organising everything, looking after the children and running the household.
My partner cycles most Saturdays with his friends, usually 60–80 miles, but he's out before I've even woken up. He leaves the kitchen spotless before he goes, messages to ask if I need anything while he's out and often comes home with little surprises. He cooks, cleans and does as much around the house as I do. We genuinely feel like a team.
I suppose that's what I'm frightened of losing. Not because I think marriage magically changes people overnight, but because I seem to have watched so many relationships where, once marriage and children happen, people stop prioritising each other. The wife becomes the default parent and household manager while the husband slowly becomes more passive or complacent.
Maybe I'm completely projecting because of what I've experienced and witnessed. Maybe I'm being unfair to my partner because he's given me absolutely no reason to think he'd become like that. But I honestly love the life we've built together exactly as it is and I don't understand why marriage is seen as the natural next step.
It’s as if they steal all your light and energy, these are all very lovely, adventurous, ambitions women yet now let men walk all over them. You have a choice and you can very well leave! Yes it’s sad for the children but the children are witness a marriage that isn’t rooted in partnership the labour isn’t equal.
Why does it seem so important? Why isn't building a life together enough? Am I being unreasonable for wanting us to stay partners forever rather than husband and wife?
I just want to hear different views, from married women especially. I know they’re healthy marriages it seems I am just exposed to very odd dynamics or at least I see it as odd.
The laws are changing. I know marriages are better in terms of some aspects but things are changing.