How do you end a marriage when the other person doesn’t want to?

[berriesinthesummer]

Long story short, we have been together most of our adults lives but it’s never been happy. I am criticised and belittled on a daily basis, and he shouts constantly. He says he wouldn’t shout if I didn’t do everything wrong. Even my father in law says he feels so sorry for me. It’s like water off a duck’s back though at this point.

We have separate rooms and live mostly separate lives. We don’t talk about things in our lives unless we must. We don’t go out together unless essential as he embarrasses me.

I gave up on him changing long ago and I was dumb to think he would. People don’t change.

He wants to stay together in this arrangement though as the dual income life works for him. We own a house together and he has a lot of disposable income as a result. When I have said I am not happy and this should end he either gets very unpleasant and says I would have to sort out EVERYTHING or he says how much he loves our life and I feel guilty. He says I should be grateful I have an ‘easy’ life (financially).

I know people leave marriages everyday but I feel like it’s harder if the other person doesn’t at least agree it’s the right thing to do.

You do not need anyone's permission to end a relationship. A plan. Determination. Backbone. That's all you need. You already have a job.

Just walk out the door. Get your own place . File for divorce. Sort out finances thru the process.
He wont make a move out. So you have to. You only live once.

But why does his happiness matter more than yours? I'm sure he does love the dual income and the disposable spending money - at the detriment of you! YOU matter too

It sounds like he actually does want to end the marriage but he wants to keep all the stuff and have a cleaner. That’s all you are to him. Just think of yourself and how happy you could be.

This. Then pop into a solicitor and explain the issue. Ask them to help you with the paperwork. Do you have children? Will you need to arrange access?

No children

That makes it so much easier.

Do you have a friend who has been through a divorce. Someone who can talk you through the basic process. Or can recommend a friendly solicitor?

Start the proceedings. He either buys you out of the house or it gets sold. No children - this makes it so much easier. He doesn't get to decide how you live. Take the initiative and look forward to the future.

You work out how you want to handle it - go see a solicitor and get the ball rolling.

Things to be wary of - any money in joint accounts can be moved out by either of you. Don't get into arguments using solicitors letters back and forth - very expensive and usually pointless. Stick to the practical matters required. Solicitors charge pretty much by the minute and are very expensive.

First thing is work out what is needed for living arrangements through the divorce.

Go to a solicitor. They will guide you through it.

You need to make a decision and stick to it. Tell him it’s over, don’t ask for permission. Look at finances and how you’d live, when you know you can do it, go on line and apply for divorce.

You don't need his approval or agreement to end the relationship.

And you'll never get it anyway. You know he likes the dual income and emotional punchbag services you provide. He's happy the ways things are.

Stop waiting for him to do the right thing or to have your decisions validated by him. He doesn't even like you, you're just useful.

Stop feeling guilty. He never wastes a second feeling guilty about the way he treats you.

You don’t need to move out. Might be better to stay put in case he’s obstructive to estate agents and prepping for sale etc.

There’s a guide on the gov.uk website if you’re based in England or Wales, includes link to process for Scotland. https://www.gov.uk/get-a-divorce

Quietly get some legal advice. Very quietly. Assuming your legal advice is that you are allowed to put half the money in your own account do that when the time is right. Or less if you think that's fairer? I imagine you will want to do that when you are ready to walk out the door. Do you have a job and the means to rent a small place? The alternative is to be clear you are legally separating and start the divorce legal process while living with him. That may help address disputes over the house but I imagine it would be pretty hellish and potentially risky. Good luck

See a solicitor. That's what I did.

Go see a solicitor to find out your rights first, then collect all the paperwork.

All assets go into the marital pot, house equity, pensions, savings etc and then get split. With no children the likelihood is 50/50. Either he buys your share of the house or it gets sold.

Accept that it will be you decluttering and getting the EA in. Accept it will be you getting the paperwork for the solicitor. Accept it will be you doing it all, but then I'm guessing you are doing it all already while he does what he wants, when he wants. If he refuses to sell the house then a judge can enforce the sale. It costs more in terms of money and time but it is entirely doable.

EDIT
I know people leave marriages everyday but I feel like it’s harder if the other person doesn’t at least agree it’s the right thing to do.

I'm thinking the majority of splits are like that tbh but it can be just as difficult with a partner who agrees with the split, at least to your face, but still leaves everything to you. I actually had to fill in his Form E while he sat watching me and searched out rentals for him, I had to do multiple tip runs etc. It's just in a different soul sucking way. But the end result is the same. Peace and freedom.

You just file the divorce papers. He doesn’t get to call the shots or refuse.

Have you had legal advice yet?

Please just go.

Under the new laws he doesnt have to agree. See a solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

Life is so short. Quietly seek legal advice and have your own copies of paperwork, financial information etc. Decide if you are going to stay in the house while it’s going on or move out. You don’t need his permission or agreement. Might he be awful while go through the proceedings? Most likely. Will he make you do everything and be difficult? Almost certainly. But it sounds like life is awful anyway, so do you want to do this for a few months or for the rest of your life?

Go get yourself a better life. Go get legal advice asap.

This, OP. No-one else can or will do this for you.

He is fine to maintain the status quo because he's a sad little fuck with no imagination or get-up-and-go to improve his situation so he thinks he wants to just continue even though you're miserable. I guarantee you, if another woman came along to do his domestic stuff he'd be perfectly happy to end it then because men like that only leave a relationship once they've secured a new one.

Would he dare speak to anyone at his work the way he speaks to you? Not a snowball's chance in hell.

This horrible creature that you are living with - you owe it nothing. It's stealing the best years of your life which simply cannot be allowed to continue and you have to be the one to make the change. If you're stuck on the specifics of how to go about it, people here who have made difficult exits can help.

His own father has expressed sympathy for you - no-one is going to judge you for leaving a situation that is terrible for you. So don't judge yourself, just start getting rid of this dead weight awful man.

What they all said ^^

What's actually stopping you, OP?

You don't need his permission. Just go and see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

Please don’t allow this to be the rest of your life. If this was your mum/sister how would you feel? Ok so you both obviously love MONEY but please love yourself more. If he lost his job & had no income would you want to stay so much, or vice-versa. He so obviously has no respect for you so it’s important you have some for yourself no matter how scary get out - what a waste of a life

See a solicitor. Just do it. Leave