Can this marriage be saved

[Lonely12]

I’ve been married for 16 years, together 19. Husband is in his late 50s and I’m towards late 40s. We have two teenagers.
I have been unhappy in my marriage for a few years. I’ve tried talking to my husband but nothing seems to change. We had couple therapy in past and he refuses to try marriage counselling, says we have already done it.
we don’t have a sex life, haven’t had sex in over 2 years, it had already greatly reduced before then, this has been my husbands choice.

over 2 years ago he told me he found me less attractive and told me a list of stuff, my weight been one, I was a size 18, I had put weight on due to been in a lot of pain due to physical health issues, physical health issues are still ongoing. I’m now a size 8. He listed my mental health, sweating, a medication was causing me to have night sweats.

my husband is overweight, he told my son that he is happy with his weight. He doesn’t shower, used to get a bath once a week but that’s reduced, he gets a wash in the sink every day. Doesn’t change his socks for days, his jeans or shorts, he wears same pair for weeks. He thinks it’s fine to trump around us and it usually stinks. There is not much affection there. I can’t even imagine wanting to have sex with him.
I’ve suggested more than once that we split up but he doesn’t want to. Now our children are older and we don’t need a babysitter, we still hardly do anything as just a couple.
he seems to think that it’s one rule for him and another for me, for example I’ve developed another physical health problem and on on medication to try and reduce the sweating, at the moment it’s flared up and I’m having night sweats, it feels like he blames me

From your previous thread, there looks to be high level of joint debts. Legal advice needed

I would imagine that some of your health issues are due to the stress of being in an unhappy environment without an escape route. I'e. psychosomatic.
Can I suggest that you see a massage therapist that has the ability to release your psoas muscle/nerve by deep tissue massage, breathwork and mindfulness and see if that releases the tension in your body and makes you feel relaxed. A bit like letting a wound up spring go.

I would file for divorce, you don’t have to live like this. Get legal advice asap.

I’ve suggested more than once that we split up but he doesn’t want to.

You don't need his approval or agreement to end it.

This marriage is not worth saving. He is bringing absolutely nothing to the relationship except stress and greed and making you ill and stressed. You are also setting an example to your sons about how to not to have a relationship. Demonstrate there is no shame is calling time on one which has run its course.

Absolutely wait it out until GCSC's are done and then just walk. in the meantime get legal advice and work out how to walk away from this 'marriage' (which at the end of the day is just a contract which needs ending).

He really needs counselling about his attitudes. The fact he doesn't want to split gives some hope he could change, but is he going to put the work in? The ball's in his court to start it-if he does, then it's up to you if he can change enough.

Get rid of the fatty arbukle @Lonely12.
In answer to your question, your marriage can not be saved.

If it were me, I’d probably try to coexist in the house until they’ve finished A levels then split up.

He brings nothing to the “relationship”. It sounds like the only part of your marriage remaining is the paperwork. The love, affection, care and touch has gone. Of course there’s no sex when he’s shown such little care for you. He’s checked out - oddly before you did as he sounds gross to me.

Use the next few years to provide stability for the kids and time to save money and work out your plan. Then leave him and find freedom. You can’t stay with a man like this forever, it’s not fair on either of you. He may THINK he wants to stay together but it sounds like the only thing either of you are getting from the situation is routine. Not rocking the boat. But you only live once and how terribly sad would it be to stay together another 30 years as unhappy as you are. It’s not like you haven’t tried.

You say you don’t want to hurt him? Well
from this and previous posts he doesn’t give a toss about hurting you or your children.
He brought a huge amount of debt into the marriage.
You have recently moved and he’s used the new mortgage as a way of paying off previous debt.
He is in debt again.
I wondered how he managed to work with such revolting hygiene but he works from home.
He is in full control of your home and also, added to that, of you. The mortgage is in his name only.
God knows what he’s spending all this money on because he doesn’t appear to go anywhere or do anything.
You have posted several times this year, twisting yourself in knots over this man. He acts like a decrepit, ageing, nasty father. He won’t discuss anything with you and is leaving your home in a mess, sometimes without heat or hot water.
You have overcome some considerable health issues to retrain. You have lost weight. You are doing your best and you are a good mum.
But this is NO life for you or for your children, living with this nasty, ill-tempered liar who smells and treats you with contempt.
He does not get the final say here. You can end the marriage and divorce him. You would need some legal advice and help to do so, but you don’t have to live in this man’s chaotic world. Your children deserve more.

Hi thank you to everyone for your replies. I’ve told him I’ve had enough this morning. I was trying to find something in the cupboard for work and had to pullled stuff out, he comes back from dropping children at school and starts moaning at me.
i feel angry and sad.

Sorry you are in this situation, but it sounds like it is the end of the road.

It's probably not a great time if you have a child doing GCSEs next year but you can use the time to plan. Research and find a really good solicitor and get some advice about the house and the other financial matters then you can make a plan to leave. I'm sure you will find that empowering for starters.

Good for you.

Now follow through and start divorce proceedings. Awful man.

I'm sorry you're being treated like this. For now, make a list of tasks to complete leading to a divorce. Perhaps tackle the easiest ones first, then cross it off the list. That'll make you feel good that you're accomplishing things to get to the light at the end of the tunnel.

I wouldn't want to sleep in the same bedroom. Hopefully you have a spare room to convert to space for you. Get yourself out of the house more. Maybe bring your son to the library to study and you can enjoy some reading time while there. If you have friends get outside for strolls in a park or whatever you find fun. If you let friendships slide, reconnect, or get a new hobby to meet other women.

If you feel like your income needs a boost, maybe on one of your days off, take on some extra hours in a part time job that's not too taxing to boost your income.

Stop thinking about what he doesn't want and what he'll refuse to do. The courts won't let a mother and children be homeless, so he'll have to abide by what the courts decide.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.