Can this marriage be saved

[Lonely12]

I’ve been married for 16 years, together 19. Husband is in his late 50s and I’m towards late 40s. We have two teenagers.
I have been unhappy in my marriage for a few years. I’ve tried talking to my husband but nothing seems to change. We had couple therapy in past and he refuses to try marriage counselling, says we have already done it.
we don’t have a sex life, haven’t had sex in over 2 years, it had already greatly reduced before then, this has been my husbands choice.

over 2 years ago he told me he found me less attractive and told me a list of stuff, my weight been one, I was a size 18, I had put weight on due to been in a lot of pain due to physical health issues, physical health issues are still ongoing. I’m now a size 8. He listed my mental health, sweating, a medication was causing me to have night sweats.

my husband is overweight, he told my son that he is happy with his weight. He doesn’t shower, used to get a bath once a week but that’s reduced, he gets a wash in the sink every day. Doesn’t change his socks for days, his jeans or shorts, he wears same pair for weeks. He thinks it’s fine to trump around us and it usually stinks. There is not much affection there. I can’t even imagine wanting to have sex with him.
I’ve suggested more than once that we split up but he doesn’t want to. Now our children are older and we don’t need a babysitter, we still hardly do anything as just a couple.
he seems to think that it’s one rule for him and another for me, for example I’ve developed another physical health problem and on on medication to try and reduce the sweating, at the moment it’s flared up and I’m having night sweats, it feels like he blames me

You don't need his permission to split up.

Why would you want to save the marriage?

OP this sounds miserable. What joy does your husband bring to your life? We're here for such a short time, why live with a man who makes your life less than happy?

Reading through, frankly,why would you want to "save" this particular marriage. You are young,no doubt attractive (well done for the weight loss) find yourself someone worthy.

Op he listed what he doesn’t like about you- to be honest that was kind of the end of your marriage. How is it ok for someone to think let alone say these things? The things you don’t like about him- you’ve both had it with each other. I’m so sorry but it doesn’t sound salvageable unless there’s a drip feed where you can sometimes enjoy a laugh, or he puts his arm around you and says he’s lucky to have you or the like.

No. A marriage is made by two people and it takes 2 people to make it work but your husband isn’t willing to try and make it work.

His behaviour sounds completely unreasonable with no willingness to change.

He might not want to split up, but it isn't just up to him. The decision can be yours.

There's nothing worth saving, is there?

Just leave. Why would you remain miserable? I say this as someone who has divorced twice and not regretted it for a second. Life is too short, don't waste it

I think for sake of our children, especially as oldest will be going into year 11 in September and doing his g.c.s.e exams

He doesn’t bring any joy. He snaps at me, raises his voice, not shouting but he denies he does this.

I think for our children and also because I don’t have any where me and our children can go. He won’t move out

I would never tell him stuff I don’t like about him. I wouldn’t want to hurt him. Those things I listed I used to be able to deal with them, they didn’t get to me. His hygiene didn’t used to be as bad. He is losing teeth, again I wouldn’t say anything about this.

Do you think your children are unaware of the issues?

He sounds revolting. Show your children that relationships are based on mutual respect, trust and love and that nobody has to settle and put up with any of that being absent. You all deserve better.

Your children are growing up in an unhappy home where their mum is miserable and their dad is contemptuous, bad-tempered, and unpleasant towards their mum. Do you want them to be conditioned into thinking that it is normal and this is what a healthy relationship looks like?
And don't say they don't know what he's like towards you, because they do.

I think Yr 11 is a bad time to split up personally, especially as you sound like you have no idea how you would go about it right now, it's not a good time for a child to go through huge instability.

Instead I think what you need to do is start planning how you will do it in the future. Are you working? You need to make sure you have a full time job, it will make things so much easier. Do you have any savings? Start squireling away a little bit of money secretly here and there if you can. Do you have supportive family? Lean into them if you do, if not build up your friendships.

Don't believe that parents in unhappy marriages always means that their children will think that is normal though and repeat it themselves. I'm sure your kids see plenty of other marriages that are happier, see happier marriages on tv, read about happier relationships in books. They may be affected, it might make their childhood less happy than they could be, but it doesn't mean they are destined to have unhappy marriages themselves - I never would have married someone like my dad!

Strip away the issues that are holding you back from leaving, such as worrying about where you would live. Think to yourself - if I was single would I choose this man? It sounds as though the answer would be a resounding no. If that's the case the decision is easy. You deserve so much better than living with this unpleasant miserable individual. I suggest you get some legal advice about division of assets so you can plan the practical side of things and move towards separation.

Staying for the sake of the children is a mistake on your part and one your dc won’t thank you for making. You’re teaching them damaging lessons about relationships in doing this. You’re showing them that currently at least this from him is acceptable to you. How does it benefit you or your dc for that matter to remain with him now?. It does not.

I cannot imagine thst the atmosphere at home is at all conducive for studying for exams either and these can be retaken. There is never a good time to leave and there will always be some obstacle that stops you from
leaving. Be brave and make the break sooner rather than later.

He's meant to be enhancing your life and making it easier, and fun. That's the entire point of a relationship.

Your kids will think this is normal and will aspire to a miserable relationship in their futures.
Neither adult should move out until the house is sorted in the divorce. One of you buys the other out, or the house gets sold.

You could be living a peaceful, joy filled life and showing your kids a happy home for their final years of childhood.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents so what did yours teach you?. Staying in an unhappy and or loveless relationship benefits no one and the dc could well repeat your example. They likely wonder of you why you’re still with your man and if you tell them you’ve stayed because of them they could well call you daft.

Take some power back and get legal advice on all aspects of divorce. Knowledge here is power.

You may not want to hurt him but he has no respect for you whatsoever. He’s never given you that consideration.

it is harming both your dc and you to be under the same roof as your husband.

Start your exit planning so that you are ready to initiate divorce as soon as your boy walks out of the exam room of his last paper.

In that situation, I'd hold off separating until exams are done. What's one more year when you've been miserable for a long time? You can start quietly planning your exit whilst you wait for exams to be done.