Handhold needed update to previous

[Hogglehedge]

Hi all
For context here is link to my other thread where I got lovely support and I am so, so relieved that I became strong, because the shit show I am now enduring is beyond belief

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5472976-emotional-affair-and-trying-to-reconcile-going-wrong?page=1

So - it turns out I was right all along and more - STBXH has been leading a total double life and its worse than I ever could of imagined. I have been dragged through the mud completely. Alsorts has come out.

Full on physical affair for months, stringing ow along with lies (she is as heartbroken as I am and contacted me - this is how it has all come out ) and she has been portrayed by him (and me sadly as as someone she isnt - hes fed her and work colleagues so so many lies. Told them we were divorcing months ago, ow became more involved with him around the time i updated In here about his behaviour etc . Work colleagues thought we had split up and they were an item at work and on the socials (which now makes sense with other stuff I posted ) he has even bought her rings and alsorts. He is a complete monster. Used two women fed us both utter lies and got kicks out of it. Sleeping with me then going to hers later on. Ive had all the proof I need and more. Hundreds of screenshots off ow and even work colleagues the utter bullshit hes been hiding. Playing the victim saying his marriage was over. He is not right in the head at all.

I am just so so proud of myself that he moved out before all this blew up. Im also grateful for the ow for reaching out to me (I know this dosent always happen) and making me aware of everything thats going on. I feel violated, humiliated and more. Ive read so, so many things, i cannot believe who this man is 💔💔 a complete narcissist.

After all the exposure hes still chasing ow thinking she will fall for his charms again and shes telling him to f off. shes had all the sorry ive had nothing. Shes updating me all the time. The level of betrayal is off the scale what hes done. He has just got a new apartment .

I threw all his clothes left here next to the smelly cat litter bins outside. Im being stone with him and told him I dont even want to look at him and my family members will be here when he gets the rest of his shit (which i feel like burning tbh ) I am not showing him i am hurting or angry. The satisfaction for me is he has been exposed for all to see. Everyone is as shocked as I am. He was planning to get with ow full time, asked her if he could move in with her in may (she said no) she became suspicious of him and which is why she reached out to me. Shes been strung along like i have. Told her he loves her etc and she fell for his charm and lies. When I was updating in my other thread about socials etc, everything makes sense now as she thought they were a couple. I was right all along.

I am a strong woman but this has completely destroyed me, its complete carnage. I just feel violated, a fool. all those times ive suspected and been gaslighted, played, how anyone can do this to people is beyond me. I also feel bad for the ow as he made her out to be a homewrecker when she isnt, I know I wasn't keen on her at the start but she genuinely thought we had split up, he has totally played us against each other, getting kicks. Just need to get through the next few weeks and he will be out of my life.

Does anyone have any advice with legal aid and when there has been emotional and sometimes physical abuse like this? As hes been aggressive towards me too 😞😞due to hiding everything . Ive got him off the tenancy we signed forms before all this came out

Any advice much appreciated xxx

In terms of legal aid, you need to have evidence of domestic abuse such as police reports or a report from a domestic abuse service that you have been working with. Are either of those options?
He sounds like a sociopath. I'm sorry.

No unfortunately xx I can sort it without its just going to take time due to finances x yes hes definitely something and more , def fits the bill for sociopath 😞😞

Well. Isn’t he a Grade A, Class 1 Thundercunt? I’m so sorry op.
The first thing I would say is this….all the shame and humiliation you are feeling? Nope, drop that shit, immediately. You have ZERO shame or humiliation in this, that belongs to him. Was it you running round like a despicable, devious twat, telling lies, cheating, betraying your husband and your children? No, that was him. Imagine that shame and humiliation like a big heavy coat. Then take it off and place it firmly where it belongs, on HIM.
Secondly, practicalities now. Finances, DC, SHL etc, nothing more. No point trying to diagnose him, he clearly has some significant moral failings, but those are his to carry, not yours and he is no longer your problem. Protect yourself and DC now at all costs.
I know it feels godawful right now op, but, this too shall pass. And, unfair as it is, you now have a choice to make. Will you allow one weak, pathetic, cowardly, turd of a “man” to ruin your life? Or will you accept that this is HIS problem and rise like the absolute Queen that you are? Fuck him and the probably stolen horse he road in on, he’s not worth the steam off your piss. Head up, eyes forward, this fucker isn’t going to take you down. I am cheering for you op, good luck xx

I’m so sorry @Hogglehedge but it’s good you finally know the truth and it wasn’t you overreacting. He’s awful and you are well rid. In a way it’s good that he’s chasing after OW as you don’t want him hounding you. It’s nothing to do with who was ‘better’ in his eyes. It’s who he sees as weaker and more likely to fall for his lies.

But I do find it hard to believe that she didn’t realise he was married still? It didn’t sound like he went out for months after you first caught him so how did she think they were in a relationship when he never stayed the night!! And he showed you a message to her telling her she was blocked because you had found out about the affair.

I know you are thankful to her for giving you the truth and she’s clearly telling you she is a victim too but I hope she’s not just stirring up drama and then will get back together with him. I find it really hard to believe she had no idea when she was routinely blocked, never went to his place or and he never stayed the night.

I must admit im still a bit suspicious of this too regarding ow some things arent adding up but she seems genuinely devastated and has been totally manipulated and easily led,

When the original emotional affair happened he did block her for a while then it started up again via him with more bs and he told her we were divorcing , split up etc and it went from there, physical affair started january

I wouldn’t trust either of them. I don’t doubt he was lying to her as well. Didn’t you say he had realised his mistake and wanted to make it work after you separated? He probably told her the separation was his choice because he wanted her and then she found out he was still stringing you along too.

I think it’s unlikely she’s as innocent as she is making out and had no idea. By all accounts she knew he was married when flirting with him and sending photos.

Telling you could have been to make sure you didn’t consider getting back with him. And now she’s rubbing it in how much he wants HER back. Don’t engage with it. He’s a shit and she’s probably no better.

What a bastard. You will get great advice from others who have been through what you are going through now.
Please disengage from the other woman. I hate to say this but given what you wrote about her behaviour on your previous thread I would not trust her. Could it be she is playing you, piling on the pain and just want to completely break you? Just cut her off, be careful what all the other flying monkeys from their workplace tell you too. How are affairs dealt with it the workplace? Could it be she and others are using this horrible betrayal to protect herself?
Good luck and concentrate on yourself and your children.

@OchreRaven cross posted but totally agree. She is no ally and needs to be cut off.

Thank you yes I agree xxx

More stuff coming out now, this is hell i could never of imagined 😞😞😞 makes me feel sick

Oh @Hogglehedge , I'm so sorry to read this.

I don't have any advice to give you I'm afraid (there are some absolutely tremendous women here who will be able to give you fantastic support and advice) but I can give you a hug.

🫂 There you go, a big squishy 🫂 from a wee chunky Scottish stranger xx

The OW is not your issue, nor is a potential "plot.

Your esH is however. He is the one who has triangulated, gaslit you 100 times over, and non of this is on you, or the OW. He is the sole creator here.

What you are doing now is great, really great. But be super mindful of any baits coming your way, men like that are devious and are entertained by the chaos they manage to throw in any direction. So be mindful of the baits.

Oh also, these types always come crawling back at some point, via email or a little message "Hi, was thinking about that time when we did xyz, and he will try and reel you back in to nostalgia world to weaken your boundaries, and then carry that on, all for one purpose, and that is to gain access to housing, cash, or any comfort, temporary may I add, all done for ego centric reasons and will have Zero to do with you two.

Great jog on getting rid. Get divorced, even if it will take time. Took me 8 years to get rid of mine but I got there in the end.

@Hogglehedge whats coming out?

Theavidwriter - yes Thats the word ive been thinking of - triangulation. Thats definitely what this has been. Narcissistic.

Ochreraven - more info on how he hid it all and how they met up in hotels . All ties in when I was suspicious. :( :(

OP I’m sorry to hear how awful this is / I didn’t read your original thread. Just had to say - is it the OW telling you all the information? If so, take a step back.. I think she’s telling you all this to make sure you don’t “patch it up” with him. Tread carefully here - she’s saying what she thinks will cement you never being with him again (which of course you shouldn’t).

He's going to her because he knows he's burnt his bridges with you.

What she does from now on is her lookout. I agree you need to step back. You've got your answers, time to disentangle yourself and focus on moving forward.

It's all tip of an iceberg in the end... It must be the hardest time for you right now OP. This is def most awful thing one can do to another. Hope you find your anger soon!

Thank you all i agree with what you are saying and I am being careful. He is just disgusting, i cant believe hes done all this and more :'( after allllll my suspicions and allll the gaslighting

I'm happy for you that you know more of the truth. There are still things I don't know and it messes my recovery and my head so so much.

Is he still living with you?

@Hogglehedge I don't know why she's still updating you, and this makes me suspicious too, it's like she's feeding off the drama.

More details of their dirty trysts won't achieve anything but make you feel worse - you don't need to know anymore. Cut contact with the OW, at best it's not healthy and at worst she's using you.

No he moved out a while ago now x

Its so hard isnt it. Hes now messaging me saying hes depressed etc etc hes an idiot all the stuff i expected. its really hurting me but im being strong. He knows hes lost me now . I cant say im not worried about him because I am. I still care despite him doing all this, cant just cut it off. We were together a long time 😞 But im not showing him. Im being stone with him. I need to focus on myself. I knew this sort of thing would start happening. He knows hes lost me and likely ow all through his own doing. And seeing which one of us falls for it. It wont be me. Honestly this last year has been hell 💔😞😞😞

Stay away from OW.
Stop entertaining messages from him.
If you are around either, the pain continues. Stop digging for details - he’s a cheat and a liar. That’s it. You don’t need more evidence but if you keep digging it will keep hurting.

You are so strong! Well done for being stone with him and not showing!