Caught husband using escort sites and massage parlours – feeling lost

[ThatBreezyPanda]

Hi, I’ve come on here hoping someone can give me some advice, i’m trying to keep this to myself as i’m feeling all sorts, embarrassed and hurt more than anything.

i’ve been with my husband for almost 5 years, we have 2 very young children, i’m only 6 months PP.
I discovered my husband had been booking “happy ending” massages a couple months before I gave birth. As I dived into everything more, it’s been 3 years which is when I was pregnant with my 1st.
messages upon message, some stuff you really don’t want to be reading. It was an addiction with B2B massages and hand relief was an optional service, I have been told he only went to get the b2b massage and that the masseuses were either in lingerie or clothed. Last year alone, he was going 3-4 times a month, for context he runs his own business and is always under pressure… thats why he goes to these massages for stress relief, there was no set time just spare of the moment 80% of the time.
whilst I would love to believe he didn’t get the happy ending, I don’t… I don’t understand how a man can go to these places whether they are legit or not and pay the full price as stated on the message, yet not get every inch of service advertised. He also admitted he’s gotten up to similar things whilst on holiday with his friends but received some types of pleasure… as i’m writing this I think I feel even more stupid.

Anyways, I decided to move forward with our marriage, as I was about to give birth and wanted to focus on my newborn…we’ve had a lot of arguments since, because also back then I discovered him on adultwork but only paying for gallery pics and him visiting trans websites… fast forward to now, I’ve gone snooping on his laptop and found that he’s been going for massages for quite some time way before me and he’s recently been on trans escort websites again!!! I’ve confronted him and given him an ultimatum because I’m just sick of it. If you are on adultwork or offer these types of massages, just tell me whats what with these men! Is it likely he had gone the whole way - FYI he also thinks what he has done is not classed as cheating.
which makes my blood boil…

Oh op why stay???

Oh you deserve so much better OP. You need to plan a future away from this revolting man. Talk to a friend or family member and think about seeing a solicitor so you can plan a future without this.

I’m sorry but you and your children need him out or you leave. It’s not life ending, buthard yes, but YOU deserve better and you are worth so much more.

i say this as someone whose ex cheated on me 6 weeks before marriage (apparently as a last chance saloon), but continued afterwards. I was, at the time, too ashamed to call off the wedding, we also had children already, and I spent years planning my escape.

Don’t ever feel like this has anything to do with you, because it’s not.

Do not stay with such a man for the supposed sake of the child. This person should not be used as glue here to bind you and he together.

If someone else was telling you all this surely your counsel would be to firm up plans to leave?. You may want to move forward with your marriage but he does not. This is repeated behaviour from him that has also happened throughout your relationship. This is who he is and he’s not going to change. You will be forever hyper vigilant and looking over your shoulder looking for his next transgression. If the shoe was on the other foot I doubt he would be at all forgiving of you.

Unless you are fully prepared to carry out your ultimatum (and such things can only be issued once because subsequent ones lose all their power) do not issue it.

Its the lies I would not be able to look past. He would never have told you any of this himself, he left you to find out I presume.

Which is huge. a confronting reality on who he is really. Pressure at work or not. There are many men out there under pressure but do not even entertain using such services.

He chose to lie to you for his own comfort because he knows if you knew all his comforts would be gone. Whatever he says now, or in future you will find really hard to believe and likely be looking at your DH in a completely different way from now on. He is not the man you thought he was, and that is a shock.

@ThatBreezyPandaBloody hell I’m so sorry. I think he’s maybe tried to convince himself he’s not a bad person and it is “not cheating” because it’s transactional and not emotional, or because he’s convinced himself certain acts don’t count. But honestly the label is besides the point. The repeated lying, secrecy and sexual contact outside your marriage is the real issue. That’s a huge betrayal of trust and he can’t wriggle out of that one.

Can I ask - before kids what was your sex life like? I’m just wondering if he’s one of those people who switches of sex from emotional intimacy. So as his wife you represent love and family. Then his secret sexual behaviour is compartmentalised off in another box. My friend dated a guy who it turned out had a history of secretly filming people for sexual kicks (he told her his history after three years of dating and she broke up with him). He had a lot of interest in drones, and their sex life dried up pretty fast once he got into drones

The fact your sex life may have been on the back burner due to having kids is irrelevant when you can see evidence he’s been doing this since before you met. This is nothing to do with you

i’m on mat leave I feel like i’m in a very vulnerable position. He pays for everything (biggest mistake) but its the situation i’m in. I feel like i’ve let myself down… our marriage was good to begin with, sex life was ok… but we’d go weeks sometimes a month or so without and i’d always wonder how is he surviving? Porn? Or does he just not want it? He’s quite emotionally detached like the rest of his family which I realised way after we got married they’re all the same. I’m not even angry anymore, I just want a peaceful life and for him and myself to be happy… is it too much to ask to be loved and appreciated in this day and age?

I’d pack his bags and make him leave. I would not want him near me.

Your husband pays sex workers for sexual acts regularly. Please stop using terms like ‘happy endings’ as I think it will help you see more clearly what he does and what you need to do.

1. get an STD check
2. Take screenshots
3. bin his faithless, lying, disrespectful arse.

Find your anger OP. You can do this.

Eugh I think my ex was into this stuff too but I didn’t hang around to find out . I could have quite easily stayed though and we split up over other trust issues so I can empathise with your situation.
honestly op you’ll never trust him again and he’s not going to just give this stuff up.
hard as it is you need to split. Kicking the can down the road only makes it worse

Bin him. He’s disgusting. He has no respect for you. Hopefully you do have some self respect left. 💐

Why on earth do you think an ultimatum would work? You caught him before and he continued to do it, with even more severity.

This man doesn’t give a shit about you, not only you but your family. Only an arsehole of the highest degree cheats while his wife is at home caring for his baby.

You will never be able to trust this man and he is going to ruin your life if you stick around. You've one shot on this planet, get away from him 💐

There is no saving this marriage. Could you talk to a family member or friend about what is happening? Awful timing but there is no way back. So sorry

You say he's only going to these places for stress relief .
That's a big minimising remark .

He s going to these places to get wanked off at least !

If your happy to bury your head in the sand , then your life , your relationship , who are we to judge what you are prepared to put up with ?

Most women would not put up with it .

And his view on women is also questionable . As the women he pays for this are most likely not doing it because they want to .

You may not be able to split practically yet, but you need to forget about making this marriage work. Emotionally detach and plan to leave when you go back to work.

Jeezo, surely you mean ex-H… Get rid op, surely you are worth more than this - his views on women are disgusting. Ffs, get tested, oh, and get a lawyer. Yuck, some men are just vile.

Have you checked fabguys too? the adultwork users that favour the trans escorts also use it for hook ups with cross dressers.
Womens aid can support you to leave as you are in a vulnerable position with him hiding big secrets.

I am so very sorry, @ThatBreezyPanda . I understand how vulnerable you feel, being on mat leave, etc. However, if you consciously decide to stay, you will only have yourself to be frustrated with once he inevitably is caught again. There are many-many levels of wrong he allowed himself to do, disrespected you, and your marriage. Someone so deep into this way of life will continue pursuing, he will just take extra care not to be caught. I wish you all the best, be kind and gentle to yourself, but there is really no reason to stay. You will feel very upset with yourself when you catch him in the future doing the same things.

He needs to go pronto he is not a good man

Growing up knowing this was what my dad did was horrible. I wish I didn’t have to spend my teens living with him and knowing.

This man is abusing you.

And the women he's buying.

He's a bad man, he won't ever change, and he will damage your children.

I agree that terms like "Happy ending" are naive and unhelpful. It is 99% likely that a woman with a penis has been bending one into your husband. You urgently need an STD check and to leave him

is it too much to ask to be loved and appreciated in this day and age?

@ThatBreezyPanda He doesn't love you. Even if you don't leave now, your marriage is over.

I know it's hard. And it might take you a while to come to terms with that fact. But it's over.

Even if he tries to have sex with you again, don't. He could give you an STD. He's having sex elsewhere.

He doesn't love you.