How do I manage my overbearing mother-in-law after having a baby?

[annes1999]

I’m pretty new to this web so please forgive me if I’m doing anything wrong, lol
im hoping someone has the time to read this and give me some thoughts / advice, as I am quite literally losing the will to live. I will try and keep it short -
met boyfriend at 20, only child, divorced parents
met his mother who made it pretty clear she didn’t like me. She told me that she didn’t like me, called me fat, said I wasn’t good enough for her son. I bought flowers she binned them the next day and said they’d died. She wouldn’t allow me around for dinner, would try to tell me how to dress, disregarded my feelings and in general just made me feel uncomfortable to the point if I was around I’d ask my partner to not even use the toilet so I wasn’t left alone. What she’d do though, is wait until he had to go toilet etc before being mean to me, so it is a 1 vs 1 situation.

his 21st bday I was allowed to stay over and he was asked to sleep in his mums bed with her which he obviously declined. Alongside this when he was drunk she would try to be affectionate with him which I always found super uncomfortable. Always telling me that I’d never take her son away from her - literally never my intention
she’d told me she has signed him up for dating shows etc
I have honestly been nothing but polite and respectful to this woman. However, bf was paying mums mortgage, plus bills, plus food, whilst on an entry level salary. I told him this was not acceptable and they had an argument about it as he realised that was too much money. She took catalogues etc out in his name and when he got a payrise, she’d increase his “rent charges” for the difference of the payrise. So I guess from her perspective, he started arguing back / not doing anything she said once I was on the scene.

plenty of odd encounters throughout the years, taking him for candle lit dinners, crying that she weren’t involved if I took him out on his bday. We were once driving and he had ended up in a car crash right behind my car so obviously I pulled over. Unfortunately she was driving in town so pulled over and told me to go home and that she could look after her son herself. On reflection I don’t know why I stayed around. At the time we argued so much because it felt as though she was trying to make us break up.

anyways then we bought a house together (thank god), and peace began, but she wanted to come round every single week. To be fair most weeks she did. I can’t remember too many issues in this timeframe aside from her becoming an alcoholic and blaming it on her son leaving. And then when she returned from rehab, and we said we were busy one night, she said that he nearly drove her back to drink.

it felt as though she thought my partner was her partner …

anyways, I’ve now had a baby, and I am losing the plot
his mum and dad who were divorced for 20 yrs are now back together, and his dad now argues with him constantly over his mums feelings ?? But her feelings are hurt if she doesn’t get her own way.

I genuinely think she is a manipulating woman who enjoys being able to control people. She also has nothing to do with her own parents.

as a new mother I had some rules and irrational or not that’s what I decided to protect my baby and to be honest more importantly me postpartum.
no kissing baby, no walking around with baby in your arms, no sending pics or posting pics of baby
I allowed his parents to come to the hospital the day my baby was born. Only for the fact my parents were there and it is my partners baby too. She waited for my partner to leave the room and starts to kiss my baby on her cheek. I was fuming but I couldn’t even move due to having a c section. I was so upset and felt violated. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything it just feels like a blur. Anyway, she then proceeded to ask me to send her every single picture of my partner and my baby - that was her requirement, she could’ve just asked for pictures in general

so 5 days postpartum I’m at home recovering and they come around - she picks up my baby and starts walking around with her in one arm - I broke down into tears in the kitchen

she kept telling me that I needed help looking after my baby, which really affected me postpartum. Now that I’m 9 months pp - as another mother you’d think that she would know better.

anyways she asked me to send her pics of my child being born which I declined, she was then unhappy that I wouldn’t let her have them. She’d say she’s printing off pictures of my baby and when I asked which one she would refuse to tell or show me.

she kept sending pictures to her friends - I say friends my partner had never even heard of said friends, we asked her not to, she argued back that she is a grandmother and doesn’t need permission from us. that happened probably 3 x times, and she got caught out with it too

every time we seen them they asked for family pictures and always asked me to take the picture. I’m not in any of their family pictures. I’ve been around 7 yrs.

my partner sent a long message saying she disrespects and disregards me as a mum, and goes into depth about things that have happened. They read, ignored for 5 weeks, then call up demanding an apology. We refuse

anyway I then force my partner to go and make up with his parents - for the sake of their relationship, and he asks me to try and move forward
so I try my best. I’m seeing them more regularly than I’d like to, and genuinely trying to move forward
his mum now wants to come round 2 x a week, and I can’t cope with it to be honest
she has asked to go away over my mums birthday - my mum is close with my baby and is her childcare - I decline and it starts an argument obviously. She’s also told me that my baby will want to live with her when she’s older, and that she is decorating a spare room for her. I honestly just see red.

I get a text a few days ago “hi when can I see baby” - I’ve told my partner to arrange it but he has been busy at work & at a work event, so he replied today and said perhaps Sunday. His dad then replies (out of nowhere - literally never texts) and says took you 3 days to reply I’ll call you later
so he calls , says that we leave them out and that we take the piss.

NOW - if I’m honest, we do see my family a lot. We did before the baby, we do since the baby. They take us for meals, on holidays, and we live 2 mins away. They also are laid back and let us do whatever we want, respect that we are parents.
I can see why they’d feel “left out” BUT - I don’t really care?

I feel like his mum in particular doesn’t want me around, but it is heightened since I had my baby. I can’t forgive her for everything that happened whilst I was postpartum, I will never forgive her and I will never forget. She made me feel incapable of looking after my baby which in turn has made me even more protective over my child around her. I feel like they are awkward around me - my partner ageees, and said that they probably don’t want to upset me, and they’re different around me. They keep asking me to arrange food shopping so they can babysit? And asked when can my baby stay at theirs? It freaks me out. I was not around one weekend and his mum wanted to visit but I don’t feel comfortable with her around my baby without me there.

I’ve left out a lot more scenarios, as trying to paint the picture, and if you’ve read this far then thank you. I can’t turn to anyone to discuss other than my partner but it can’t be easy for him either. How the hell do I move forward? What am I meant to do now? I’m at a loss. I’ve considered completely blocking them out of my life - but then how do I manage the relationship with my baby?

OP, your MIL sounds like the sort of controlling MIL who just can’t let go of her son - it’s not you: no girl would be good enough for him in her opinion, and the fact that onp his 21st birthday “he was asked to sleep in his mums bed” and that she’s super affectionate with him when he’s drunk shows clearly that this woman has issues: she sees you as her rival rather than as her son’s partner. The fact that he was paying for her, and that she wanted to take him out for candle-lit dinners further blurs the line between what you would expect of a son as opposed to a partner - frankly, it’s a bit creepy, OP and I would be withdrawing from her as far as I could. She sounds a truly toxic presence, and absolutely not someone I would want around my baby. As for wanting pictures of you giving birth - who does that? She has overstepped at every point, and I’m afraid it won’t get any better. You need to have a serious talk with your DH - I know it’s his DM, but she is such a destructive presence in your lives, you need to go as low contact as possible.

Honestly cut them off they sound like a disaster. I cut off my son's nan and grandads for slightly less. I didn't meet my now exes parents until I was around 12 weeks pregnant and he didn't even tell his parents I was pregnant until I made him do so by halfway through. Cue the questioning of whether or not their son was the baby's father. They'd wait until he was out of the room then try to corner me into agreeing to a DNA test as soon as my child was born otherwise they wouldn't accept the baby as their grandchild. They booked a family holiday purposely knowing it was just after my due date and his mum told me I better hope I didn't go overdue cos they weren't letting their son back out of their holiday. They didn't bother with my son for 9months and come new years eve they demanded to have him for a few days after not bothering with him at all-they wanted to parade him around their family to make out they were loving grandparents. I told them no I wasn't sending my son to literal strangers(his dad and I had split up and he also didn't bother) his mum told me to "keep that bastard baby to myself" as she didn't want to know. She soon had a few words when my son refused to call her nan 11 years later

I have done some reading on this PHENOMENON; It's called EMOTIONAL INCEST, don't get me wrong but I think I might have witnessed similar myself, I'm not a doctor but I'm pretty sure I have seen this and I might be going through this myself.at mo. It's when a Mother has no access to her husband and starts relating , emotionally, to her young son as if he were her HUSBAND; It's becomes a TWO WAY TRAGEDY where the young boy is damadge developmentally by the scenario and ends up feeling unnaturally responsible, and attached to Mother with NO RESOLUTION!!!!! EMOTIOAL INCEST IS A LIFE - LONG PATTERN of behaviour un broken.Any Girlfriends appearing on the scene usually make NO DIFFERENCE and so it's a automatic LOVE - TRIANGLE. Love ME, Love my MUM. One thing is for sure: you will not get the man all to yourself but you will always have a babysitter. Go out , get a job, reclaim your independence, in time. But while you're there you will be sharing him.

The cunt should have been cut off long before the baby to be honest, because of her despicable behaviour and creepy attitude towards her son and the fact that she clearly hates you.

You are not stupid. You were trying to introduce some normality into the relationship, as it sounds like you have a good relationship with your own family, and you were hoping that being reasonable and meeting them halfway would heal the breach and help make things normal for your child and DH.

But, you are not dealing with normal people. Your MIL sounds very very disfunctional and whilst some of the incidents you describe may sound small to you bit by bit.. (and I don't think they are small at all) added together they are a larged knotted ball of completely fucked up.

You say " I then force my partner to go and make up with his parents - for the sake of their relationship, and he asks me to try and move forward"

You are not dealing with people who want to meet halfway. They want to crush you I would be horrified if someone said that your DD will hate you and want to live with her and that the room is already being prepared. That speaks to me as if she will do everything she can to split you up so that your DH will have to move in with her and DD too.

So forget that. You already have a supportive family for your DD to have, that's enough. Your DH hates dealing with PILs and you shouldn't force him in order to show that you have a forgiving nature. It just won't work with these people. They don't sound capable of it. You have tried hard with these people and each and every time they have shown you that they do not appreciate it. So stop trying. Right now. Take a giant step back. And don't be afraid to be the Bad guy, if you have to put your foot down,

Think about what you want for your DD... do you want her to be caught up in these tug of war games your MIL is playing...
You need to be A LOT less involved with the MIL and contact should only be on your terms as she is abusive. I wouldn't want an alcoholic MIL who hated me or the enabling PIL in charge of a young child... especially after how she has been treating you and the antics she's been performing to date.

Get some therapy to help you with assertiveness techniques, you are going to need them to protect yourself and your dd. This should be your special time with DD. You only get this once. Don't spend it in a mass of anxiety created by someone who has no good intentions towards you. You are a mum and that means looking after yourself and your mental health so that you can look after your DD. Prioritise her, yourself and your DH. This is your family and your time. Its not wrong to do that.

Nevermine cutting them off, id want a restraining order!

They're insane, I've got to be honest your partner could be the best bloke in the world but I would NOT have carried on the relationship with a nutcase mother like this. He should have cut ties years ago, she is actually insane

They will push hard, very hard, to find out where you are moving to. If it is just impossible to avoid answering, don't be afraid to lie.
e.g. "We are looking at Kent" when it is really Oxford. Or if they already know the general area of your DH job, try something like "We are looking at west Swindon" when it is really the East.
Then after you have moved, and they find out, just say breezily "Oh we had to change plans".

You need have no moral qualms about lying to nosey people who don't have your best interests at heart.

Good idea. Partner works in London so we can really throw them off. Thank you