How do I manage my overbearing mother-in-law after having a baby?

[annes1999]

I’m pretty new to this web so please forgive me if I’m doing anything wrong, lol
im hoping someone has the time to read this and give me some thoughts / advice, as I am quite literally losing the will to live. I will try and keep it short -
met boyfriend at 20, only child, divorced parents
met his mother who made it pretty clear she didn’t like me. She told me that she didn’t like me, called me fat, said I wasn’t good enough for her son. I bought flowers she binned them the next day and said they’d died. She wouldn’t allow me around for dinner, would try to tell me how to dress, disregarded my feelings and in general just made me feel uncomfortable to the point if I was around I’d ask my partner to not even use the toilet so I wasn’t left alone. What she’d do though, is wait until he had to go toilet etc before being mean to me, so it is a 1 vs 1 situation.

his 21st bday I was allowed to stay over and he was asked to sleep in his mums bed with her which he obviously declined. Alongside this when he was drunk she would try to be affectionate with him which I always found super uncomfortable. Always telling me that I’d never take her son away from her - literally never my intention
she’d told me she has signed him up for dating shows etc
I have honestly been nothing but polite and respectful to this woman. However, bf was paying mums mortgage, plus bills, plus food, whilst on an entry level salary. I told him this was not acceptable and they had an argument about it as he realised that was too much money. She took catalogues etc out in his name and when he got a payrise, she’d increase his “rent charges” for the difference of the payrise. So I guess from her perspective, he started arguing back / not doing anything she said once I was on the scene.

plenty of odd encounters throughout the years, taking him for candle lit dinners, crying that she weren’t involved if I took him out on his bday. We were once driving and he had ended up in a car crash right behind my car so obviously I pulled over. Unfortunately she was driving in town so pulled over and told me to go home and that she could look after her son herself. On reflection I don’t know why I stayed around. At the time we argued so much because it felt as though she was trying to make us break up.

anyways then we bought a house together (thank god), and peace began, but she wanted to come round every single week. To be fair most weeks she did. I can’t remember too many issues in this timeframe aside from her becoming an alcoholic and blaming it on her son leaving. And then when she returned from rehab, and we said we were busy one night, she said that he nearly drove her back to drink.

it felt as though she thought my partner was her partner …

anyways, I’ve now had a baby, and I am losing the plot
his mum and dad who were divorced for 20 yrs are now back together, and his dad now argues with him constantly over his mums feelings ?? But her feelings are hurt if she doesn’t get her own way.

I genuinely think she is a manipulating woman who enjoys being able to control people. She also has nothing to do with her own parents.

as a new mother I had some rules and irrational or not that’s what I decided to protect my baby and to be honest more importantly me postpartum.
no kissing baby, no walking around with baby in your arms, no sending pics or posting pics of baby
I allowed his parents to come to the hospital the day my baby was born. Only for the fact my parents were there and it is my partners baby too. She waited for my partner to leave the room and starts to kiss my baby on her cheek. I was fuming but I couldn’t even move due to having a c section. I was so upset and felt violated. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything it just feels like a blur. Anyway, she then proceeded to ask me to send her every single picture of my partner and my baby - that was her requirement, she could’ve just asked for pictures in general

so 5 days postpartum I’m at home recovering and they come around - she picks up my baby and starts walking around with her in one arm - I broke down into tears in the kitchen

she kept telling me that I needed help looking after my baby, which really affected me postpartum. Now that I’m 9 months pp - as another mother you’d think that she would know better.

anyways she asked me to send her pics of my child being born which I declined, she was then unhappy that I wouldn’t let her have them. She’d say she’s printing off pictures of my baby and when I asked which one she would refuse to tell or show me.

she kept sending pictures to her friends - I say friends my partner had never even heard of said friends, we asked her not to, she argued back that she is a grandmother and doesn’t need permission from us. that happened probably 3 x times, and she got caught out with it too

every time we seen them they asked for family pictures and always asked me to take the picture. I’m not in any of their family pictures. I’ve been around 7 yrs.

my partner sent a long message saying she disrespects and disregards me as a mum, and goes into depth about things that have happened. They read, ignored for 5 weeks, then call up demanding an apology. We refuse

anyway I then force my partner to go and make up with his parents - for the sake of their relationship, and he asks me to try and move forward
so I try my best. I’m seeing them more regularly than I’d like to, and genuinely trying to move forward
his mum now wants to come round 2 x a week, and I can’t cope with it to be honest
she has asked to go away over my mums birthday - my mum is close with my baby and is her childcare - I decline and it starts an argument obviously. She’s also told me that my baby will want to live with her when she’s older, and that she is decorating a spare room for her. I honestly just see red.

I get a text a few days ago “hi when can I see baby” - I’ve told my partner to arrange it but he has been busy at work & at a work event, so he replied today and said perhaps Sunday. His dad then replies (out of nowhere - literally never texts) and says took you 3 days to reply I’ll call you later
so he calls , says that we leave them out and that we take the piss.

NOW - if I’m honest, we do see my family a lot. We did before the baby, we do since the baby. They take us for meals, on holidays, and we live 2 mins away. They also are laid back and let us do whatever we want, respect that we are parents.
I can see why they’d feel “left out” BUT - I don’t really care?

I feel like his mum in particular doesn’t want me around, but it is heightened since I had my baby. I can’t forgive her for everything that happened whilst I was postpartum, I will never forgive her and I will never forget. She made me feel incapable of looking after my baby which in turn has made me even more protective over my child around her. I feel like they are awkward around me - my partner ageees, and said that they probably don’t want to upset me, and they’re different around me. They keep asking me to arrange food shopping so they can babysit? And asked when can my baby stay at theirs? It freaks me out. I was not around one weekend and his mum wanted to visit but I don’t feel comfortable with her around my baby without me there.

I’ve left out a lot more scenarios, as trying to paint the picture, and if you’ve read this far then thank you. I can’t turn to anyone to discuss other than my partner but it can’t be easy for him either. How the hell do I move forward? What am I meant to do now? I’m at a loss. I’ve considered completely blocking them out of my life - but then how do I manage the relationship with my baby?

I could almost have written your post.

you wait until your partner is at the loo/out etc and clearly tell her ‘let’s be clear, you hate me, I think you’re and alcoholic, narcissistic bitch. Every cross me again and you won’t ever see this child. Start your tears or your nonsense right now when dp comes back and watch me make you look like the liar you’ve been proven to be in the past’

then you smile sweetly and continue.

You've actually got all the cards, you know. You have your lovely baby, and your DP has your back. His horrible parents have nothing you need.

So don't visit. Don't tell them anything. Don't send pics. Don't allow them to visit. Just be done with them. If they ask why, you don't even need to reply. (Though I'd be tempted to say "because you are horrible, poisonous people" before blocking them for all time.

Just drop the rope. Nice doesn't work with horrible people.

@annes1999 Hey OP, I mean this kindly but what were you thinking?? They are your DP’s narcissistic parents not yours!!!!! Whether he engages with them or not is his call. Stop meddling & telling him to communicate with them. The woman is a witch and let’s be clear ‘You’ have taken her son she will never EVER let you forget that. Now she has a Grandchild & it will only get worse. They will look to up the ante in everything that they do and she will not stop until you are firmly out of the picture.

Have a serious heart to heart with your DP & tell him that you cannot deal with them anymore and your boundaries are Your daughter and your home is out of bounds.

He can have a relationship with his parents as little or as much as he wants but you need to protect yourself, your daughter and your little family.

As for them moving near you he needs to slam that door shut!!!! I will tell you with certainty that she will make your life a living nightmare if she moves near you. You will never be rid of her & she will try & drip poison in your DP’s ear. You won’t even see her coming……….

People like her are relentless and you come across as a kind soul so please Block & Ignore.

If she comes to the house ignore & let your DP deal with her. If she starts getting possessive I can’t see your DP entertaining her madness that’s why it has to be him who shuts her down.

Your baby will not stay a baby forever, enjoy this time as a little unit. Children grow up so quickly and before you know it she will be walking and you want to be enjoying this baby stage not working yourself up into a state wondering what she will do next!

You really need to start standing up for yourself and do not need permission from anyone to do this. I suspect you come from a culture where it is important to respect older family members but respect must be reciprocal. She won’t change till you make a stand. It seems your husband also wants space from her. Please support him for the sake of your child and marriage.

Stop forcing him to have a relationship with these idiots! Back right off, stop communicating. Let the rope drop. Why on earth are you pushing him towards them? Don’t say where you’re moving to-why further from your parents? Tell them they don’t get to see ‘baby’ when they never wanted to see you!

Cut her off. Seriously. She sounds batshit

She is toxic. I would cut her off completely. What a nasty piece of work. Don't take it personally that she doesn't like you. She would have treated any other partner of her precious son the same way. What a cruel witch calling you names. Thank god you have your loving parents nearby. You reay won't want your dd around such a toxic environment as she gets older.

You were young when your first met her and a sweet people pleaser. You are now a mother and your instincts are saying danger - this woman is an emotional danger to your child, you, and your partnership. You are now older and wiser and time to do what is right for YOU.

Excellent advice.

OP, I'll admit I didn't read the whole thing as it is a somewhat difficult subject for me. Since having DC, my MIL always wanted to take over and push me out as a mum, it's been extremely hard. My DH didn't always back me up either as apparently his mum always planned to be 'in charge ' of raising his kids so he was asking me to just accept it. Things got much better between DH and myself but as for MIL, I think the key is to stick to very basic topics instead of eg our plans but it's really hard.
I am so truly upset for how I had to navigate becoming a mum and also being disrespected at the same time, it was hard. I genuinely thought my child would never love me anyways since I'm getting totally pushed out and everyone would be better off if I was dead. Don't let it get to this point, draw clear boundaries.

It is so hard when someone else's need to be in charge and control everything affects people around them.

On a positive note, I learned about all the things not to do in the future when hopefully, I'm someone's MIL one day.

That behaviour sounds so cruel towards you OP. It was like she was pushing in on her son’s relationship and now is trying to push in and claim ownership of her grandchild. The food shopping too sounds weird. Like you have to go and do a shop so they can visit. I’m glad you had supportive parents around you from your side as a new mum, helping you in the way that made things easiest for you. Now you have the double guilt trip of his dad calling and telling you both off if you don’t do what his mum wants. I think you have to decide what helps and supports you as a family even though they call you all names under the sun. It sounds like his mum has been aggressive towards you from the beginning anyway. Why on earth would she want pictures of the birth of your child? Like she wants to take away anything private from you. And making a bedroom for the baby at her place, while being so hostile and excluding towards you. I’m not surprised you feel wary to allow her to see the baby without you. I hope you and DP can find a good strategy that works for you both to grow your family in peace and safety.

Lady, do not let your husband take your baby alone to her.

It will start a pattern and given how appalling she's been in terms of name calling and trying to split you up from your husband, exactly how long do you think it will be before 'granny lets you have the sweeties that meanie mummy won't let you' and then 'here's a fiver, keep it to yourself, buy something nice, just for yourself, don't tell anyone' and then ' here's a tablet and phone, enjoy' and YOU will be the bad one?

Your child is small and vulnerable to manipulation and very sadly to being taught that grandma will give him what he wants if mummy won't.

There have been children ruined by this and it's up to you to protect your child and yourself. Malice and the desire to dominate works itself out in subtle ways.

I guarantee your MiL would love nothing better than for you to split up and her to have unfettered access to your child alone.

Honestly, I would do everything I could to keep then unaware of where you're moving to.

I'm reading this and it's a good point 😔
My MIL started saying things like 'you have to go because YOUR MUM says so' in a patronising way. ',YOUR MUM says you can't have sweeties'.
And that's with my presence so who knows what happens when I'm not there. The plan was to get DH to take DC over there without me but now I don't know.

Hi lovely. Sorry to hear what you went through although i felt similar. I will never forgive her for how I felt postpartum. I felt like she was trying to push me out of my child’s life, constantly telling me I need help raising her. As a FTM, you’re not sure if you’re doing enough and the overwhelming love I felt for my baby meant I had thought am I even enough for her because I felt she deserved a better mum. Adding a MIL on top who was essentially trying to make me disappear, disregarding all my boundaries and trying to present herself as the mum, really f*cked with my head. Not sure how I’ll ever get over that. Scared to have future children because of it. It’s a really cruel thing to do to a new mum.
it has made me increasingly protective of my baby but only around her, so I don’t think it’s a deep rooted issue, more so a defensive mechanism against his mum.
she bought me a gift when I gave birth to “say thanks” ?? maybe harmless but given everything else I found it threatening. Thanks for what? I didn’t have a baby for you.
Her friends (again who neither of us had even heard of) bought me gifts and she made me sign thank you cards. I was in hospital and she bought her friends pink donuts, sent me a pic and said that my child bought them for her friends. Just absolutely bizarre. Let me enjoy motherhood in peace.

yes 100% on the what not to do as a MIL, although I don’t think I would’ve done any of the things she’s done either. Bizarre.

I agree with the responses you have had and your first responsibility is to protect your child and ensure the people around her are people you want to have some level of influence in her upbringing. You don’t want a poisonous mil near your child. U do need to take the time to discuss and agree this with ur partner and whether it’s a total ban or if you agree they can see their grandchild 1 day a month for a supervised visit & this is conditional on their behaviour, poor behaviour means no access.

I can relate to everything so much 😔
Especially with regards to navigating becoming a new mum when someone is constantly trying to push you out and be the mum to your child. I can't think of that period without feeling very sad.

Same with the cards. She once showed up unannounced and woke us up because I had to sign a card for someone who had a baby, I didn't even know that person.
My husband wasn't backing me up back then and I thought we were going to have to split but realised it wasn't an option as this would've meant DC being raised by MIL 50% of the time.

If a person doesn’t see what they’re doing is wrong, won’t take responsibility and continues to knowingly hurt you, every day you’ll get the same as the day before. You have to be the one to say no more. Block them, tell them nothing don’t make it a big deal just remove them from your life and carry on building a life for yourself and your child. Sometimes saying less speaks the loudest.

Thank you. I have not allowed my partner to take my baby to their house without me around. I completely agree. I think my child would be manipulated with sweets money and whatever else and then in turn will want to go there all the time. She’s little enough to not know any different if I protect her. Thank you for the advice

We are moving area as better school choices etc and my parents are also moving into the same area. Both selling our houses at the same time.

thank you for the advice, I have spoke to my partner today and I’ll be stepping back - all communication will go through him, and they are not welcome in my house or for any visits with my child without me present.

Yes, honestly feel we are on similar paths. I have considered splitting to avoid dealing with MIL - and have googled the legal channels I can take to ensure she has limited access. Unfortunately doesn’t look like there’s any, but I would hope there to be mutual respect on partners side as a father. He is understanding of the fact I am her mum and does usually let me have final say, so it’s an incredibly awkward situation.

completely feel you on looking back and feeling sad. Just want to give myself a cuddle. Will never forgive her for taking those precious moments away from me. Sending love x

Great advice. Thank you.
yes I am a mother and my child is top priority. She is only little so easily influenced and will be for the foreseeable. 1 day a month is reasonable for me. (At the moment). Thank you

but I would hope there to be mutual respect on partners side as a father

There clearly is, he does come round to your pov, but you've said that in the heat of the moment he lets his mum behave as she likes (or words to that effect).

Honestly, without you I'd bet there is a very big chance he'd backslide and become under her thumb again.

Removing yourself from this situation by moving and not letting her find out where to is the best option.

Actually .... thinking .... if it's possible the best option is for a final rupture where your husband tells her she's not welcome and makes it clear that there will be no more contact. Carry that through for a few months and she'll realise there's no point moving to follow you. Better to get her to realise it herself than to have to keep fighting that fight.

Scared to have future children because of it.

Once you are safe and feel safe, this feeling will probably go away. If it doesn't, talk to a counsellor. This woman and her behaviour has been a horrific experience for you and needs some processing.

Good luck op. Hold your ground and vent here if you need to.

If you’re thinking of splitting up then it’s very possible your OH is having similar thoughts and has told his mum. Might explain why she dislikes you. There is definitely something ‘unsaid’ about all this which may well become spoken when you split up.

Doesn't explain why the MiL was appalling right from the start though @pottylolly

The OP's dislike arose because of the MiL's behaviour, which including telling her son to sleep in her (the MIL's bed) and trying to send the OP home after a car crash in which the MIL was not involved! Never mind the madness around the birth of the child.

Just leave your partner to make arrangements and block them