20 year anniversary and I'm so resentful and angry

[Notachristmaself]

I am separated from my husband after years of poor mental health (his) and his constant inability to keep on his medication. I am still his carer. Its our 20th anniversary next week and I am so angry! I told him he needed to go to therapy and do CBT when all this started. He said he couldn't see the point. He was sectioned 2 years ago and the psychiatrist told him to under no circumstances come off the meds. He came off the meds. Why I asked him why he said he didnt know. He ended up in the same position. I told him this was his last chance and not accessing treatment was my line in the sand. He did it again so I told him I was done. The thing is, since I've done that, he's been taking his meds, started going to group therapy and doing CBT and its made a difference. He's not the same as he was, but he's at least responsive and will do things. But I am furious! Our DS just finished his A Levels and has had to deal with this crap throughout and now when its all over, he's all chatty and sitting cheering on the football! I have done all the Uni visits, all the revision timetables, everything and all he had to do was take his meds and try and keep on an even keel if not for himself for his son while he was going through stressful exams. He failed to do so. I keep looking back to 20 years ago. We had such a fab wedding. We had loads in common, had loads of fun together for years. We were 'Smug Married's'. Facebook memories come up of us with the kids having fun on holidays, at the beach etc. I went to visit him in hospital, worked, paid all the bills, looked after the kids, drove him around everywhere. All he had to look after his own health. I didnt even ask him to get another job ( although he did do several jobs before having to quit because he couldn't cope) He's thrown it all in the bin because the alarms on his phone telling him when to take his meds were annoying. He's stolen the last years I had with both my DC's at home, and hes tainted our childrens teenage years with worry. The fact that he is so much better now is infuriating when if he'd just done all the things he'd been told to do 2 years ago it would have saved all this.

I understand your anger, and grief. I really do. It is grief at what you and your DC have lost. But, if he is genuinely unwell, it is impossible to tell if he really had control over his actions in the way that you are describing. In any case, all you can do is to let it go and work at making your peace with reality . You can't change any of it. Just protect yourself and your DC from it, as much as you can. Good luck!

Can you divorce and stop being his carer? It must be confusing for your kids .

Choose happiness and free yourself from this limbo.

I mean he was genuinely unwell, but he was able to function on the meds and was applying for, getting and holding down jobs so yes, when he was ill, he was ill. But when he decided to stop taking the meds and when he refused to follow up on offers of therapy he was well.

Yes we will and I will. I've spoken to the kids loads of times and explained to them that this is not a normal situation. But DS1 is hoping to go to Uni and DS2 is in the middle of GCSES. I've told him I will not be his carer forever, just temporarily.

Apparently "In sickness and in health" meets nothing to you.

What a shame!

Sad the world has come to this.

I've been married over 30 years,
"... in sickness and in health ..." wasn't mentioned in my vows.

Oh this is eerily familiar. My husband of 7 years was in an accident 18 months ago and suffered a traumatic brain injury. So similarly going from one personality to another. Our children are 8 and 5. The trying to explain to them this is not normal, but also why we put up with it. Partly because of attitudes like ‘in sickness and in health’ from above. I wonder if they know what that really means. I spend a third of my days planning an escape a third trying to survive and a third fantasising it will get better and trying to plan for the future I thought we’d have. Nightmare. Thanks for the thread.

Don’t be so judgemental.

OP, glad to read you will be divorcing him.
Sadly mental illness can be a very selfish disease and utter misery for those around it.

He chose to stop the meds and put you through hell.

Whatever about myself I couldn't forgive the turmoil for my children.

It is ok to want more now.

I have known far too many women who offered up decades for often selfish men.

It is not something I would judge someone choosing to no longer do.

Wishing you well.

I don't think it was mentioned in my vows either. IN any case, my children weren't born when I made those vows and their wellbeing is now more important.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. That sounds awful. Is it recoverable, the brain injury or do they just not know?

They say generally that you have two years and then what you are left with is what you will be going forward. Roughly speaking. It’s so important to use those two years fully for rehab and recovery but he refuses to engage, focusses on the wrong things, doesn’t have insight into his behaviours. Obviously he has come on amazingly but ultimately he has gone from a high performing motivated fun individual to a very unhappy unmotivated angry and confused individual. I really feel for you and glad your children are at an age where you can put yourself first.

Cool story, I've been married twenty years 😄

The man's sickness was untreated by his choice, making his wife and kids suffer.

What a shame!

Yes this is what I feel has happened in our situation. He wasn't particularly high flying, never really loved working yet had such a massive reaction to being made redundant. If he had just put effort into his recovery- I know it's hard but only he can do it so really there is no choice. I was running around, his mother was running around, even his aunt was offering to pay her friend for therapy yet none of that was worth anything because he himself has been unwilling to try. That's what has caused the situation, rather than me running off at the first sign of ' sickness'. Yes I am glad in a way that my children are older but it still does worry me that in a few years they will look back and see all of the s instead of the good times we had.

I dot want to be a dick but…are you sure you’re not angry with yourself.

You don’t need to stay, and you know that. You should probably have left years ago. It would also have meant your child would have had one safe space away from his fathers misery.

Now I’m not blaming you for staying but, of course there is some personal responsibility. I’d be mad at myself too.

It now you can choose differently. So what do you want the next twenty years to look like? Stop giving him all the power.

I am, yes. I am angry for being lulled into a false sense of security by his taking the meds and seeming to be on the road to recovery. I was really nervous about talking to my mil after she found out, and I had a whole speech prepared about how in the long run, it would be better for all of us including her son. She waited til I finished and said "To he honest I'm surprised you stuck it out for so long!" I did feel quite stupid then as if everyone was thinking " why is she putting up with this?!"

What does he have OP? I think it makes a difference if it adhd or eg schizophrenia

What is the illness? I had a bad breakdown a number of years ago. I’ve had therapy after being diagnosed with four different mental health based illnesses.

I have good days and bad days, on both I am managing the symptoms as best as I can it’s just on some of the bad days people can see what’s going on inside.

it’s very hard and definitely not my fault mine’s trauma related, the important part of therapy is to remind myself none of this is my fault. Your DP may be the same. So it’s not as easy as it may seem to you. Him watching the football doesn’t mean there’s not other stuff still inside.

One thing I found was that, and apparently this is really common, when my husband would start taking the medication he would start to feel better & then think well that's it I'm better - so stop taking it.
It's maddening !

GAD and depression.No trauma as far as I know.

I do understand that he is ill, and the med thing is common but frankly the only difference me being here has made has been that me and the kids are on the waiting list for therapy. We are in the same place as 2 years ago. In that time, I've slept in the kitchen just in case he got to the knives, had the police round because he called them and said the children needed to be taken into care because they didn't have any food to eat ( he was sectioned as a result) had to drive across the country to collect him as he'd gone to help his mum move, didn't take his meds and then couldn't leave the bedroom and thought he was trapped with no way out, took DS1 to a university and had DS2 calling me saying Dad kept coming into his room and waking him up, so then had to arrange for him to sleep at his friends house for any open day where we had to be away, had to deal with him quitting 4 jobs and having to tell the kids that actually no, dad hasn't got better at all, dealing with their anger and upset and hopes that things would be back to normal being dashed all over again, called 111 and the Crisis team more times that I can remember only to be told that he's an adult and there's not much they can do if he's refusing treatment, all while holding down a full time job which I had to increase my hours to pay the bills. None of any of that has helped. The only thing so far that has made him access therapy has been leaving him. So I understand he is unwell and probably doesn't know what he's doing but at this stage that's for him to sort out. My responsibility is to make sure he doesn't fuck my children up permanently while holding onto my own sanity.

Please ignore all the in sickness and in health stuff OP - they aren’t living with it, you are - people are very fond of saying you can leave for any reason and then poo pooing it if it relates to health- either mental or physical and in some cases self inflicted - you know the score, you are there- we are not

He did it again so I told him I was done. The thing is, since I've done that, he's been taking his meds, started going to group therapy and doing CBT and its made a difference. He's not the same as he was, but he's at least responsive and will do things. But I am furious!

Quite understandably.

I'd get on with divorcing him. It's quite likely if you were to stay that he'd return to his old patterns once complacent.

And it just shows he could have been trying harder before, but chose to instead to put it on you.

Even as he's having a period of chosen wellness now, it's too little, too late. Whatever love you once possessed for him can't be recovered.

I can relate. I divorced my first husband of 23 years because he suffered from depression which he expressed in anger and I felt like I was always walking on eggshells. His parents also confided in me without him in earshot that they'd understand if I divorced him. After I told him I planned to divorce, he did go on meds and received psychiatric help, and it worked. I stayed and was happy. But then after 2 years he said he never meant to be on meds the rest of his life. I begged him not to stop but he did and became even worse. At that point, I again said that I would divorce him and that even if he went back on meds, my decision wouldn't change. Like you, there comes a point where it's the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Try to think of the positives--that you brought the wonderful children you have into the world because of him. And that you still have half of your life to live in the way that you want to build it. Take care.

@category12 yes this is what I think. That a lot of it is learned helplessness - that he doesn't want to do something and has no incentive to force himself to do it because I'm doing the working/driving/childcare etc.
@ScorpionLioness79 thank you. Yes my children are indeed wonderful and keeping them that way is now my priority.