My DW's and my relationship with my MIL (DW's mother) is deteriorating rapidly, and we're wondering if we're being unfair to her?
My DW and her mother (MIL) have always had a complicated relationship.
DW was a much cherished "gift" baby, after a very difficult time.
PIL (both in their 80s) have a borderline toxic relationship, but have remained married ostensibly "for the children", but at least as much for convenience (if not happiness). This has caused a lot of guilt for DW, as the "cause" of PIL's long-term unhappiness.
One of our DCs came out as gay 3 or 4 years ago. PIL are strong Christians - MIL especially - and this initially caused some issues.
Fast forward 2 or 3 years, and a couple of relationships later, and this DC is in a settled relationship with a lovely, sociable partner, who treats our DC just as you'd hope.
As is normal, DC's partner visits us a lot, and they are increasingly present at family gatherings.
MIL has acted appallingly at the majority of these. She has purposefully blanked and ignored them, will get up and leave the room if they enter, and refuses to have any sort of conversation with them at all.
I could probably count on one hand the number of times she's even uttered a cursory greeting or acknowledgement to them.
This has been very hurtful to DC, because they've watched MIL for years be the sweet doting grandmother, the first to welcome and engage with any new partners, always asking about families, education, work etc.
DW called MIL out on this after a couple of incidents, and MIL responded with a jumbled list of excuses/responses:
"i don't know them, why would i need to talk to them at all?"
"i don't like them, i don't like the way they treat DC"
"it's disgusting how they just grope each other all the time" (after some hand-holding)
"i don't like them, they're just ruling the relationship, and DC just doesn't see it"
"DC doesn't need me to like their partner, they can just go off and be happy with their own lives"
Things have basically escalated from there, with MIL doubling-down on her position, then fawning over more recent partners in the wider family.
DW continues to call MIL out on this behaviour, and at one point DC very calmly and kindly tried to sit MIL down and explain how hurtful this behaviour was.
Nothing has made the slightest bit of difference.
MIL claims we're trying to force her into a falsely close relationship with partner, and that it would be a betrayal of her beliefs, and that she needs time.
This really isn't the case - we're happy to give her time, and we're not expecting her to be all gushy and over the top - just to be baseline civil - say hello, goodbye etc, and not be overtly rude, and take the time to see that partner is actually a very sweet and caring person.
The result of all of this, is that what was once a very close relationship between DW, DCs and MIL is now dwindling to nothing.
MIL is raging against this, claiming that we're brainwashing our other DCs into accepting this relationship, that she's had counselling and her counsellor has told her we're being abusive, and that she needs to establish stronger boundaries with us to protect herself.
She won't acknowledge any of the double-standards in her behaviour, or that her issue is basically bigotry, maintaining that she's absolutely the victim.
DW finds it very hard, because her relationship with MIL was always extremely close (co-dependent/enmeshed for a long time, probably), and she has a lot of guilt about upsetting MIL.
But at the same time, she's determined to advocate for all our DCs' happiness, however that is achieved.
Are we expecting too much from MIL?
In our efforts to allow our DCs to establish their own lives, are we being too insensitive to those of a more conservative viewpoint?
Apologies - that was very long!