Partner’s anger and verbal abuse worsening after bereavement and ongoing stress

[NellieShoe]

Just need to get my thoughts down and I feel shocked and shaky following another angry episode by partner of 13 years.
My Partners mum passed away about 3 years ago. since then he has become unrecognisable.
The anger outbursts and verbal abuse has escalated.
As an aside we have had a few very stressful years and life hasn’t gone our way or been any fun.
The last few months in particular I have sensed his outbursts getting worse and his behaviour feels odd. ( a feeling I’ve had before when ex was cheating )
I asked him about it and again I was in the wrong and he got mad.
Partner has ED issues for which he has done nothing to seek help. He’s addicted to Porn and as a result we have no sex life . I’ve told him it’s not me I still want to. He just doesn’t come near me because he can’t sustain an erection for penetrative sex.
I am devasted that I’ve been stupid enough to get myself in this position again and scared for my future. Starting over again in midlife.
I feel I’m walking on eggshells and I’m worried as he’s not capable of a conversation he just explodes.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. He crossed that line a long time ago and his mother dying is no excuse for his behaviour towards you.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. A day with him is a day wasted. There is no excuse or justification for his abuses of you. You have no future with this man and you’d be far better off on your own. Do you both work outside the home?. If he does he certainly does not treat his work colleagues the same as he does you.

Startling again to you may feel daunting but it’s your only good option here. What is the situation re the finances and property?.

@NellieShoe the only acceptable abuse in a loving, healthy relationship is NONE. End of.

He doesn't do it at work or out in public. He only does it behind closed doors. That tells us that he is choosing to abuse you and does it because he can.

We don't hurt those we love and cherish, OP. Somewhere along the years you've forgotten this and that you matter as well.

Sounds like he is escalating too.

We accept the love we think we deserve and you DO NOT deserve this.

Please leave him.

Thanks for your reply.
I work part time and do everything in the home. He doesn’t lift a finger. I also have an adult child who needs low level care. I landed a new full time job last week.
House is mortgaged in both names. Not married.

I’m on a low wage either way. However I contribute to bills relative to my wage.
He has alluded to having no money. He earns significantly more than me. I’m scared he is in debt. Sorry to drip feed.

You're not married so presumably if you split, you'd sell the house and go your separate ways? His debts are his problem. He's abusive and his mother's death 3 years ago is not an excuse for this. He's a porn addict and you have no sex life. What on earth is keeping you in this relationship?

Why are you scared he is in debt?. That would be his debt and thus his sole responsibility.

What is indeed keeping you with this man?. I would readily assume your adult dc cannot abide him at all. You’re in both a destructive and codependent relationship with your abuser. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Again how can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

Yes I’ve rebuilt my life before , I’m just so shocked that the same things happened to me again. Never should have trusted a man again. I’m feeling overwhelmed with everything but I know I deserve better than being screamed at.

I’m scared because he’s been so secretive about it. He’s been acting odd for months and when I asked him I got more rage directed at me.

Staying with him is completely untenable. He is both a selfish and secretive individual and such abusive men hate women, all of them. He will
contnue to make your life a misery as long as you are there.

He sounds absolutely awful. Please find the strength to leave and find some happiness.

Think you need to leave he sounds awful and your life will be better without his abuse.

You have nothing to lose but your chains. Just go and start over.

Well you certainly don't sound like you're enjoying life at the moment and it sounds like things can't get much worse. I would grab a pen and paper, concentrate on your side of things only and write down all the things you would lose and gain by leaving. It will help you see things much clearer. The relationship isn't only about his feelings

Thanks for all the replies I am grateful.
We were so happy but the man i have loved is long gone.I am no longer affectionate with him. Somehow that’s my fault. Like everything else that has happened. (In his head )
He has zero respect for me
My interpretation is that he blames me for his ED and he is enraged about it. I know what’s not the case because he had problems initially when I met him 13 years ago.

Any male Dad’s netters perspective on this ????

I never wanted any of this.
I have compiled a message to text him but I’m scared to send it. Partly because it’s final but partly because of his reaction to me.
I caught him looking at me the other day with such hate 🙁

You do not really need a male perspective but they would tell you he is abusive towards you and in turn your adult child.

Send the message. Do not be anywhere near him when you tell him it’s over and if he kicks off do not be afraid to involve the police. Ignore any promises from
him re therapy or change. It’s not your fault he has decided to abuse you, that was never your doing. His behaviour is entirely his responsibility. Being abused like this is going to give anyone confusion and all sorts.

Enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme could help you no end going forward.

In an abusers head everything is someone else’s fault and never their own. Many people also do go from
one abuser to another, albeit of a different type but abusive all the same. It is not an uncommon or unknown scenario by any means. Your boundaries here, skewed by previous abuse/ ill treatment are being further eroded by this man now.

Why on earth would you waste your time composing a text to him?

You have to shift your focus from him to yourself.

Do not communicate anything to him from now on.

What are you doing today to leave this situation and build a new life for yourself?

You need to plan your exit route. Get some legal advice and a plan. This abuse is not normal.

You are correct. I have gone from one to another. There haven’t been short term relationships though and they haven’t become abusive for years. However I recognise now that it is abuse.
I will never trust a man again.
I feel stupid and embarrassed.
The road to freedom will be a long one.

I wanted to clarify why the relationship has broken down. To make him see that it’s not my sex drive that’s the problem.
I don’t see how I can live in the same house and not at least communicate over text. ? Arrangements must be made to sell the house and divide assets.

To clarify I am defining it as emotional and verbal abuse. Not physical.
For my sanity please can you read them.
Examples are inability to have adult conversations during conflict. He screams and shouts at me. Every other word is a swear word. Storms out. Shouts me down. Takes out car so I can’t leave.
When I cry because of this it makes him more angry.
He never attempts to comfort me. He never apologises or acknowledges his behaviour. There is no resolution he acts like nothings happened each and every time. I have given up trying to have conversations.
His behaviour has escalated and now is more volatile.
He has told me I have used him to pay bills. ( as mentioned I pay in proportion to current salary )
This hurts the most because he knew that giving up my financial independence by selling my old house and buying a larger property with him was always a worry for me.
He is secretive and has begun staring at me with hate.

He’s even told me I am too intelligent 🙁

@NellieShoe - if you genuinely intend to leave this man there is nothing about the relationship that requires ‘clarification’ - it is in the past.

Furthermore, when a man screams and shouts and looks at you with hatred, your safety becomes an issue. The very last thing you should be doing is writing or even saying anything that he can use as an excuse to attack or injure you.

The fact that you still think writing and explaining will improve things in any way suggests that you’re still hoping to repair the relationship. Is that the case?

Please be careful, OP. Your physical safety comes first.

Do not send a text to him.