Partner’s anger and verbal abuse worsening after bereavement and ongoing stress

[NellieShoe]

Just need to get my thoughts down and I feel shocked and shaky following another angry episode by partner of 13 years.
My Partners mum passed away about 3 years ago. since then he has become unrecognisable.
The anger outbursts and verbal abuse has escalated.
As an aside we have had a few very stressful years and life hasn’t gone our way or been any fun.
The last few months in particular I have sensed his outbursts getting worse and his behaviour feels odd. ( a feeling I’ve had before when ex was cheating )
I asked him about it and again I was in the wrong and he got mad.
Partner has ED issues for which he has done nothing to seek help. He’s addicted to Porn and as a result we have no sex life . I’ve told him it’s not me I still want to. He just doesn’t come near me because he can’t sustain an erection for penetrative sex.
I am devasted that I’ve been stupid enough to get myself in this position again and scared for my future. Starting over again in midlife.
I feel I’m walking on eggshells and I’m worried as he’s not capable of a conversation he just explodes.

I guess I always have hope because I’m a loyal person .and i am in denial because of this. I still care for him but I know this is wrong and have to face it.

Why not show some loyalty to yourself?

I mean - he isn’t loyal to you when he’s ill treating you, is he?

For what it’s worth, I lost a parent this year. I haven’t screamed at anyone or tried to make them feel worthless since I was bereaved

I’m very sorry to hear of your parent's death.

I have very low confidence and Self esteem so that’s why I wouldn’t think to be loyal to myself.

What do you need to do to get out? Can you afford to rent somewhere or do you need to stay with someone? Obviously the house will need to be sold but make sure you have your exit planned before you tell him. Get a plant together - this will not get any better, it will only get worse. So sorry you’re going through this and just imagine what it will feel like to be free of this man and his behaviour towards you.

I cannot afford to leave I have nowhere I can go or afford it anyway so will have no option but to stay in the house.
How do I go about arranging the sale if I can’t communicate with him. ?
I can’t afford a solicitor either.

Find out if likely to have ay equity if the house is sold first. You could say something to him
like:
“I’ve been thinking about our situation, and I’ve decided that I want to sell the house. I think it’s the best option for me, and I’d like us to discuss how we can move forward with putting the property on the market. I know this affects both of us, so I’d like to talk about the next steps together.”. I can’t see how you can stay together under one roof tbh

Frankly and honestly I’d say you’re beyond the point where you and he can have a calm rational conversation about the house. If you raise the issue of selling it while you’re there together, I’m afraid for your safety.

No one thinks they have somewhere else to go in this situation - but you need to think hard. And involve agencies who might advise or help. Firstly, ensure you have all documentation relating to your mortgage and payments. If those are physical documents get them out of the house and store them somewhere safe. Make sure you have backups of stuff stored on your laptop.

Even part time work must earn enough to help pay for transport and short term accommodation? You are not helpless - and now is a time where you must strive to help yourself.

It’s not clear if your adult child lives with you? Get whatever help you can to provide for them if necessary.

But you must get out of the house before you begin the process of selling it. And I’m afraid you will need a solicitor.

@UpDownAllAround1 Thanks that gives me a start point of what to say.
However he could still react to that.
I have some equity in the house.
I am scared that if he’s in debt he has secretly secured the house to the debts or would he need my consent to do that ?

This is why you need legal assistance.

Don't forget womens aid also if you need a break from it. They could allow you to stay with them for a few days and to talk to someone who is well used to these things

Where is that happening in 2026, @TeaBiscuitsNaptime? Women’s Aid are stretched to breaking point - I doubt they’re offering nice stress free holidays.

Ok, point taken. They are probably much busier these days. I was unfortunate enough to use their services once upon a time but that was about 10 years ago alright! 😏

This is all profoundly true.

I know I sound ridiculous but I’m still in denial. How did I not see the pattern of abuse creep in. ?? ??I feel so stupid. 😭
my heart hurts.
How have I allowed myself to become so dependant on this man. ? I was so independent before. I even feel I’m imagining it. ? My Brain is trying to process it all.