How to handle future family gatherings

[FairPearlPoet]

Me and my husband have been together for almost 8 years. I get along with his mums side of the family really well, we see each other regularly and they’ve always been wonderful to me and our daughter. The dad’s side not so much, they undoubtedly love our daughter but me not so much. They were lovely towards me when I’d just given birth, they were round our house a lot and I really felt like I had such a strong family unit. This quickly died down which was fine and refreshing to have my own little family and bubble. An issue came up (I won’t go into too much detail) but the outcome was that me and his father both played our part and agreed we just won’t see eye to eye and we don’t speak anymore because of this. He therefore doesn’t come to our house to see our daughter anymore, my husband goes to his. Which is fine and I believe we are both happy with this arrangement. One thing I didn’t anticipate was now I believe his whole family may hate me. It was recently my birthday and I noticed his family had seen that it was my birthday and yet no one messaged me to wish me a birthday, and it was pretty special as it was my first birthday as a mother. I’ve always reached out to message them on their birthdays. I did find out they were gossiping about me before the issue with the father came up so I’m not sure if they started not liking me before the issue, if it was the argument or if it is now because they aren’t invited to my daughters first birthday party. I left the invitations for my husbands family and friends to my husband, while I invited my family and friends. My husband didn’t invite his father as it is at his mothers house (to save money) and she was more than willing to help, I don’t think he’d have an issue with this either as we kinda knew with me and his mum being there he would never turn up anyway. As far as I’m aware I get along with all his other family members but I’m now unsure and I feel extremely isolated and now don’t feel like I should attend any gatherings of there’s as I think I’ll be really uncomfortable. How do people navigate situations like these? I know at Halloween they have a big gathering that my Husband goes to every year (and so do I and my daughter went to her first one last year) but now I don’t think I should attend anything… how do i navigate future events? Me and my own family aren’t close due to them not making an effort with me or my daughter so if it wasn’t for my husband, daughter and my husbands mums side of the family I think I’d be very lost…

Is it not possible to mend the rift with OH's dad? You have many, many years to avoid gatherings otherwise.

You sound pretty high maintenance and without knowing why you fell out with your boyfriend’s father, it’s impossible to say whether it’s reconcilable. You are setting yourself up for years of low level conflict though. What did you expect when you cut him off?

So all this is because some of your ILs you don't see much of didn't say happy birthday to you on a birthday you think is particularly important because it's the first one since you had a child? Serious main character energy there, OP. I'm not sure any of my ILs (of whom I am very fond) have the faintest idea when my birthday is and I've been married to DH for decades! Just go to family gatherings and stop falling out with people.

Me and my own family aren’t close due to them not making an effort with me or my daughter

This gave me pause. I think your expectations possibly unreasonable.

You're not close with your own family because they "don't make enough effort."
You expected a fuss on your birthday because it was your "first as a mother" (that really isn't a thing to the rest of the world).
You were surprised and upset when members of your FIL's family (who would that be anyway?) didn't wish you happy birthday when you don't see or speak to him at all. Why wouldn't his family be entirely on his side?

I think you have an inflated idea of your importance in the wider family. I get that we're all a little bit PFB sometimes, but you are taking it too far.

Yes, the thing to do is 'the right thing' regarding birthdays and families, and get through them safely, using tips and tricks if necessary, and don't take it personally and that's it.

We are adults now and we can do quiet things to keep ourselves out of drama and away from angst.

I think unfortunately @OttersOnAPlane does sort of have it right. Maybe there’s something we’re all missing but it reads like no one wants to talk to or interact with you, which does make you the common denominator.

I dont think the world works the way you expect it to.

I’m afraid I agree with pps. You lost me at thinking your first birthday as a mother was pretty special, and expecting birthday wishes because you give them. I have two (female) relatives like you and I just can’t be bothered with them. My own family and my own life occupy most of my time, I really have no headspace for anyone who demands/expects outside of my husband, children and sometimes parents/siblings.

Also, seems like the common denominator in fractured relationships might be you. Worth thinking about.

they aren’t invited to my daughters first birthday party

And there's this - they aren't invited to their granddaughter's first birthday but you think they should have wished you happy birthday?

Your first birthday as a mother? That really isn’t a thing, it’s just your birthday, the same as every year.

What was the ‘issue’ meaning you have fallen out with your partner’s dad? Why have you had issues with your own family? Why is your ‘first birthday as a mother’ something your partner’s parents should be recognising? Did you family throw a special ‘first birthday as a father’ party for your partner?!

You are coming across as hard work here-I suspect that’s what they think of you as well.

I think with respect that you’re overthinking a lot of these things. Your birthday as a mum is just a birthday and whilst you’re obviously great at remembering key dates, I don’t find lots of people are that bothered these days.

If you don’t get on with his dad are you that bothered about seeing them? Just make the most of the relationships you have that are positive, and don’t place any expectation on the others. Concentrate on having fun with your DC!

I mean this kindly, but your 'first birthday as a mother' might feel important to you, but it won't matter in the slightest to anyone else.

First birthday as a mother, is not a thing.

that is down to my husband to invite his family, same as I wouldn’t expect him to contact mine to invite them?

No it isn’t a thing and I don’t expect much from people but I find it weird to see it’s my birthday (they’ve seen on my husbands social media) yet to not reach out and send a quick message

Oh of course I know people won’t see that as I see it, I know my husbands mums side do but i believe it’s because I’m close to them that they understand that.

Yeah and i understand that, the same way i could easily forget to message someone when it’s their birthday. My husband doesn’t see them much either so I’m not bothered I just want to gather what I should do if something was to arise

Is there any chance that you could reconcile, both with your FIL and your own family?

It will make life a lot easier going forward. You wouldn't have all this drama for a start.

I’m not high maintenance, quite the opposite actually considering I don’t expect much from anyone and is the reason why I don’t ask anyone of anything especially regarding my daughter. I was go into it as it’s a very long winded story however I was not the one to cut him off (I wouldn’t for my husbands or daughters sake, that was his doing) he’s just that type of person (he doesn’t speak to the mother of his kids - even if it was about the kids)

Did your ILs have an acrimonious split? Do they get along now? If not, I suspect your FIL’s side view you as being on Team MIL.

Just play the game, keep making an effort to get along with everybody but don’t put yourself out too much. You can’t control other people’s behaviours.

My own family I’ve not got an active problem with I’m just purely not close to them due to feeling like I was the one making all the effort. They were invited to my daughter’s birthday party however they just don’t enjoy going to events so they won’t be coming, which disappointed me a bit. But I wouldn’t cause a drama with them over it. And FIL I could reach out for sure but I don’t believe he’d ever respond as my husbands mother tries to reach out regarding their children and he doesn’t respond. He’s not really one to reconcile is what I’ve always gathered.

It’s quite known I’m closer with them for sure but my husband is closer with him mothers side so it makes sense that I am as well, just because we seem them a lot more and they make more effort. MIL to this day still has built up annoyance over him not bothering with his kids much.

Look I’m not saying anyone has to do anything, but respectfully I would see it as rude if I saw it was their birthdays and didn’t message. Which is why I do and they have previous years! I don’t expect much from anyone let alone people that aren’t my own family but I think it’s valid to ask how I can navigate future gatherings. If your only advice is telling me I have main character syndrome (which granted you should if it was your birthday - it’s a bit sad if not lol) then take it elsewhere

Also I used to say happy birthday to every man and his dog on Facebook/Insta but I barely use it now, so my birthday messages are lacking. I’d hate to think that there was a distant family member who was upset about it, because there’s no malice intended. People just don’t seem to interact on SM very much these days.