How to handle future family gatherings

[FairPearlPoet]

Me and my husband have been together for almost 8 years. I get along with his mums side of the family really well, we see each other regularly and they’ve always been wonderful to me and our daughter. The dad’s side not so much, they undoubtedly love our daughter but me not so much. They were lovely towards me when I’d just given birth, they were round our house a lot and I really felt like I had such a strong family unit. This quickly died down which was fine and refreshing to have my own little family and bubble. An issue came up (I won’t go into too much detail) but the outcome was that me and his father both played our part and agreed we just won’t see eye to eye and we don’t speak anymore because of this. He therefore doesn’t come to our house to see our daughter anymore, my husband goes to his. Which is fine and I believe we are both happy with this arrangement. One thing I didn’t anticipate was now I believe his whole family may hate me. It was recently my birthday and I noticed his family had seen that it was my birthday and yet no one messaged me to wish me a birthday, and it was pretty special as it was my first birthday as a mother. I’ve always reached out to message them on their birthdays. I did find out they were gossiping about me before the issue with the father came up so I’m not sure if they started not liking me before the issue, if it was the argument or if it is now because they aren’t invited to my daughters first birthday party. I left the invitations for my husbands family and friends to my husband, while I invited my family and friends. My husband didn’t invite his father as it is at his mothers house (to save money) and she was more than willing to help, I don’t think he’d have an issue with this either as we kinda knew with me and his mum being there he would never turn up anyway. As far as I’m aware I get along with all his other family members but I’m now unsure and I feel extremely isolated and now don’t feel like I should attend any gatherings of there’s as I think I’ll be really uncomfortable. How do people navigate situations like these? I know at Halloween they have a big gathering that my Husband goes to every year (and so do I and my daughter went to her first one last year) but now I don’t think I should attend anything… how do i navigate future events? Me and my own family aren’t close due to them not making an effort with me or my daughter so if it wasn’t for my husband, daughter and my husbands mums side of the family I think I’d be very lost…

So you don't see them, your husband hardly sees them, and you're huffing because they didn't wish you a happy birthday after you had a baby because you think they saw it on your husband's social media? Yes, absolutely normal to consider your own birthdays important, to you, but deeply abnormal to think that people you barely see and whom your husband barely sees are being rude not to get in touch about it. Your baby's birthday party was mystifyingly big enough to need to be held at your MIL's house 'to save money' (baby's first birthdays are generally a few local family members watching a baby dribble while trying to blow out a candle in their own kitchen), and you still seem to be blaming your FIL's family for not showing up, even though he himself wasn't invited. Again, your reasoning is quite obscure.

Enormous mountain out of tiny molehill. If you're invited to the usual Halloween party, go if you want to, if not send your child with your DH. It's not a big deal.

You cannot compare your relationship with your boyfriend's father to his relationship with his ex wife. It's like comparing apples to cart horses. No cross over whatsoever.

Swallow your pride, make up with FIL and lose the expectations about people having to celebrate non-events that you've imbued with bizarre significance. Otherwise, accept that you will be excluded from your partner's paternal family events and make your peace with it.

This is not like Christmas cards, where you can reasonably expect each half of a couple to do their own relatives. It's only a child's first birthday party (which they won't even remember), and it does not take two adults to organise invitations to their own side of the family.

Exactly this, unless there is a massive backstory, it reads like you expect everyone to come to you, that you can't believe they don't pay you attention, and that your answer is to cut them off. I doubt they've even noticed or care.

Hi op I think if people don’t like you they are not going to wish you a happy birthday so get used to this. just forget the dads side concentrate on the ones you like and any gatherings on dads side dh can go without you it’s quite normal for lots of families to do this.

but now I don’t think I should attend anything… how do i navigate future events?

You'll only isolate yourself further by avoiding family occasions. If you're invited, go, be sociable, put your best foot forward. Don't let what you imagine people are thinking get in the way.

It'll be far easier to change any faulty perceptions of you by being good company and clearly not that bad of a person, than it is by hiding away and appearing like you don't like them or think you're too good for them.

made me laugh!

You can disagree on something without going no contact. I would through an olive branch and talk it out.

Your first birthday as a mother is not that significant to your father in law’s family…

Your birthday isn't a more important one just because you're now a mum. This is a weird take on things

How do people navigate situations like these?

Well we just behave like adults. We turn up and make polite conversation. And we don't get in a snit because they didn't recognise our birthday on fb (or wherever).

I’m not high maintenance, quite the opposite actually considering I don’t expect much from anyone

I don't know how you can say that with a straight face! You are low contact with your own family because they don't make enough effort (your words!). And you're falling out with FIL's side of the family because they didn't send you birthday wishes - even though you didn't invite them to your child's first birthday.

(What, that was your husband's job? Well maybe it's your husband's job to wish you happy birthday. These things run both ways you know!)

You need to take a long cold hard look at yourself before you screw up all the relationships in your life.

I do think you should disclose the issue that you had with your FIL.
This is obviously important, and will help us to understand the problems you are having. Without knowing this🤔 we can only surmise.

We can then get a clearer picture of the whole situation, and advise you accordingly. You have posted on here for other people's perspectives, which they cannot do without seeing the whole picture.