Cousin ignoring me after seeing me with my toxic ex, is she being unfair?

[Blessed23]

I’m really upset that my cousin has fallen out with me.
I had been in a toxic relationship for 2 years with a man who was using substances to cope with terrible things he had been through. Which in turn made him treat me not very good.
my family don’t like him because of it, obviously. I left him. But I have been in touch with him. I love him but there is no chance that I would get back with him.
I met him for a drink at the weekend and a family member saw me and told my cousin.
She messaged me and had a go and now is just ignoring me and won’t speak to me.

i understand she is upset but I don’t think I deserve her to treat me like a villain.

Is she wrong for treating me like this?

im only human at the end of the day

She shouldn’t be ignoring you, no. But you need to completely cut contact with him. You know this.

Have you spent ages complaining to them about him? You are not entitled to your cousins attention

You’re wrong to have reestablished contact and you got caught.
I wouldn’t want to maintain relationships with family who use or support drug use.

I guess she's frustrated and feels like you're going to end up back with him.

It's a bit like quitting smoking and then saying "oh I'll just have a quick puff" for you to spend time with him.

It's not great of her to cut you off but she needs to do what's best for her if she can't bear to be around it.

I cut a relative off for staying in an abusive relationship I can't watch someone i love be repeatedly beaten and most likely eventually killed. She made her choice.

She’s probably sick of hearing how shitty he is just for you to go straight back to him. It’s very boring watching people create life drama through their own actions. Well done for leaving him, now leave him in the past where he belongs. He doesn’t deserve your time OP.

You are minimising this man’s behaviour in the message you posted. He’s a bad person who treats people badly. Stop excusing his awful behaviour and justifying it by trying to blame his trauma for “making him do it”. The vast majority of people that have been through trauma don’t use it to justify their poor treatment of others and IF poor behaviour is pointed out to them most people will work on getting it under control. He didn’t. He doesn’t. From the sound of it he’s put you through a horrible time and your family are involved and are also paying a price to. Is HORRIBLE seeing a loved one throw themselves down the drain for a toxic manipulative waste of space that they are intent on saving even though everybody else can see exactly what’s going iron and that they can’t be saved. Why on earth would you even WANT to drink with somebody that’s done that to you? I kindly suggest that you get some standards pronto and work on your self esteem as this really isn’t a healthy thing to be continuing. I don’t even know why you would?

They wasted their time listening to you moaning about the toxic person, no wonder they aren’t talking you.

Why aren’t you holding your ex to the same standard you expect from your cousin? He’s FAR worse but she’s being seen as the unreasonable one.

This.

I think she has just given up because you clearly don't learn from your mistakes. You still love him, you still hang out with him. It's like having saved someone from drowning, and then they turn around and jump in at the deep end again. Eventually you just have to say to yourself that it's enough.

She's absolutely furious with you for being so stupid and seeing him again. Sorry to be blunt, but WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!

This man is seriously bad news. He who abused you, and it doesn't matter why he did that, or why he used 'substances'. Stay away from him. You're not going to be able to fix him, and this is never going to be a 'And They All Lived Happily Ever After' fairy tale ending just because you love him.

Stay away from him, and message your cousin and admit you were a fool.

You haven’t learnt your lesson as to what a shit show your ex was and yet you’ve gone back… but your surprised your cousin has got the step? Wake up! He hasn’t changed and you will look like an idiot very soon when he goes back to his usual ways and you’re upset.

Why are you angry with your cousin and not yourself?

She cares about you, and she's concerned that you may be getting sucked back in. She is probably hoping her displeasure will have some effect on your actions.

She may also be protectingnherself - it is hard to see someone you can about putting themselves in harm's way.

Having watched a good friend do just the same, it’s exhausting.
I just met him for a drink.
Thats how things start up again.
Your cousin has every right to keep her distance.

I love him but there is no chance that I would get back with him.
I met him for a drink

Can you even hear yourself? Your cousin clearly knows you better than you know yourself.

STAY AWAY FROM HIM before you alienate more loved ones who can't bear to watch you make the same mistake over and over again.

It’s devastating for family to watch you in an abusive relationship and support you out of it. We all can see you are headed back into it - her included - and she is right to be devastated by your choice.

I don't blame her. It's so frustrating watching people getting tucked back in. Although you say you don't want him back she doesn't see that.

Just keep away from him.

Don’t make excuses for him op. People who use substances to self medicate trauma aren’t abusive. Assholes are

If I saw a relative hanging out with an abusive druggy I would think 'not for me, thanks', and would 100% stay out of the guaranteed disaster.
Focus on building your self esteem and dating men who enhance your life, if you get sick of the bliss of singledom.

I think she can see that you're essentially playing with fire op and she's distancing herself from you because it hurts her to watch it.

You can't fully heal from trauma while still having the thing that traumatised you in your life.

I agree you need a clean cut. Have you had any therapy to help you unpack the abuse and process it a bit as I'll be honest it does sound like there's a bit of denial or something similar here. We don't stay friends with people who hurt and harm us. I think it's worth exploring why you feel you need to. You can't rescue or change him, you aren't responsible for him and to be honest, you're actually giving him the message that he can hurt others and there's a million second chances there waiting on him. It's not good for either of you.

Your family member has interfered enough and the decision to communicate with your ex was not theirs' and they should back off because you don't need the extra tension from them as you have suffered enough.

Do you have children?

It is incredibly frustrating watching someone continue to be around someone awful who mistreats them with the deluded cry of ‘But I love him!’