Partner has anger issues

[TheDenimKoala]

Looking for some advice on how to handle this situation. I (F) live with partner (M) and we have 2 daughters age 6 and 10. We've had a turbulent few years with his addiction issues. He's been sober a year now but it hasn't rectified any of the issues. In fact it could even be worse and he's generally around more. He can be so angry sometimes. He got really angry the other day because one of the kids left the door open whilst we had the air conditioning on. He turned it off..a while later once they were inside I turned it back on. He went mad, stormed out the house and didn't come back until late. He then didn't join in on any of our weekend plans. This is just one example, there are many more. His moods change regularly..sometimes he's fun, kind and helpful. Other times he's grumpy and angry and there's no way of telling which way he will be. I've had enough but don't want to disrupt the kids lives by separating, potentially moving from their schools, etc. They are really settled and happy. I thought it best to stay so they have a stable home but now I'm thinking it might be best to leave so have a stable home with consistent moods....

I'm not a mum but my advice would be to leave.
Your kids will be getting poisoned by his abuse.
Infact being abusive to a partner infront of kids is now seen as child abuse. Id done an nvq reciently.
Get out for your own sanity and your children's.

Don’t use the kids as an excuse to stay for any longer than you already have, you must know it’s damaging for them to live in an environment with an addict with anger issues. Start making the changes to leave if you want to do what’s best for your kids. Look at finances and start planning, can you not ask him to leave?

IT's not a stable home if they are scared of making mistakes lke leaving a door open. Which is what they will very quickly become.

Also, he stormed out becuase he wants you to learn that if he wants something, you have no right to make a decision that is not the same. The goal of him leaving ws so tht next time he makes some arbitary decision that affects you and your DC, instead of you saying, "no, that doesn't work for me so I'm going to do this other thing instead" you stick with whatever he did. It's also because he is angry that you are not doing what he wants.

Your children's mental health is being disrupted, which will have lifelong consequences for them.

Separate now.

My Dad was like this. It never changed, only got worse really when me and my brother left. He won’t change. If you stay with him you accept the reality that you currently live in.

Stupid question but have you tried talking to him about it? Surely the best answer would be if he got his temper under control and you can all live happily ever after? It's possible with therapy.

Do not stay with such a man for the supposed sake of your children or for a lifestyle you want to maintain . It’s a huge mistake and in addition you are also teaching them damaging lessons about relationships by doing that. It’s not your fault he is both the ways he is and you cannot rescue or save him from his own self. Such men too hate women, all of them.

Better to be apart and asap him than to remain so badly accompanied. Your kids need a happy mother first and foremost, not material things.

If you’ve had enough of him your kids likely feel the same if not worse. Worst of all they could blame themselves for their dad behaving as he does. Teach them properly that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. How can you be helped into leaving your, and in turn your kids, abuser?. This is who he is and he’s not going to change, he had learnt this works for him. He were o u ld need years of therapy even if he did ho which he is unlike to because he thinks you’re the problem. Do not appease an abuser but instead plan your exit with due care and attention. He does not treat his work
mates like he does you. No he’s all bloody sweetness and light to them.

Was your own father like this man?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents do what did yours teach you?.

Leave and get your dds out of there. My dm didn't leave, and I will never trust a man or risk sharing a house with one, ever.

Your children need a calm safe loving home, not one sitting on a powder keg.

Do you not think people can learn and change?

I honestly do. I used to be much more snappy and angry than I am now, I wanted to change and got therapy and stuff. I'm a much better parent now.

This, may father was a bit like your partner and it has had a big impact on me. I have chosen to stay single rather than living in a situation like you describe.

Horrible man. They'll hate him when theyre older and they'll judge you for ruining their childhood by staying.

Leave for the sake of their happiness if not.your own.

Have you tried relationship counselling? You can’t leave until you’ve at least attempted to sort things out.

Then he can leave, get therapy, sort himself out and then go back home.

Every day his behaviour impacts the children is a day too long. Telling him to leave should be the catalyst he needs.

It does kids more harm to stay in homes with men like this because they grow up thinking it’s normal and they have to “manage men’s moods”.

You might not know this but they will already be doing it. They will already be tiptoeing around him. And they think it’s normal because you stay and tolerate it too.

A little bit of instability now is nothing to growing up thinking this dynamic is normal. It sets them up to be in abusive relationships their whole lives.

Leave him and, be clear with your kids why. Because dads behaviour was not ok and we do not stay with people who do not treat us kindly. Such an important lesson. Our daughters need to be shown that it is not a woman’s job to put up with abuse from anyone or bend over backwards trying to placate them. That she must simply get away from bullies asap and stay away.

Give them one stable home with you at least some of the time. That’s better than walking on eggshells their whole life, witnessing their mother being treated like shit. And likely going on to repeat similar patterns. Potentially with even worse sorts of people.

You most certainly CAN btw.

Why do you think it’s ops job to sort things (HIM) out?

Has HE suggested HE get counselling for his anger issues? Has he done anything at all to change for his wife and kids?

Out of interest, what kind of relationship counselling would be of use in a situation where the man is volatile? None! And no decent therapist would agree to it either.

Women don’t just leave relationships on a whim. It sounds like op has been “attempting to sort things out” for years. But we cannot fix someone else. And we cannot change ourselves to change others.

Op doesn’t owe him anything. He’s a grown man and he’s made his bed repeatedly.
She has kids to think of. THEY are who she owes something to. A safe life, with a strong female rolemodel.

I don't think it's good for kids to grow up thinking this is what men/fathers are like, and this is what family life looks like. Currently their normal is living with an angry, sulky ex-addict and everyone on edge for his next outburst.

Op the second I became a mother my first priority was to my child and my husband was secondary. I loved him very much but my child was dependent on me. When my husband couldn't be accountable for himself I left with my child.

There are a few things in this. Addiction is often not the root of the problem. Often people who are prone to addiction are self medicating in some capacity to manage unresolved wounds/ trauma. If your husband is not addressing those wounds then being sober essentially just means walking around with them open, the addiction was the sticky plaster that stopped working. He needs to be in regular tailored therapy.

The second part to this is when he's storming out and then staying out until late- where is he and what is he doing during that time? Not that many adults have somewhere they can go that short notice for that length of time that's a positive place so I'd be very concerned about whether or not he actually is sober if he's disappearing like that. Most addicts relapse at some point, it's very much part of the journey and he may still be using and then staying out until he's sober enough to come home. How do you know that isn't the case? It may also mean he's regularly craving/ in slight withdrawal the rest of the time if he's not as sober as you think he is which could explain the behaviour. I'm not saying this is what it is, just that this should be on your radar.

The third thing is that you have two small children who are now in an abusive household. Irregardless of the reason why your husband is acting this way, that's your reality right now. This will be impacting on your kids and what they grow up with is the blueprint they take forward into their own relationships as they grow. So it may be that what needs to happen is that you separate completely, or stay together but he temporarily moves out until he can engage meaningfully in specialist therapy.

I understand addiction is an illness and that people can and do recover from it and I understand wanting to support your husband especially as he probably has his lovely moments too. But your duty as a mother is to your children above all else and right now they're not safe and this man is not as accountable for himself as he needs to be. If he's unable to take the actions he needs to then unfortunately you are left with no option but to respond and vote with your feet.

@StripyCarpets it is not womens responsibility to fix broken men. Op can leave whenever she thinks it's right especially since there are children in the mix.

He is an angry volatile man. You owe it to your children to leave not stay and remove them from this abusive household. Walking around on eggshells is no way to live.

Such men are highly resistant to therapy and in any case he would need years of same.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abuse is NOT a relationship issue; it is about power and control and OPs man wants absolute here over both her and her children.

You have a choice re your man OP, your children do not.

Teach them properly the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none by kicking this man to the kerb where he belongs.

" I've had enough but don't want to disrupt the kids lives by separating, potentially moving from their schools, etc. "
I think you'll find that their entire lives will be disrupted by the emotional and self-esteem damage your children will suffer if you insist they stay in a household with an angry moody parent. Moving schools is really not a big thing in comparison.

Move out, or ask him to move out. But do not hold your children in a household that includes him.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond and for the advice. There's some really useful advice here and I will speak to him and ask him to leave and sort out his issues. It's been going on for too long and I am worried about the mental damage it might have already done to the children living with this anger.

Does anyone have useful websites/resources about how to sort out the finances. We are not married but do own the house together so I would like to know what my rights are

Leave. You and your kids should not be in that environment.

I had an angry, volatile and moody father who would explode for no reasons. It made my childhood and teenage years miserable and I resented my mother for never protecting me from his random anger even when he became physically abusive.

It affected me for life and led to me distancing myself from my parents as an adult. I had life long issues with self-esteem, body dysmorphia and for a while sought abusive relationships where I unconsciously recreated familiar scenarios of abuse.

Good on you for seeing that there is a serious issue with his behaviour and seeking help to get you and your children out of this.