I have been with my partner for 5+ years. We are both older (50s).
For a few reasons, I don't have huge self confidence or particularly high self esteem. I don't really share these thoughts irl.
I live with a lot of insecurities that I'm not 'good enough' and, whilst I use all the skills I've developed to challenge this, I'm not immune to experiences that knock my confidence.
I'm posting about a specific incident but I'm happy to clarify and add detail if necessary. It's not the only thing of this nature that has happened but the comments seem to be ill considered rather than intentionally malicious.
I recently went to a local event with my partner and some friends. It was a really big deal and there were a lot of people there. As part of the event, there was a bit of karaoke.
My friend suggested we did something together for old times' sake as we used to do a lot of singing etc together for fun when we were younger. She is a professional musician/singer now. I am not. And, whilst I can carry a tune fairly well, no one is ever going to pay me to hear me sing!
I've been struggling a lot with my confidence recently for a few reasons and, as such, as I wanted to do it for a laugh and for old times sake but also so as not to let my insecurities win. I was really nervous about it and wasn't really looking forward to it at all. But I wasn't going to back out either.
As it was our turn, I stood up thinking it's OK, this'll be over in 3 mins and its not that big a deal, just have fun. It'll be fun... and my partner leant over to me and whispered, "You're up! Just make sure you take the microphone. She doesn't need any help to be heard!"
And just like that, i was floored. All I heard as I walked the 20 feet to stage was, you're just a bit shit really. She's so much better than you. And, whilst she is and I know that, I didn't need to be reminded of it by him just as I was about to put myself out there.
Instead of enjoying it, I just stood there for 3 mins thinking he's looking at me and thinking I'm shit, too quiet, too far from the microphone. Am I even in tune? When those thoughts wouldn't have entered my head otherwise. We all know what karaoke is like and we were supposed to he having a light hearted moment of silliness.
This was over a month ago and I haven't been able to bring myself to sing in front of him since. I normally sing around the house like most people do. I haven't even engaged in any conversation about the event in general in case he says something about it.
I just feel like a tiny piece of the "I'm ok" narrative I feed myself has just died. It's just chipped away another flake of confidence.
I know that won't have been his intention. I haven't spoken to him about it because I've felt too ashamed. He'd say he was just trying to be supportive. He wouldn't see (until I explained) that being supportive doesn't look like reminding someone they're a bit shit at something just as they're about to do it in feont of other people. He is often well intentioned but a bit of an emotional/verbal bull in a china shop.
I don't know whether I should speak to him.
And I don't know if it's something that sounded bad to me coming through the Not Good Enough filter or whether it was actually a dick thing thing say. Or whether it was fairly normal comment and most people would have had a different reaction/internal voice. I know it doesn't matter what other people would think/feel but it's important for me to understand other perspectives.
I just really wanted to know whether a comment like this from your partner, when you were already feeling a bit vulnerable/nervous, would have bothered you?
Is it something they'd have said?
I know it wasnt done to be malicious but it does reflect how he sees me.