I know it’s wrong to leave someone like this but..

[HowcouldIdothis]

The relationship between me and my partner of 20 years is so bad that we currently haven’t talked for over a week. He is hurt I’m done and just want out. The issue is we have 4 children who are absolutely aware of the issues.
Partner does not want to consider separation as apparently it damages the kids more than this 😵‍💫 (or that he can’t deal with the prospect of a broken family)
I have no family support or the financial means to just be able to leave.
I feel like doing what i never wanted to. Leave without the kids and travel to my mother and not come back until he agrees to consider separation.
I know it’s wrong to abandon my kids but i do not see any other way out.

Please don’t abandon your kids.

Are you married?

What is your housing situation?

Don’t just leave your children, start working on getting yourself to a financial position to leave instead.

feel like doing what i never wanted to. Leave without the kids and travel to my mother and not come back until he agrees to consider separation.
but if you do do this, then you are separated? Or are you expecting him to be the one to move out?

I’ve no advice, but in a similar situation 😔.
sending positive thoughts your way.

Don’t leave your children behind, they will never forget you walking away. Why can’t you take the children to your mother’s house?

How old are the children? What is your current housing situation? Ie do you own or rent and whose name is the property / tenancy in?

Are you on the deeds of the house?

I don’t want to abandon my children ages 8-16 but I feel if i leave, he will see i’m being serious and the kids are missing out and realise that he has to start opening up to the idea of separation.
We own a house together not married.
My mother lives abroad so taking the kids isn’t an option and who is to say I have the right to take the kids with me.
I work part time to accommodate his work so i care for the children in every way.
I would not be able to pay for the house even if he left on my own.
For any option I would need his co operation but he will not budge

In this case OP can I ask what your plan actually is?

Even if he decides to separate, you can’t afford to support yourself & your children financially, you’re not married so other than child maintenance & your share of the house equity you’re not going to get anything from him financially- what’s the plan? How are you going to live and support your children single? If you can’t afford this house when he leaves, where will you go? Paid for how? You need to be taking practical steps to improve your position before you do anything drastic on separation really.

I agree with this post. You need full time employment and max out your pension contributions, urgently.

If we sold the house there would be quite a big equity to split or i would be able to up my hours at work and possibly qualify for UC it would possibly be manageable that way

You don’t need his co-operation. File for divorce- hopefully this will show him you’re serious but if he’s still not compliant, you can ultimately get a court order to put the house on the market.

Or, how about renting the smallest cheapest property you can find near to your family home? So you can be close while the divorce is going through. Surely that would be better than leaving the country? You’ll get UC once you’re living alone.

Please don't leave the children.

Work out something - anything - but not that.

X

I have tried for the last 5+ years but i can’t live like this any more.

Filing for divorce would be the place to start. Show him you’re serious and get the ball rolling. You’ll have to instruct a solicitor if there’s a lot of equity to be settled & childcare negotiated. I’d suggest only accepting 50/50 child care as otherwise it will be really hard to work full time and cover all the school holidays and child rearing with 4. And it’s expensive, CM doesn’t begin to cover the cost of kids. Once divorce is in progress he will have to declare finances etc so it is best to get this in motion before he had the chance to conceal things.

Why do you need to abandon the children?
Is he a good father? Can he be resident parent and you up your hours and rent a flat but see them regularly?
Why does it have to be so extreme and harm your DC in the process?

Hi op would the kids be in any danger if you left them with their dad, is he a threat to them, can he take good care of them without you.

They would be fine

He would not be able to care for the children because of his work hours.
The issue here is that he is not willing to discuss separation so he is pushing me into decision that are not ideal

Not married

Look up a solicitor that gives 30 mins free advice.
X

Can’t you speak to him to get his permission to sell the house? Otherwise it means he will have to be resident parent and you rent.

I agree with pp, go full time and up pension and NI contributions.

I mean in one way you’re better off than 2 wives I knew who left their husbands and families (lived in council housing). One got a council property and a job and her youngest son either moved in with her or split time between his mum and dad’s house. The other woman I have no idea about her housing but she got jobs in pubs and cafes. Both of them basically stayed for the kids and left as soon as the youngest turned 16 or 18.

That excuse makes zero sense. How would he manage that any better with you being in another country?

Your children will never be able to understand this. If the situation is so bad you have to run away how can you ever expect them to forgive you for leaving them in it.
Put your children first.

Please, please don’t leave your children, they will never forget. I realise another solution seems beyond you atm, but the damage you will do to your children if you leave them is unimaginable. They will never quite believe you won’t leave them again if you/when you, reunite after you & your partner do separate.