I know it’s wrong to leave someone like this but..

[HowcouldIdothis]

The relationship between me and my partner of 20 years is so bad that we currently haven’t talked for over a week. He is hurt I’m done and just want out. The issue is we have 4 children who are absolutely aware of the issues.
Partner does not want to consider separation as apparently it damages the kids more than this 😵‍💫 (or that he can’t deal with the prospect of a broken family)
I have no family support or the financial means to just be able to leave.
I feel like doing what i never wanted to. Leave without the kids and travel to my mother and not come back until he agrees to consider separation.
I know it’s wrong to abandon my kids but i do not see any other way out.

If an option is to leave the country then an Option is to go full time and see a solicitor.

I’m not sure why you’d choose to put your kids in this position by leaving the country then OP?

Leaving your children to essentially teach your partner are a lesson would be awful and would really damage their trust in you forever. You say yourself they are aware, don’t give them any more trauma to get over.

I’m not sure why so much of this is up to him- you want to split, tell him that, start taking steps towards that reality.

You're not married OP, so realistically the only financial help you will receive from your partner is child support and the equity from the house. You would need to increase your hours at work and claim UC.

I suggest you seek some legal advice regarding the house. If you want to sell the house but he doesn't, I don't know if you can force his hand. To separate, you need the equity from the house. He's not going to agree to separate, so therefore to keep you in the relationship, he won't agree to a sale either.

Do not leave your children. My ex partner's ex-wife walked out on her children, and it's damaged them emotionally. It's caused anxiety and abandonment issues, amongst other things. Both have never forgiven her, and I can't say that I blame them.

You need to secretly get saving a deposit to rent somewhere for you and your children. You would entitled to us top up to help pay towards your rent. Then you can get a solicitor involved for the divorce and force the sale of the family home.

I know 2 people whose mothers did what you are contemplating (and they didn’t ego abroad). It completely f*ed them up and left deep and lasting scars. I’m sorry to say this, and it feels unfeminist, but the children’s well being is the priority.

I don't see why you should waste money on a solicitor. You are not married and it seems you have one joint asset so the split will be easy from a paperwork point of view. Don't even bother with the free half hour. All they have time to do in that half hour is take your details, make sure they are not also speaking to your partner and then listen to what your situation is. You will not get anything from that meeting that you can't get from googling.

Just get yourself in a better financial situation (you need to work full time) and check with entitled to and have a look around at what you could afford to buy with your share of the equity or what the rental situation is like.

Don't leave your kids, the current situation is shit enough for them and their lives are about to get harder before it becomes nicer.

OP, go to Citizens Advice and they will help you make a plan.
One of the joint home owners can force a sale of the house, he doesn't have to agree.
Do not leave your children behind, it could count against you if he turns nasty.

Find a rental property and contact a solicitor. Leaving your children will do them harm
and prolong things even more because this would likely be the first step you need to take anyway, and you don’t need his agreement to do it.

Lots of men leave the family house and continue to be fathers to their children and have good relationships with their kids.
Its deeply misogynistic to be guilttripping the OP when she has no other clear solution

She is talking about going abroad, not just move out of the home to a different home nearby.

so your plan is to leave the country, he'll have to quit work to care for the kids, and then he'll as gree to financially support you to remain in the house whilst he leaves so he can get a new job??

a man who was going to move abroad for an unknown period of time this not seeing his kids for an unknown time in order to force his partner into leaving the family home would not be lauded as a good father and would be ripped to shreds on MN

Do NOT leave your children. That would be devastating for them.
Find out how to force the sale of the house. Then proceed with that. Meanwhile make yourself a bedroom somewhere even if that means all the children have to bunk up.
Tell all the children that you are separating and will eventually live in separate houses but reassure them that it will be fine and you will always both be there for them. Reassure them about this everyday.
Good luck with it all. The next two years will be hard but you can do it. Other women have. If you bugger off abroad, the rest of your life will be hard because your children will be totally fucked up.

Leave your relationship but not your kids.

Get some legal advice from your local Citizen Advice Bureau for example about your financial situation and tell him the relationship is over.

Whether he agree or not is irrelevant. You are ending the relationship.

You can claim benefits if you need to and he will have to pay child support. If you own the house jointly it will have to be sold.

Personally I would tell him to leave the house and stay with his family while the legal aspect is sorted.

Do you need to step away to family to have a break or to excape him.
Surely uc is available to you? I am unaware of the Uk help.
Never stay in a shitty relationship because you do not have to with children or not.
People are suggesting citizens advice...can you call them or visit?
Could a member of your family come over to help you?.

You do not need his permission to leave the relationship.

You do not need his permission to sell the house and take your share.

Your children are already living in a broken home. It is toxic and abusive (not speaking for a week) and very much broken.

You need to look at your finances and ability to work then speak with Citizens Advice.

Apply for UC right now as a single parent. You do not need to be living separately. Get a UC advance and use it to pay a deposit to rent elsewhere. As soon as you are out of the house with the kids apply for CM. Then get a solicitor to force the sale of your house. UC will disregard the proceeds of the sale for 6 months.

Stop asking and tell him that the relationship is over, you are separating and the house will be sold.

Move out of the main bedroom and don't cook or clean for him. He goes on an information diet as well. From now on, he is your room mate.

Then focus on getting the house ready for sale. Get estate agents round to estimate a sale price etc.

Look at full time jobs to help fund your new start.

Warn him if he drags his feet or makes it harder in any way, you will go straight to court to force the sale and will claim costs from his share anyway.

Be on your guard. Some men can turn into monsters. Keep yourself safe. Involve Police if he threatens you in any way.

Rent a small house as cheaply as you can. Sleep in the living room and give the bedrooms to the kids.

Also get support from women’s aid to leave as your partner is emotionally abusive.

Get out of the house as soon as you can OP. If you have to take the kids to a hotel and then register as homeless with your local council.

Move into one of the kids rooms or sleep on the sofa / turn the dining room into a bedroom.
Start getting EAs round.
Get the house on the market

Dont fuck off to another country and leave your kids who are in the middle of secondary education and exams.

I wish people would read the OP’s posts. She can’t divorce him as they’re not married.

Don't leave your kids, they will never forget it and your husband could use it against you to make them favour him!
You need to have a serious talk with him and work out an exit strategy for the both of you. Apply for a divorce, he will know that you're serious then!

I don't think abandoning your children should be an option worthy of any consideration. Really?

@HowcouldIdothis

You are not married, but jointly own the house, yes?

So, I'm not in the UK, but here if you jointly own a house with a non-spouse you can to go court to force either a sale or for the other party to buy you out. My son's GF is going through this right now with a house she jointly bought w/ a friend.

So, see a solicitor about if or how you can force a sale of the house. If nothing else, maybe that will show him how serious you are about splitting up.

I'd advise against going to your mum's. What are you going to do if that doesn't work? Stay there without your children permanently or come back to the house with your tail between your legs? Neither is a very attractive option and doesn't accomplish a thing.

Never make a decision or take an action without seriously considering the consequences. Do you really think that going to your mum's without your children will convince him if he doesn't want to be convinced? It won't, because he'll know that you won't leave your children forever.