Online Dating Safe or too Cautious?

[Fuzzybumblegirl]

I’m looking for honest opinions from women because I’m really struggling with this.
I’m 56 and met a man on Bumble. We messaged and exchanged voice notes every day for 7 weeks. We had great chemistry, flirted a lot, and I flew from England to Germany to meet him.
The original plan was that after dinner we’d go back to his house for the weekend. However, the day before I arrived I got last-minute nerves. I’d never actually met him in person and felt more comfortable keeping my hotel for the first night, then deciding after our date if I wanted to stay with him.
He was extremely upset that I’d changed the plan at the last minute. He said I’d broken his trust and that he doesn’t compromise. We still spent the day together, had amazing chemistry and sex, but afterwards he couldn’t get past the change of plan and ended things.
There were a couple of other things that upset me too. One night I fell asleep and didn’t send my usual “goodnight, sweet dreams, kisses” message. At around 2am he also accused me of being on Bumble in Frankfurt talking to other men because he’d seen me online, when I genuinely wasn’t looking to meet anyone else.
I’m devastated because I really liked him and keep blaming myself. I know changing the plan at the last minute wasn’t ideal, and I wish I’d told him earlier.
My question is this: would you have gone straight to a man you’ve never met before and stayed at his house for the whole weekend after 7 weeks of messaging and voice notes? Or would you have wanted the security of your own hotel for the first night?
Please be honest. I want to learn from this, whether that means I handled it badly or whether my boundary was reasonable.

Bluntly you were crazy to fly to Germany to meet someone off a dating site. You took a huge risk, be thankful you’re safe.

My tips. Don’t waste your time messaging for long. You can never know anything much about someone until you actually meet. Arrange to meet someone just for a coffee in a public place. Tell someone exactly where you are going and get them to check on you. Stay local.

He sounds mad and horrible.
Write your boundaries down and stick to them.
I am terrible at standing up for what I want so I find writing it down very helpful.
Don’t be bullied by men.
I think you have had a lucky escape from this one. Controlling and jealous. Yuck.

I travel a lot for my job, and having a relationship abroad is ok for me.
I just didn’t want to stay at his home for the weekend and he was very upset when I got there and suggested I had a hotel.
I am shocked at myself and him.
I met him and he couldn’t forgive me for the change.

Writing it down what a good plan thanks as I was swept away by his good looks and reliability ahead of the meeting.

This.

In spades.

This and if he was that interested he flies to you and you date him but he says in a hotel.

When I met my husband, he knew what town I lived in but not much else not a surname nothing. He always suggested dates near to me and never ever suggested coming to my house. It was a slow burn, he paid his way. First date he got me a cup of tea and second date I got the entry and he paid for lunch and from then on we alternated. woman are raped, murdered and assaulted every day. In a foreign country in a foreign language I think you had a narrow escape.

You’ve missed the point. Meeting someone miles from home puts you at risk. You need a friend to know exactly where you are and who can check you are safe.

Also a first meeting should be a quick coffee, as the chances are very high that you won’t hit it off. Flying somewhere for a meeting in the expectation of a relationship is completely nuts.

I don’t think you were cautious enough, and it’s worrying that you’re questioning yourself over this.

Of course you had the right to change the plan last minute/on the spot if you wanted to, and any half decent man would have totally understood that and wanted you to feel comfortable

You’ve been hugely cavalier regarding your safety from start to finish, and the one remotely sensible thing you did do, you’re allowing this man child to make you feel like that was the thing you did wrong? What is wrong with your self esteem that you’re not seeing that this is not a good man?

He was extremely upset that I’d changed the plan at the last minute. He said I’d broken his trust and that he doesn’t compromise So what if he’s upset? The only thing that matters is that you’re safe. He cares more about his hurt feelings than he does about you feeling safe and comfortable. Does that not tell you that there is something seriously wrong with him? Good men do not do this.

We still spent the day together, had amazing chemistry and sex, but afterwards he couldn’t get past the change of plan and ended things Funny how he decided he couldn’t get past the change of plan after you’d had sex with him. He’s a user.

There were a couple of other things that upset me too. One night I fell asleep and didn’t send my usual “goodnight, sweet dreams, kisses” message. At around 2am he also accused me of being on Bumble in Frankfurt talking to other men because he’d seen me online, when I genuinely wasn’t looking to meet anyone else If he’s accusing you of meeting other men within hours of meeting you for the first time, can you imagine how controlling and paranoid he’d be when he was no longer on his best behaviour?

I’m devastated because I really liked him and keep blaming myself. I know changing the plan at the last minute wasn’t ideal, and I wish I’d told him earlier Sweetheart, I mean this with kindness, but you didn’t know him. All you knew was the image he was projecting. Him having sex with you, knowing he was about to dump you, and accusing you of talking to other men is the real him. And he is not a good man. And changing the plan was the only sensible thing you did.

My question is this: would you have gone straight to a man you’ve never met before and stayed at his house for the whole weekend after 7 weeks of messaging and voice notes? Fuck no! Being charming on line is easy. That doesn’t always translate into real life.

Please be honest. I want to learn from this, whether that means I handled it badly or whether my boundary was reasonable You did handle it badly, but not for the reasons you think. The second he showed any irritation that you were putting your safety first, THAT’S when you should have run. It should never have got to the stage where he’s accusing you of meeting other men. You should never have agreed to stay at his home. Even if you were convinced he wasn’t a serial killer, what if you hadn’t fancied him in person, or there was no chemistry? You would have been trapped there, potentially with him pressuring you to go further than you were comfortable with.

No reasonable person would be upset that you had a hotel booked as well.

What if there was no chemistry when you met or if he had catfished you? It could have ended up with you stuck with nowhere to stay.

I note his offence and hurt didn't stop him shagging you at the time.

I think he's just using this as an excuse to have a go at you. You're better off out of it.

If he was a good man, he'd want you to be comfortable, safe and have a fallback option.

Always bad news when blokes act like you should trust them blindly, while they're not taking any risk or putting in any effort themselves.

I am the same age as you and you were crazy to do have done thus you know nothing g about him, , his red flags are flying high. Texting for a week or so and arrange to meet somewhere open, a short first date coffee or similar. Don’t give too much info about yourself too.

Wether you travel a lot or are happy to have a relationship abroad, travelling to another country to meet a man for the first time is CRAZY.

And he clearly is an utter bellend too. This doesn’t even sound like dating though - sounds like a hook up.

Sounds like you had a lucky escape. He sounds absolutely mental (and probably an abusive control freak) for ending things because you wanted the security of your own hotel. That’s completely normal and he should have understood. No way in the world would I fly anywhere to meet anyone I’d only interacted with online. You cannot possibly know or trust anyone you’ve only known online. I wouldn’t see anyone as ‘real’ until I’d met them in person and that first meeting would be a drink or coffee or whatever with my own home to go back to after (or if it goes that way and you end up at their place then fine) but you can’t make that decision until you’ve met them in person. You need to keep yourself safe, don’t plan to stay at someone’s house you’ve never met, no matter how invested you feel after messaging. They do not exist in your life until you’ve met them in person

In the early stages I said about a hotel and he seemed to accept that then he started assuming I would be staying at his house.
As I flew to Germany I got scared and told him I would keep my hotel for the first night. He said he had not doubt we would get along and the bigger worry was what happened next so I didn’t need a hotel.
After it happened he said I was the second woman to do this and the last one he never met at all.
He said it was all my fault I should have said 2 weeks prior and I was treating him like a stranger from a bar not a man I had voice noted and text for 7 weeks.
What I don’t understand is we ended up in my hotel room anyway and stupidly had sex so what would he want to have done in his home differently???
I know I made a huge mistake I agree and your comments are helping rid me of the self sabotage, I always do this to myself. Thankyou so much everyone.

Omg he sounds utterly mad.

Honestly I think 99% of men online in this country are weird even if you don’t know it yet, they normally turn out to be, flying to meet a man you don’t know is crazy, and he was!

Speaking to someone online means nothing, you do not know them at all until you judge them for yourself in person, no matter how many days/weeks of voice notes/video calls. I wouldn’t sleep with a guy on a first date out of safety, even if he seems ok, women have been murdered by online dates.

I don't think flying to Germany is that crazy. It's not that much difference to travelling to a different city within the UK. It's not like Australia distance crazy, or place with terrible human & women's rights crazy.

And if you are open to international dating and long-distance relationships, meeting up has to happen at some point and better sooner than later. (We've got people saying "meet fast!" etc at the same time 😁)

I think it would be fine if you're a confident traveller and won't make yourself dependent on a date for transport or accommodation, and would be happy sightseeing etc on your own if the meet wasn't good.

Obviously the moment the guy starts trying to talk you out of your safety net, then you ditch. But I don't think the very idea of meeting was crazy.

Preferable that he'd do the traveling and take some of the risk of things going wrong on the first meeting tho.

It’s absolutely crazy for two reasons.

Firstly, you need a friend to know where you are and is able to physically check up on you. This is obviously impossible if you’ve travelled to another country.

Secondly, there is a very high possibility that you would be wasting a lot of time and money expecting something to work out after only exchanging texts.

At best, he lacks empathy; at worst, he is controlling.
And for all his posturing, he still managed to have sex with you.
How very hard-done-by he is. World's tiniest violin.

I was treating him like a stranger

Which is exactly what he is.

Another one here who doesn't think its crazy to travel for a date. However most blokes would be absolutely fine with your change of plans.

I would never have agreed to spend the weekend at his house having never met him before! That's insane imo. If you're going to do online dating, it's sensible to a) meet in a public place for at least the first few times b) let someone know where you're going and who you'll be with c) don't give out your address to any new dates until you have got to know them

Any man who pushes these boundaries is not to be trusted. If your german man couldn't understand your reluctance, he's not emotionally intelligent and you've had a lucky escape.

You were absolutely insane to even consider flying to Germany to spend the weekend at the house of a man you’d never met.

Surely, surely you can see what a terrible idea that was? Can you also not see that a decent man would not expect that of you? Any decent man would completely understand that he shouldn’t put that expectation on you.

He was a dangerously controlling, manipulative individual and you have had a very, very lucky escape.

Travelling is fine. But agreeing, before she’d ever met him to stay at his home, was absolutely insane. So was continuing the date and sleeping with him after he’d kicked off about the change of plan.

SO many red flags.