Online Dating Safe or too Cautious?

[Fuzzybumblegirl]

I’m looking for honest opinions from women because I’m really struggling with this.
I’m 56 and met a man on Bumble. We messaged and exchanged voice notes every day for 7 weeks. We had great chemistry, flirted a lot, and I flew from England to Germany to meet him.
The original plan was that after dinner we’d go back to his house for the weekend. However, the day before I arrived I got last-minute nerves. I’d never actually met him in person and felt more comfortable keeping my hotel for the first night, then deciding after our date if I wanted to stay with him.
He was extremely upset that I’d changed the plan at the last minute. He said I’d broken his trust and that he doesn’t compromise. We still spent the day together, had amazing chemistry and sex, but afterwards he couldn’t get past the change of plan and ended things.
There were a couple of other things that upset me too. One night I fell asleep and didn’t send my usual “goodnight, sweet dreams, kisses” message. At around 2am he also accused me of being on Bumble in Frankfurt talking to other men because he’d seen me online, when I genuinely wasn’t looking to meet anyone else.
I’m devastated because I really liked him and keep blaming myself. I know changing the plan at the last minute wasn’t ideal, and I wish I’d told him earlier.
My question is this: would you have gone straight to a man you’ve never met before and stayed at his house for the whole weekend after 7 weeks of messaging and voice notes? Or would you have wanted the security of your own hotel for the first night?
Please be honest. I want to learn from this, whether that means I handled it badly or whether my boundary was reasonable.

Personally I think this Firstly, you need a friend to know where you are and is able to physically check up on you. This is obviously impossible if you’ve travelled to another country is overly cautious.

I do agree that saying you would stay at his before you've met does seem a bit odd.

I've been good friends (entirely platonic) for 20 years with a woman I met on a forum for teachers. We messaged a lot, chatted on the phone and then she drove down (about 200 miles) to my city for the weekend. She stayed in a hotel and we met there and then went out for dinner (the rest of the weekend, she visited family). Subsequently, she's stayed with my partner and me quite often at our home.

The point is, even though we were pretty sure about each other (I was a headteacher and she could see my photo on the school website so knew it was me who turned up!), we were cautious. We didn't know if we'd get on so well in person, so her staying with us might not have gone well.

When meeting a man - you're old enough to know it's a much, much bigger risk. Take note of the advice you've been given in future and PROTECT yourself.

Your first reason rules out ever dating anyone more than a few miles out of your own area. Which is ludicrous. A safe call is a fine idea, but you don't need someone to physically check on you.

Going to another country or travelling to somewhere outside your area is fine if you wish to, and not a waste if you'd be happy to sightsee or have a break on your own if the meeting doesn't work out.

I’m a veteran of internet dating. You can’t be too careful.

You may need someone available to physically check on you if things go tits up.

Travelling to another country to meet someone is crazy because if things turn nasty, you are completely on your own. Why aren’t you seeing this?

I am another who doesn't think travelling to Germany to meet someone is ridiculously crazy. Actually exactly how I met my husband.

Aside from that though, there are a million other red flags here. Getting upset at you for wanting to keep your hotel room being the major one!

Many people don't have someone to physically check on them, even if they are meeting in the same country.

I didn't have any close friends or family within 6 hours of where I lived, but I still dated. As long as you follow basic rules, like meeting in a public place, not getting drunk, keeping your phone on you, and so on, then I think it's fine.

I'm not "seeing it" because it's excessive and impractical for a lot of people to have someone able to check on them physically at the drop of a hat.

Setting up a safe call and letting people know your whereabouts, sure, makes sense.

But saying a friend must be able to check on you in person means staying within a very limited area and time frame. It means never dating outside a small radius.

As long as you're sensible, do your research on the location and are not reliant on your date for transport or accommodation, there's no reason it can't be as safe as meeting someone in London or similar.

There are plenty of tips available on staying safe, for women doing online dating.

This advice comes up every time:

Tell a friend where you’re going -
Once you’ve arranged a date, tell a close friend or family member who you’re
meeting, and consider sharing your date’s online profle with them through
screenshots. Share the location and time of the date, including any changes made along the way. You can also plan to check in with them at a certain time during the date, or after the date is finished. This way, someone trusted will know where you are in case of emergency.

That is not the same as have someone on hand to check on you physically.

All you've described is a safe call.

I think it means someone on call to physically help you out if it’s an emergency.

What’s the point otherwise?

The point is that they can phone the authorities if needs be.

It's simply not realistic for a lot of people to only date within a few miles of a friend.

And surely Lucy turning out in her pyjamas looking for a mate on a date only puts her in danger as well. Or does she phone another friend to come looking for her if she doesn't check in? 😂

Well you must do whatever you believe keeps you safe. Good luck.