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Relationships

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Original poster

How to support my teenage son in a controlling relationship

29 replies

Thelostwanderer · 28/06/2026 18:30

My 15 soon to be 16 year old son is in his second relationship with a girl who is in my eyes extremely controlling and I have officially hit my limit.

For context I am 34 and a single mother who has legal full custody of my son. They have been together for 7 months and during this time I have seen him isolate himself completely from friends, if we attend family events the gf will cause an argument as she wants him to be at home which then puts him in a mood which has a knock on effect. Most recently he admitted to cutting his arm as they had an argument and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. But what’s tipped me over the edge today we have a break coming up for two nights to see a show and he was really looking forward to it but last night the gf said she’s going through stuff and only HE can support her and that he shouldn’t go as she needs him on the phone 24/7. Safe to say I hit the roof this morning, I told him he WILL be going and if he kicks up a fuss his phone will be confiscated.

since things have calmed he’s agreed to speak with a therapist to help deal with his emotions in a better way. But my issue here is with the GF and how to navigate this situation..I’m at a loss… I’m angry… I’m upset and I just want my happy social boy back out with his friends enjoying life.

OP posts:
impartialusername · 28/06/2026 18:36

Yes I wouldn’t be having this. I think next time you see her you need to explain her behaviour is controlling and out of order. Your son is only 15! What does he need a serious relationship for at that age he’s still a child. I think you’ve already dealt with enough especially with him saying he’s self harming. Time to step in properly now and suggest he seperate from her and try and get him away for the summer or something. Not healthy at all. Appreciate not easy with a 15 year old with his own mind but if this was a female in his position I’m sure nobody would suggest sitting back.
good luck!

impartialusername · 28/06/2026 18:37

And just to add I think you should 100% confiscate his phone whilst on this trip and advise his girlfriend the reason why so he can relax and enjoy himself

Lentilcakes · 28/06/2026 18:38

He’s 15, a child, he needs to end this relationship.
I’ve seen what control does to a person and it’s not pleasant.

2chocolateoranges · 28/06/2026 18:40

I'd be confiscating the phone and encouraging an end to this girlfriend.

Do you know her parents? can you meet with them to discuss the controlling aspect. Your ds must know this is not normal behaviour.

whippersnapper55 · 28/06/2026 18:53

Try and keep calm, you're the grown up here and you need to not do anything to inflame the situation and add to his stress.

Firstly, keep communicating with him in a calm and supportive way - tell him what you're worried about but avoid emotive expressions of disapproval about the gf (she's unhinged/crazy etc) keep it factual. If you can, gather some resources about coercive control in relationships to help you talk to him. Try and gently suggest that it would be good for him to have some time-outs when it comes to communicating with her, especially if she's blowing up his phone. Are they at the same school? You could talk to his Head of Year and express your concerns about the relationship - they may refer him to the school counsellor for support.
https://mankind.org.uk/
It might be worth contacting this organisation for some help as to how best to support your son.

ManKind Initiative

Charity supporting male victims of domestic abuse through a helpline, directory of local services and general information on the website.

https://mankind.org.uk

d317 · 28/06/2026 18:54

Explain to her that coercive control is illegal and she can go to court for it.

your son is a child and doesn’t need this in his life. He obviously isn’t happy with her is he ? He needs to ditch her and block her.

NewDogOwner · 28/06/2026 19:37

If they are in the same school, tell them. As a PP said, they can offer him advice and counselling but also keep them apart in classes and things like that.

SmugglersHaunt · 28/06/2026 19:50

She sounds vile. I’m rubbish at these things but I would try to end this. He’s a child and she needs help

Original poster
Thelostwanderer · 28/06/2026 22:34

impartialusername · 28/06/2026 18:36

Yes I wouldn’t be having this. I think next time you see her you need to explain her behaviour is controlling and out of order. Your son is only 15! What does he need a serious relationship for at that age he’s still a child. I think you’ve already dealt with enough especially with him saying he’s self harming. Time to step in properly now and suggest he seperate from her and try and get him away for the summer or something. Not healthy at all. Appreciate not easy with a 15 year old with his own mind but if this was a female in his position I’m sure nobody would suggest sitting back.
good luck!

Thank you for this advise, it’s great to have other opinions on this. I do completely agree with you but it really is harder said than done. I’ve made the first step with the therapist so hoping a third party will have a positive impact. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Thelostwanderer · 28/06/2026 22:38

2chocolateoranges · 28/06/2026 18:40

I'd be confiscating the phone and encouraging an end to this girlfriend.

Do you know her parents? can you meet with them to discuss the controlling aspect. Your ds must know this is not normal behaviour.

Thank you for your reply. I have met the mother and there was something off I can’t explain it, we parent very differently and don’t feel comfortable approaching her right now. But I also don’t want to go straight to the daughter as if it was the other way around I wouldn’t be happy with that. It’s a tough one!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thelostwanderer · 28/06/2026 22:43

whippersnapper55 · 28/06/2026 18:53

Try and keep calm, you're the grown up here and you need to not do anything to inflame the situation and add to his stress.

Firstly, keep communicating with him in a calm and supportive way - tell him what you're worried about but avoid emotive expressions of disapproval about the gf (she's unhinged/crazy etc) keep it factual. If you can, gather some resources about coercive control in relationships to help you talk to him. Try and gently suggest that it would be good for him to have some time-outs when it comes to communicating with her, especially if she's blowing up his phone. Are they at the same school? You could talk to his Head of Year and express your concerns about the relationship - they may refer him to the school counsellor for support.
https://mankind.org.uk/
It might be worth contacting this organisation for some help as to how best to support your son.

Thank you for your reply, I have read up on how to approach it and went the complete opposite due to heightened emotions because I care and I’m extremely frustrated. I do need to remember I’m the adult but setting these boundaries I find so difficult to do. He has just finished school and they are going to different colleges which is great. I’m hoping that things will fizzle out sooner rather than later! Thanks again

OP posts:
Original poster
Thelostwanderer · 28/06/2026 22:46

d317 · 28/06/2026 18:54

Explain to her that coercive control is illegal and she can go to court for it.

your son is a child and doesn’t need this in his life. He obviously isn’t happy with her is he ? He needs to ditch her and block her.

Thank you for your reply. The thing is he is completely in love with her and he knows the behaviour is wrong but he will defend it as he knows she doesn’t have support from her family. I believe she uses her manipulation tactics to make him feel such guilt he doesn’t know how to cope with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thelostwanderer · 28/06/2026 22:48

NewDogOwner · 28/06/2026 19:37

If they are in the same school, tell them. As a PP said, they can offer him advice and counselling but also keep them apart in classes and things like that.

Thank you for your reply, he’s no longer in school and I know they are going to different colleges and also live miles from each other so I’m really hoping it will fizzle out soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thelostwanderer · 28/06/2026 22:50

SmugglersHaunt · 28/06/2026 19:50

She sounds vile. I’m rubbish at these things but I would try to end this. He’s a child and she needs help

Thank you for your reply. He is just a child and breaks my heart to see him so isolated at such a young age

OP posts:
dubious21 · 28/06/2026 22:54

I could have written your exact post last year, I feel for you, it’s a really difficult situation and I just didn’t know how to help my son navigate it. The thing that worked for him was weekly therapy - his wonderful counsellor gave him space to talk about his situation without fear of upsetting anyone and eventually he found the courage to end the relationship - at the time I thought he would be stuck forever but he’s flourishing now - there is hope xx

Original poster
Thelostwanderer · 29/06/2026 10:37

dubious21 · 28/06/2026 22:54

I could have written your exact post last year, I feel for you, it’s a really difficult situation and I just didn’t know how to help my son navigate it. The thing that worked for him was weekly therapy - his wonderful counsellor gave him space to talk about his situation without fear of upsetting anyone and eventually he found the courage to end the relationship - at the time I thought he would be stuck forever but he’s flourishing now - there is hope xx

Aww thank you for this. It’s always nice in a way to hear someone else that has been through similar. I’m really glad things have worked out for you both that’s great news 😊 I have found him a therapist and will hopefully be starting this week. Thanks again for your reply it means a lot!

OP posts:
whippersnapper55 · 29/06/2026 10:47

Thelostwanderer · 28/06/2026 22:43

Thank you for your reply, I have read up on how to approach it and went the complete opposite due to heightened emotions because I care and I’m extremely frustrated. I do need to remember I’m the adult but setting these boundaries I find so difficult to do. He has just finished school and they are going to different colleges which is great. I’m hoping that things will fizzle out sooner rather than later! Thanks again

Show quote history

Completely understand the frustration and it's really hard to keep your cool when you're so worried and stressed out! The worry is that parental disapproval can push them closer together, you're the adult but you're also human and navigating new territory here!

It's great that they're going to different colleges, he will make new friends and it will hopefully create a bit of distance between them. Try and keep him busy this summer - a summer job, hobbies, camping trips away with you, anything to give him a bit of space from her. I hope the counselling will help him 🙏

fiorentina · 29/06/2026 10:53

You have my sympathies as my DS was in a similar relationship. His GF had a v tricky background which made it hard and didn’t have many friends so was hugely reliant on him. We welcomed her in our home and tried to be supportive but I had many very direct conversations with him and felt an absolute sense of relief when they broke up, as did his friends. Now he sees how it was toxic. Hopefully the counselling will help your son. Hopefully they also split up soon, I was loathe to outright tell him to
dump her but did mention it wasn’t healthy many times.

Original poster
Thelostwanderer · 29/06/2026 11:04

whippersnapper55 · 29/06/2026 10:47

Completely understand the frustration and it's really hard to keep your cool when you're so worried and stressed out! The worry is that parental disapproval can push them closer together, you're the adult but you're also human and navigating new territory here!

It's great that they're going to different colleges, he will make new friends and it will hopefully create a bit of distance between them. Try and keep him busy this summer - a summer job, hobbies, camping trips away with you, anything to give him a bit of space from her. I hope the counselling will help him 🙏

Show quote history

Absolutely! This is really great advise. If only children didn’t have access to phones it would make life a lot easier!
hopefully having his first therapy session his week. I really do think a third party may be able to get through to him! Here’s hoping 🤞

OP posts:
OMGDidYouSayThat · 29/06/2026 11:10

It seems to be a major problem right now, but not sure what the trigger is, whether social media has an impact, or whether it’s just a lack of understanding about how relationships work, what i do know is that kids think that we as parents haven’t been through any of the problems they face, we can’t possibly know anything about what they are going through and unfortunately they are far more likely to take advice from people their own age.

I feel your pain and the only advice i can offer is to try and keep it together the best you can because getting angry with teens just drives them further away, keep a close eye on their social media etc to spot any worrying signs (but make sure you don’t get caught) and just be there to pick up the pieces without saying i told you so. I’ve been here several times before, it seems that teens these days for some reason are way too over obsessed, i have no idea why.

I’m still having similar issues even today so unfortunately i have no magic wand solution, i hope the issue resolves itself soon though, as i know exactly what you’re going through.

Beachtastic · 29/06/2026 11:23

I wonder if he could be persuaded to watch this?

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p0700912/abused-by-my-girlfriend

Original poster
Thelostwanderer · 29/06/2026 14:35

fiorentina · 29/06/2026 10:53

You have my sympathies as my DS was in a similar relationship. His GF had a v tricky background which made it hard and didn’t have many friends so was hugely reliant on him. We welcomed her in our home and tried to be supportive but I had many very direct conversations with him and felt an absolute sense of relief when they broke up, as did his friends. Now he sees how it was toxic. Hopefully the counselling will help your son. Hopefully they also split up soon, I was loathe to outright tell him to
dump her but did mention it wasn’t healthy many times.

Your experience sounds very similar to mine. I’m really glad you are on the other side of it now and gives me a glimmer of hope that it will fizzle out eventually! Thank you so much for your reply it’s much appreciated 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Thelostwanderer · 29/06/2026 14:37

Beachtastic · 29/06/2026 11:23

I wonder if he could be persuaded to watch this?

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p0700912/abused-by-my-girlfriend

Thank you for the link. I’ve actually watched this myself but feel it’s too much for him at such a young age. Even though I’m pretty sure he watches far worse!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thelostwanderer · 29/06/2026 14:41

OMGDidYouSayThat · 29/06/2026 11:10

It seems to be a major problem right now, but not sure what the trigger is, whether social media has an impact, or whether it’s just a lack of understanding about how relationships work, what i do know is that kids think that we as parents haven’t been through any of the problems they face, we can’t possibly know anything about what they are going through and unfortunately they are far more likely to take advice from people their own age.

I feel your pain and the only advice i can offer is to try and keep it together the best you can because getting angry with teens just drives them further away, keep a close eye on their social media etc to spot any worrying signs (but make sure you don’t get caught) and just be there to pick up the pieces without saying i told you so. I’ve been here several times before, it seems that teens these days for some reason are way too over obsessed, i have no idea why.

I’m still having similar issues even today so unfortunately i have no magic wand solution, i hope the issue resolves itself soon though, as i know exactly what you’re going through.

Thank you so much for the advise! Sorry to hear you’re going through things too.
you’re absolutely spot on though I have been through it all myself but all you get is “you just don’t understand” and I’m like yes I really really do understand!
it’s so difficult to navigate and as parents we just want to keep them safe but also have to let them make mistakes to learn from them.
i knew parenting would be challenging but my god it’s way past that 😢 thanks again!

OP posts:
OMGDidYouSayThat · 29/06/2026 14:47

Thelostwanderer · 29/06/2026 14:41

Thank you so much for the advise! Sorry to hear you’re going through things too.
you’re absolutely spot on though I have been through it all myself but all you get is “you just don’t understand” and I’m like yes I really really do understand!
it’s so difficult to navigate and as parents we just want to keep them safe but also have to let them make mistakes to learn from them.
i knew parenting would be challenging but my god it’s way past that 😢 thanks again!

Show quote history

Thanks @Thelostwanderer i don’t think we could have seen it coming, it’s only really been the last decade where this weird obsessive behaviour has become the norm. You are spot on, it’s about keeping our kids safe. We do that by snooping, whether it’s right or wrong i don’t know but i’d rather know in advance if my kids where being bullied, manipulated, controlled or where having dark thoughts rather than find out when it’s too late. Keep your chin up.