End of Marriage??

[DeepZebra]

I’m not quite sure what advice I’m after but I just need to get this out there as I’m so desperately sad about what has happened this week!
For background info me & hubby have been together for 20 years and have 2 lovely children who are 16 and 19. He’s always worked full time & I went part time when we had the children! He was in the military so I was often left to look after the kids, house, dogs etc. We’ve always had a really good solid trusting relationship! 2 years ago we made the decision as a family for him to work abroad in order to earn as much money as possible, pay off the mortgage and then do some travelling & have a good retirement as both children will be at uni or working by then!
Last week he went into hospital in the country where he now works with heart problems! He’s had a couple of procedures for this issue and has been quite low and tired! Suddenly this week he’s said he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me! Says he still loves me & cares about me but isn’t sure we’re on the same path anymore!
I’m absolutely devastated!! There we were sorting out our finances and looking forwards to a nice retirement together and suddenly I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me! I’ll be 60 in a few years and never thought I’d be in this situation!
Im panicking because for the last 10 years I’ve worked part time in a basic job that I enjoy but I know those wages won’t be enough to support me! As the kids are older I guess he really has no obligation to support them! He says I can stay in the house but obviously that’s going to change as he won’t want to keep supporting me if we get divorced!
I just feel lost and the thought of moving on and trying to start again makes me sob!
if anyone’s been through this can you offer me any support or advice! I’d be so appreciative to hear from other people that there is life after divorce!! 😢

He’s had his head turned.

You need to be clever about this.

Do you have full access to the family finances?

In the country where he now works?

so he’s in another country to you most of the time? How often do you see him?

Is it possible that he is just depressed. He has had significant health scare and is maybe worried about what is next and ‘is this it?’

I think you need to sit down together and find out what it really is that you both want. If it has changed it doesn’t have to mean going your separate ways.

@DeepZebra This sentence stood out for me:

"There we were sorting out our finances and looking forwards to a nice retirement together"

It's always a risk to have a nice, safe future mapped out in your head, because there are never any guarantees. It sounds as if your husband has had some genuine health problems which, if he's the age I think he is, can be quite frightening. Also, he might not be on the same page as you regarding the next ten years of your lives together.

Another poster has suggested there's another woman involved ("He's had his head turned"). That's possible but no the only explanation.

I think you and he need an open and frank conversation. The other side of that conversation might not be what you've always envisaged, but that doesn't mean it'll be bad.

This sounds like the script op. I'd bet money on there being another woman.
Get all your ducks in a row now.
I've been there and am there again so I know how you're feeling and how awful it all is. Make sure you are taking care of yourself and have support.

A sudden health scare can certainly lead to people reassessing what they want from life.

Given he is in another country, it's hard to know who he is in contact with outside of employment.

Don't make any declarations until your H has told you about definite changes.

Is he worried that he can no longer do his job due his health, no longer able to earn a good wage and feels like he can't live up to your (perceived) expectations?

Have you asked if there is another woman?

He's met someone

It's possible that he's re-evaluated his entire life. What with the health scare and the sense of freedom being abroad and away from "family life". It's also highly probable that's he's met someone else, or at least had his head turned. I believe he'd still have to support the kids up to the age of 20 if they are still taking A levels or equivalent. You'll also be entitled to half of his pension and any other assets and he's said you can stay in the house. You need to see a solicitor OP.

Yes I'd agree with this. A few years ago I had sepsis and was very ill it got caught just in time before I went into septic shock. The recovery period became a time of reassessment for me and of what was really important. I'm wondering if this is the same for him, possibly so.
He may decide that he wants to do something different with his life to protect the time he has left which may mean a change of career etc.

Did you fly out to see him post hospital admittance?

That sounds frightening @fetchacloth Are you fully recovered now?

I comprehend why an affair is often the first suggestion when members write about their relationship status suddenly changing. It seems possible there are other reasons driving the desire for change here tho'

@DeepZebra I hope your H treats you decently even as things change. Please don't assume he will tho; MN has many threads about STBXH's who claim one stance then act in the opposite way.

Perhaps the health scare has given him perspective as to why he is working himself to the detriment of his health if not an early grave taking on the burden and responsibility of being the main earner?
It doesn’t always means he’s having/had an affair? Perhaps the “different path” is that maybe he’s realised that actually for the last 2 decades he’s worked hard to support everyone else - working away for long stretches etc when maybe he doesn’t want that anymore and actually he doesn’t want everything he has earned to pay for a house he has barely lived in for 20 years? Personally … 2 years ago with the age your children are I’d have been encouraging him not to go and enjoy the kids whilst they still lived at home…but then I suppose when someone else is enabling you to work part time, paying all the bills and going to pay for your travel and retirement there isn’t much incentive to say “you know what you’ve done enough we don’t need you to chase that kind of money” ?

@Meteorite87 it was scary but I did make a full recovery after a few months. When I thought that i might not come back from this sudden illness I wondered what I'd be left with. I saw it as a second chance and not take so much for granted and this strengthened my relationship with my partner. Hopefully this may be the outcome for the OP also 🙏

@fetchacloth That you are fully recovered is very good to read.

Way to bring something positive out of a terrible experience. More power to you!

Your husband has been in the military for a large proportion of your relationship, so he's been away for long stretches. I'm assuming he came out the military, and decided to take a civilian job abroad, to earn more money? He's not actually used to being at home, spending time with you/your children and general family life. He's only been used to short bursts of it.

He's been unwell in hospital, and may be the reality is dawning on him, that he can't stay working away forever. Perhaps he's realising he can't work in the same job, due to health? Could he be struggling with the thought of having to be at home more? I know that sounds crazy, but often military personnel struggle with 'normal' life.

I think you need a conversation with your husband regarding how he's feeling. Of course, there's always a possibility that he's had his head turned by another woman too.

Is this the op who didn’t like that her husband’s bosses wife complimented his clothes sense?

No, that was the poster’s sister on the previous thread…nothing to do with this one. And quite a leap here 🤦‍♀️

I would say the majority of the finances but I don’t know if he’s squirrelling away money elsewhere!! He’s pretty open about finances and we have joint accounts!

Heart issues are deeply scary and can also trigger depression.

Someone asked upthread OP if you'd been to see him. I don't want to speculate but I think I'd feel pretty unhappy if I was in hospital with heart issues overseas and my partner wasn't at my bedside.

Is it possible that your cosy view of your future together is not being backed up by your current level of support for him?

Other explanations are possible but I'd like more info on this first.

I think the suggestion of another woman is a possibility, but given your particular circumstances I have my doubts and think it more unlikely.

It's the sudden health scare and the imminent reality of being at home with you full time for retirement and not having his freedom. You have been his safety net and his comfortable home life which is great with that lifestyle, but he's now got opportunities and freedom without the risks he's had.

Basically you no longer serve a useful purpose in his life and you are more likely to be what he sees as a chain to a life he doesn't want. He doesn't want the retirement and lifestyle you do.

You have probably always looked for to and dreamt of this idealistic retirement together. Whilst his life has been about the here and now and the convenience of having you at home. He doesn't see retirement with you as something he has looked forward too.

Yeah there may be a woman as part of this, but I think the other two points are the driving forces first and possibly led him to seeking something else or someone else.

The adjustment from leaving the forces is such a huge one.

I feel for you, but you really need to see a lawyer and work out you practical issues asap because whatever he says now, you can't guarantee will stay as they are and you need to look after you now.

You said it better than me but this is what I was trying to say in my post! I think what the OP is looking forward to in retirement, is far from what her husband is looking for.

What a shit show sorry you are going through this
if you sold could you buy your own place?

Divorce him, take half of the house, half of his military pension and keep your kids in education for as long as you can so he has to pay maintenance, not ideal to have to start again at 60 as you say but maybe spend some time on your own, with the kids, you might decide that you don't even need a man around.

That is of course, unless he has had a brain fart due to his illness and actually wants to figure things out...