Is this financial split in our marriage fair or unreasonable?

[Colourfulcushion]

I just want to know your thoughts on this in a marriage .

Person A has 2 children,living at home ( teen and pre teen ) . Works 40 hour week . Lots of debt that has been taken to simply get through hard times that Person B went through too - and also took debt from. Earns £1800 pm . After contribution to bills plus debts , children costs , petrol etc is left with minimal amount and simply feels like treading water . Currently stuck in a trap of paying around £200 pm to Klarna etc which is from birthdays , Christmas etc and I’ve then had to carry on using it as struggling to pay back . Lives in overdraft , does pretty much all housework shopping etc .

Person B is self employed , earns average £300 per day. Works long hours ( 12 hour days , long commute ) Obviously tax etc has to be counted in . Also has a small side business that can generate anywhere from £50 - £250 pw , although this isn’t guaranteed. Has older child , still pays maintenance but not daily costs etc . Does not have to pay for petrol , has a work vehicle. Goes out socialising minimum of 3 nights per week . Skips work - effectively giving up £300 - like it’s nothing. Can be very generous with gifts etc ,will sometimes fill person A car up etc . However , quite regularly reminds person B that they do not hardly contribute to the household , and has said that the house is not theirs during arguments as person b pays rent .

However - person A puts £950 towards joint bills etc from a total of £2435 . So person A is contributing 40% . Person B earns around triple that .

It sounds a weird relationship to me. For me a relationship means sharing a life. How can you share a life if one of you is significantly better off? My husband was way wealthier than me when we first met but after a few months he was just paying for everything because otherwise we wouldn’t have been able to do things together as I wouldn’t have been able to justify that level of spending. I can’t understnd how you can be married to someone but living different lives with vastly different levels of wealth. Is that not just a housemate?

Person A (you) contributes 40% to the joint household expenses whilst person B (your DH) contributes 60%. Out of a household of 4 people, you are ‘responsible’ for 75% of the expenses, DH 25%. If you’re basing your financial responsibilities on this, you’re faring far better than he is as really you should be contributing 75%. You’re under contributing by 35%, he’s over contributing by 35%.
I’m not sure why you’re struggling tbh if you contribute just under half your salary - what’s happening with the remaining £850? Also, how much do you receive in maintenance from your ex, and how much in child benefit?

He's right. He is subsiding children that aren't his. You need to apply for CM from their parent, if you're entitled to it. He's also right that you couldn't afford your lifestyle without him so he's subsidising you. I think him paying 60% for a household which houses two children which aren't his is pretty generous TBH.

Strongly disagree with the people who are saying he's good for "subsidising" your children.

He married you knowing he'd be a stepfather. When you marry, you become legally and financially entwined.

No way should one part of a married couple be better off than the other, one stressed over money and the other living comfortably.

Why would you even want that for the person you supposedly love? It's disgusting.

1. Why do you keep buying things on Klarna and get yourself further into debt? You really need to stop your shopping habit, you can't afford to buy frivolous things like presents for your children. It sucks to stop gift giving, but I'm sure your kids will benefit more from financial stability, and having a mother who isn't reliant on a man paying majority of the bills, than a new LEGO set.
2. Why do you keep accepting his invitations out when you know he'll expect you to buy something you can't afford? Stop believing him when he tells you it's "his treat". It's not. Stop going.
3. Why did you get together with this man? He clearly resents being with a woman with children, and uses your kids as a stick to beat you with. Don't you think your children pick up on his resentment? Don't you think they'll start to feel on edge and unwelcome in the home?

Person b shouldn't be paying towards persons A kids if not theirs.

So if wages were equal then person A is due to pay for 3 people.

Then work out from there due to wages split

I think person B should divorce A. Not only is he subsiding her and her kids but having to put up with her moaning about it. Id run a mile

Ok in that case if they should be financially entwined surely that should make her partly responsible for the costs of his child also seeing as he's covering costs of hers

My advice is always to dump anyone that's rolling in it while you're scraping by. You say you can't survive without him though, so keep him while you figure out how to improve your circumstances 🤷🏾‍♀️.
Just accept though that until then, he sees your children as yours, and there's no joined-up financial considerations here.

Whenever there is a situation where a woman has married a man with children from an ex, where the children live with the ex and the father pays maintenance, it’s fairly unanimous that the women should not be contributing financially to his children.

whereas on this thread, there are quite a few, including the op, who believe that once you’re married, it’s one pot.

but it seems to only apply if the children are living with you. For example, op do you see yourself financially responsible for his child? As it seems you don’t at all, but expect him to be responsible for yours.

there just seems to be two different rules.

Hmm… it’s funny how it’s always the person earning significantly less who thinks that they are entitled to the other persons earnings. I would hate to be ‘paying for everything’ to subsidise another adult. I work hard and earn well because I want to put money into investments and pensions so that I can retire early. I don’t want to be doing a stressful job in my 60s.

Fortunately, my DP earns a similar amount to me, but if we split up and I met someone who was a lower earner, I wouldn’t be sacrificing my savings and investment plans to subsidise them. Especially if we didn’t have shared children.

Sounds like you're getting a good deal. You have £850 p/m from wages (plus presumably also CB and CM) left over each month, that's a HUGE amount for spends. You need to manage your budget better and stop borrowing for things you clearly can't afford.

Minimum wage is a about £2200 a month, so if your 1800 is gross there must be scope to increase your income there?

Going out 'socialising' 3 times a week isn't going to be cheap these days. That seems a bit of a luxury when the household is struggling financially.

What did you agree on financially when getting married? If he wasn't agreeing to take on your kids jointly financially at that point then you probably shouldn't have married, as that's what's legally expected.

Check your universal credit entitlement, as you'll probably find that you'll be far better off financially if you were single. Then maybe use that as an ultimatum - either step up financially or divorce.

Or reduce spending. Most of it seems self inflicted debts

Have you checked to see if you would be better off living alone? As you may get a UC top up, discount on council tax etc.

I would like to add that no the father is not in their lives and yes maintenance is paid to me .

my husband also had a high level
of savings in the bank from a compensation payout

Why is his compensation payment relevant? Presumably that's for something that happened to HIM - are you saying you're entitled to that too?

Not sure what the female equivalent of a cocklodger is but it increasingly seems that's what you are...

Yes. Blended family, married couple. They're not separate legal or financial entities.

They're supposed to be a team, a family. So it's family money and resources go to each child as needed, and if one of the spouses is comfortable, both are comfortable.

If you want strictly divided my money, your money - don't marry. If you're not "all in" to raising stepchildren in a blended family, don't move in.

It does seem that the blokes seem to be expected to pay for the women's kids living with them though and the women are sharing the expenses for his kids going out

Not sharing

It's not unfair, and in particular he has every right to skip work and give up £300 like it's nothing if he wants to. It does sound like quite an impractical way to organise a marriage. This sort of setup makes more sense when things are very separate.

You both sound resentful, you because he could make your life easier and is choosing not to and him because he's already paying some of your DCs costs. I think that's what the drinks stunt is about. Is this going to last?

Your quoted income equates to you earning £14 per hour, so how much is the maintenance and child benefit that you're also recieving? It's a little disingenuous to say you're contributing 40% of your income when you're not also including the CMS and child benefit.

The kids are yours so you should be paying for them above your share. FWIW my salary is the same as yours and I live alone with 2 kids, I'm responsible for ALL of the bills - I contribute 100% of my salary to the household pot.

It's shit that your DH makes fun of your situation though. But he shouldn't be expected to pay over the odds for your kids as well as his own.

Does he make 300 a day as a wage? Or does he actually have the costs of running the business after that. You say he doesn’t pay for petrol & has a van. If he is self employed then he or the business has those costs.

but thats not the point, are you in debt from trying to keep up with his income?

you mention owing on Klarna for christmas & birthdays, first off stop spending money on the never never when you can’t afford it.

secondly, you have a good deal, he is paying 60% when you essentially he is one person & you are one person and. 2 1/2’s

sounds like you want him to pay the debt but that doesn’t seem to be likely to happen so now what do you propose

Married couples do not in fact have to be entirely financially entwined, and keeping separate finances, and separate financial responsibilities, separate isn’t at all unusual in blended families.

He’s already paying 60% of the household costs, including for two children that are not his dependents. He isn’t responsible for paying for them at all, so he’s already being generous there.

This, also if he’s self employed, why doesn’t he have to pay fuel costs?