Am I being used

[OneCheekySloth]

I have a good friend of over 3 years. He's always been a good friend but around November we started getting closer-I was casually dating a guy who was treating me badly and my friend was very supportive. I ended it with the guy and me and my friend got closer. I genuinely believed because of the way he was acting that he had feelings for me. One night we were drinking and he suggested we sleep together I thought this meant something but he said no he just wanted to be FWB. This isnt something I would normally do but I was vulnerable and desperate for some affection and trusted him.
Since then we've been meeting twice a week for 6 months, been on holiday, spent loads of time together. I have fallen in love with him. Then about 2 months ago we were talking and he mentioned how he had liked another friend of his (he only has women friends) this really hurt me but he said it was before me. I got really upset and said this hurts because I have feelings for you. He says he loves me and respects me but isn't in love with me and doesn't want a relationship. We have carried on sleeping together but things have changed. He talks about his other friend a lot, rarely initiates anything anymore and i'm questioning if i'm being used. He acts supportive some times but recently I have been depressed and he hasn't asked if I am ok. He isn't great with communication because he has autism and often misses out on social cues. I want to believe he genuinely does respect and love me because of our long friendship but everything seems to be on his terms and I've noticed he has this pattern of chasing women who are having relationship difficulties because he likes to feel like a hero. It's always about sex now-he's even bought all this kinky stuff to use and it's starting to feel seedy. He knows this is hurting me and yet still continues and I can't seem to find the strength to stop because I will lose my best friend and someone I love. However I am starting to resent him and this has really affected my mental health and I can't help but think even though he acts sincere he knows what he's doing but thinks its ok because he's been honest about not being in love with me.
It really hurting because I don't know what to do

Sounds like he got want he wanted and now wants the same elsewhere, i’m not saying he’s not still capable of being a good friend but you need to lay out the boundaries.

Of course you are being used. FWB only works if it works for both parties. It doesn't sound as if it works for you. What are you going to do about it?

I don't know. I think I've made excuses for him because he's autistic and doesn't always see how his words/actions can affect others.
A month ago we were so close and now it's like this. He swears he's not using me and thinks the world of me. He even broke down crying when I said we couldn't stay friends when this ends. He genuinely believed we could just carry on as friends and be with other people.

Being in a relationship with someone on the spectrum comes with challenges, i’m not saying that they aren’t capable of being in relationships but people on the spectrum can struggle to navigate life in the same way you might be able to so you have to understand their struggles and work out whether you can deal with the challenges you might face together in the future.

It sounds like he has been honest about his feelings for you (loves you but not in love) and what he thinks the relationship is (FWB). If you are continuing then isn't this on you? Maybe you should acknowledge your agency in this. And, make some decisions that protect you.

He was married for 10 years and has no trouble with dating which confuses me more.
i have ADHD and some of our behaviours are similar and I understand but I am just trying to figure out if I am being consciously used or he doesn't realise how much this is hurting me. He did say when this ends I'll be the one hurting

@OneCheekySloth He's made it clear it’s just an arrangement for sex- you blurred the lines by holidaying etc
Take sex off the menu and see if you can go back to the friendship

You really need to start protecting yourself and look after your own best interests.

Because nobody else will.

He's told you he doesn't want a relationship.

He's going on about this other woman to push you back.

Stop sleeping with him, you're only hurting and deluding yourself. You know you want more and he's said he doesn't want that. So listen.

You have a responsibility to yourself, you are not powerless.

He can only "use" you if you keep chasing him when he's already told you it's not happening.

But he was acting like a boyfriend. We had a holiday then did a holiday with our kids. Days out, cooked me food, helped with my kids and the last month just stopped

He is not using you because this is what a FWB situation is — you agree to use each other for sex while remaining just friends.

You are not being on your own side here. You are in love with him, know he doesn’t feel the same way, and are continuing with things anyway. This was always setting yourself up for heartbreak and if you continue it will only get worse. He is never going to change and decide to reciprocate your feelings. He will find someone else eventually, whether this other woman or a new one, and it will devastate you. Don’t delude yourself that you can handle him not reciprocating your feelings, you can’t. You need to get some distance for your own wellbeing. There is no middle ground in this situation.

Saying all this as someone who has been there more than once and wish I’d learned earlier.

He can only use you if you let him…

He was enjoying playing pretend with the person who happened to be there at the time. I have no doubt he genuinely likes you and enjoys your company as a friend.

When he says he’s not in love with you and doesn’t want a relationship with you then you need to believe him. Do not contort things trying to convince yourself that he doesn’t know his own mind and might actually have feelings. That is a trap that will leave you feeling like a fool.

I think you’re focusing on entirely the wrong thing here. This isn’t about him consciously using and abusing. Because whether the answer to that is yes or no it doesn’t change the fact that he has openly told you he doesn’t want a relationship and doesn’t love you.
The mere fact that you have feelings for him that are not reciprocated is proof you won’t be able to ever have a normal friendship anymore. He thinks you can but look at how this has twisted you into knots. Also I don’t think any prospective girlfriend of his would be best pleased to know he has an ex of sorts hanging around who was in love with him that he spent months having a very regular sexual relationship with.

please please look after yourself in this situation. yes he cried when you said you can’t be friends but I can guarantee that is nothing compared to how you feel being in love with someone who won’t love you back and loves another.

You can and will get through this but the first step is to break away for the sake of your own mental health. Work on YOU. You deserve someone who will love you to absolute bits and would put you before anything and anyone else just as I’m sure you would for them. If you were my best friend I’d advise to end it, block and delete. He isn’t your person, he is just in the way of you being with your person.

Youve got this x

Aw I feel for you I really do. I’ve been there and it is so hard. It’s fine for people to say that he’s told you how he feels. But his actions (ie going on holiday, emotional support, meeting kids - not typical FWB behaviours) are saying a different thing and that’s confusing.

It’s really not going to be easy and this is said with kindness - but the sooner you get out of this and start putting your needs first the better. I think him breaking down and crying is a little manipulative tbh and indicates he doesn’t care as much as you think he does about your feelings. Because if he did, he would understand that of course you can’t go back to being friends after you’ve fallen in love with him.

I’m not sure if you’re doing this but I remember hoping that my guy would realise that he was in fact in love with me - if I just stuck with him. I’d give him lots of excuses for his behaviours - autism, ADHD, difficult relationship with parents…

the bottom line is, it doesn’t really matter how we make sense of his behaviour. Pay attention to your emotions. If you’re feeling hurt and confused, be led by that. You don’t deserve for your self worth to take a bashing. You deserve to be with someone with whom you feel secure. Good luck it’s not easy

And there’s your problem. He told you very clearly it was an FWB situation from the start. You decided that wasn’t true. I agree with @fireandlightening — take some responsibility for your actions and start making choices that protect you better.

Yes he is using you. I'm not sure how much of a friend he really is to you.

He's been up front with you. He just wanted sex, a FWB, a companion of sorts. You were desperate and you've built this into something it's not. He's talking about another woman to you. He's making you feel seedy by introducing kink that it sounds like you don't enjoy.

He's not in love with you and he's not going to be. He hasn't lied, you're lying to yourself thinking this is going anywhere. It's time to split with him.

He's NOT your friend. A friend wouldn't be jerking you around like this.

Yes I've been making excuses for him. He's told me that he might change his mind in future but he doesn't know for sure so I've hung on with hope

He was honest with you from the start

Another one? You don't half pick 'em OP

I completely understand my part in this. I have let it continue because I had hope he would change his mind-he said he might in future.
i know I need to end it now because it's hurting me so much.
i think what I struggle to deal with is that he has been my friend for years and the only man i've trusted in years and before we slept together I really did believe he had feelings for me because of the way he acted.
I also don't like the fact that he does that with all his female friends-he has had a sexual connection to all of them and this has made me see the whole thing in a new light.
It's the friendship part that hurts the most.
To those who have been in this situation how did you end it?

Hes not going to change his mind.

No great romance ever started with the man having to think about it.

You need to start facing the facts.

He has always been honest with you.

You now need to decide: do you stick around and enjoy what you get when you get it, or do you make a clean break?

He told you from the start he didn't want a relationship and you still slept with him.

He then told you he was pursuing another woman and you still slept with him.

Stop sleeping with him!!

Romantic disappointment is horrible. Most of us have been there. Most of us have also been the cause of someone else's romantic disappointment. Usually I say look at a man's actions rather than his words but that is because the man is saying all the right things but his actions don't back what he's saying.

However, in this case, I think you need to listen to what he's telling you. Do NOT make excuses for him. Do NOT agree to hang around in case he changes his mind. You need to value yourself much more highly than that. My DH has many women friends but also plenty of men friends. I also have a mix of both. Frankly I think it's a bit of a red flag if a man only has female friends, particularly if he is in the habit of sleeping with them; it's like he's keeping a harem. As someone said above, it sounds like he enjoys playing at relationships because he likes the upside - companionship, sex etc - but he doesn't want the obligations that come with commitment. This guy is just going to keep breaking your heart. You need to protect yourself from that because he won't.

Cut him loose and keep him out of your life for a good long while (probably permanently). I have been with DH for years but before that I had a few relationships which ended in heartache for me; I quickly learned that I started to recover sooner if I was not in contact with my ex - in each case, seeing the man in question was too painful and I did better if I didn't.