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Relationships

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Am I being used

39 replies

OneCheekySloth · 24/06/2026 22:34

I have a good friend of over 3 years. He's always been a good friend but around November we started getting closer-I was casually dating a guy who was treating me badly and my friend was very supportive. I ended it with the guy and me and my friend got closer. I genuinely believed because of the way he was acting that he had feelings for me. One night we were drinking and he suggested we sleep together I thought this meant something but he said no he just wanted to be FWB. This isnt something I would normally do but I was vulnerable and desperate for some affection and trusted him.
Since then we've been meeting twice a week for 6 months, been on holiday, spent loads of time together. I have fallen in love with him. Then about 2 months ago we were talking and he mentioned how he had liked another friend of his (he only has women friends) this really hurt me but he said it was before me. I got really upset and said this hurts because I have feelings for you. He says he loves me and respects me but isn't in love with me and doesn't want a relationship. We have carried on sleeping together but things have changed. He talks about his other friend a lot, rarely initiates anything anymore and i'm questioning if i'm being used. He acts supportive some times but recently I have been depressed and he hasn't asked if I am ok. He isn't great with communication because he has autism and often misses out on social cues. I want to believe he genuinely does respect and love me because of our long friendship but everything seems to be on his terms and I've noticed he has this pattern of chasing women who are having relationship difficulties because he likes to feel like a hero. It's always about sex now-he's even bought all this kinky stuff to use and it's starting to feel seedy. He knows this is hurting me and yet still continues and I can't seem to find the strength to stop because I will lose my best friend and someone I love. However I am starting to resent him and this has really affected my mental health and I can't help but think even though he acts sincere he knows what he's doing but thinks its ok because he's been honest about not being in love with me.
It really hurting because I don't know what to do

OP posts:
OMGDidYouSayThat · 25/06/2026 09:09

OneCheekySloth · 25/06/2026 08:45

I completely understand my part in this. I have let it continue because I had hope he would change his mind-he said he might in future.
i know I need to end it now because it's hurting me so much.
i think what I struggle to deal with is that he has been my friend for years and the only man i've trusted in years and before we slept together I really did believe he had feelings for me because of the way he acted.
I also don't like the fact that he does that with all his female friends-he has had a sexual connection to all of them and this has made me see the whole thing in a new light.
It's the friendship part that hurts the most.
To those who have been in this situation how did you end it?

He has been having his cake, the whole cake, and eating it...

LeebLeefuhLurve · 25/06/2026 10:09

This man isn't your friend has been a wrong'un from the start.

Funny how he swooped in to offer his penis friendship when you were coming out of a bad relationship, you had been drinking and then the offer of sex comes up.

I've noticed he has this pattern of chasing women who are having relationship difficulties because he likes to feel like a hero

Or he deliberately chooses women who are vulnerable because it's easy pickings.

You need to take control of your physical and mental wellbeing here, he's not going to do it for you. Find your agency and kick this loser to the kerb.

fireandlightening · 25/06/2026 12:22

Just say "This isn't working for me, so I need to end it. See you around"! You need to get new friends and no more relationships/FWB until you've built up your self-esteem!

Goditsmemargaret · 25/06/2026 12:29

Stop thinking about what he's doing as it's pointless. You have no control over somebody else's actions.

Only think about what you're doing. Currently you're accepting scraps from someone who has told you he doesn't want what you want. It is hurting you and you - YOU NOT HIM - are willingly going along with it. You are hurting yourself.

Step away and focus on things that make you happy not sad.

It is ludicrous that you would expect him to take care with your feelings when you can't even be bothered to.

PleaseVipersHelpMe · 26/06/2026 12:15

LeebLeefuhLurve · 25/06/2026 10:09

This man isn't your friend has been a wrong'un from the start.

Funny how he swooped in to offer his penis friendship when you were coming out of a bad relationship, you had been drinking and then the offer of sex comes up.

I've noticed he has this pattern of chasing women who are having relationship difficulties because he likes to feel like a hero

Or he deliberately chooses women who are vulnerable because it's easy pickings.

You need to take control of your physical and mental wellbeing here, he's not going to do it for you. Find your agency and kick this loser to the kerb.

This.

Op please ask yourself - would you treat a friend the way he is treating you? Taking advantage of them when they are vulnerable, and not stepping back even when you can see that this is hurting them, but they are finding it hard to walk away on their own.

I know it's hard to let go, but it's the hope you have to give up, not the person. The person is demonstrating who he is very clearly if you can only allow yourself to see it. I hope you're ok.

Mangelwurzelfortea · 26/06/2026 12:39

You do know what to do: end this.

He's not a friend, you deserve better. Rip off the bandaid and move on.

OneCheekySloth · 26/06/2026 13:02

Thank you for all your replies. I appreciate them.
I know what I need to do.
Just really does hurt after such a long friendship

OP posts:
Dery · 26/06/2026 13:07

It is tough, OP, but it will hurt much more if you don’t extricate yourself from this guy - he’s a wrong-un who likes to seduce vulnerable women and is only a friend to himself. It’s significant that he has no male friends.

Ohthisheat · 26/06/2026 13:07

I don't think he is using you, OP. He has been clear that he wants to be FWB and, recently, that he's romantically interested in someone else. This is hurtful, but it is straightforward. It sounds as if you need to end the relationship and probably the friendship too, since seeing him will be painful and make it harder to move on.
As to how to end it, tell him you are ending it and arrange things so you don't see him for a long time.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 26/06/2026 13:16

Since you changed from good friends to FWB that’s where boundaries have been blurred. I agree with pp, FWB don’t go on holiday with their FWB partner’s kids and other things. It’ll be very different to return to a good friendship without the sex.

I had a sort of similar situation but it was a platonic male best friend. We were best friends 7 years, he had lots of female friends. We dated at his instigation it lasted 3 months and ended our friendship. He’s now married and tried to contact me again but I’m not interested (for other reasons) as I saw sides to him I didn’t like when dating him.

I might be being unfair to him, but autism is no excuse for his behaviour. If anything, if he’s diagnosed/medicated he should be all the more aware of how to treat friendships and relationships. It could be very easy to use someone and blame your medical condition.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 26/06/2026 13:20

OneCheekySloth · 26/06/2026 13:02

Thank you for all your replies. I appreciate them.
I know what I need to do.
Just really does hurt after such a long friendship

Read my post. I had similar too. Turned out my best friend had other manipulative behaviours in our friendship and I hate to say it, but I don’t regret losing him as a friend at all now. I was sad about it for a while. We did have good times as friends but he was confused about his feelings for me (he took me to places he only took girlfriends too and was confused when I told him this).

Zabradan · 26/06/2026 13:31

Ohthisheat · 26/06/2026 13:07

I don't think he is using you, OP. He has been clear that he wants to be FWB and, recently, that he's romantically interested in someone else. This is hurtful, but it is straightforward. It sounds as if you need to end the relationship and probably the friendship too, since seeing him will be painful and make it harder to move on.
As to how to end it, tell him you are ending it and arrange things so you don't see him for a long time.

Edited

Speaking as a man my guess is that he is almost certainly using her. Sure he might like OP to a degree, but taking everything she's mentioned into consideration he sounds like a man who deliberately targets vulnerable women that he can use for sex.

OP as hard as it may be I would suggest you cut ties with this guy and never look back. His "friendship" seems purely tactical to me, even guys who may appear sweet and innocent can have ulterior motives.

something2say · 26/06/2026 13:39

You're in what I call a half n half relationship - it meets some of your legitimate needs, like having someone there, someone to do things with, someone to be involved with, but it doesn't meet others.

I don't think it will change because most of the men I've known who adored me, did so from the outset. It did not have to grow over time; bang and the feeling was there. In this case the feeling is not there, he has said that and he is looking at other women. When he meets someone he adores, he will relegate you to 'friend.'

If this is not what you want long term, then continuing is a waste of your time and heart. And like someone else said, that is on you.

I think most of us have done this, and they have all gone the same way, and hence we can see from the outside. You have let your heart grow fond of a man who doesn't want what you want and doesn't feel the way about you that you feel about him.

How much time are you going to waste? x

The best thing to do is go no contact, stick to it, be gutted for a few months and then start feeling better and go on to meet other men. At that stage, you need a list of values and criteria, and need to guard your heart and not make excuses for men. In this way you will protect yourself, date, but not give your heart to any men other than one who adored you the moment he set eyes on you and who wants to be in the same kind of relationship that you want. x

Jinglejangle2525 · 26/06/2026 13:47

No he’s not using you because he’s told you he isn’t in love with you and doesn’t want a relationship. If you aren’t happy with that then stop sleeping with him!

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