Retirement

[Sarahthehelper]

Hi AIBU
my parents were elderly , when they became ill I dramatically cut my hours at work to look after them ( I’m a only child ) after long illness they recently both died within 5 months of each other
they left me a chunk of money and a property
this has left me financially secure for hopefully untill i claim my OAP , so I have decided to retire , I’ve asked my husband to to so also ,, he said he’s not quite ready ( fair enough he’s enjoying work ) but he’s expecting me to do everything cooking , cleaning , shopping , he think because I’m not at work it’s my job to cater to his every whim
I feel like I’ve become a full time house wife , I don’t seem to have time to enjoy my time
I contribute approx 40% to our bills holidays and evenings out AIBU

OP I retired early at 57. DH carried on working until 60 then also retired. We both wanted to go out doing things so we got a brilliant cleaner. You could do that OP. As previous poster suggested order shopping online and get it delivered to your home.

I think doing a larger share of the daily chores is different to him treating you as an unpaid servant. It is completely unreasonable of him to leave everything lying around and not pick up after himself. I would do a combination of buy help (cleaning) and expecting him to pull his weight in a ‘fair’ share (you would still do more). I would have a conversation about treating your wife with respect and then if he didn’t change, I’d be calling him back upstairs- pick up your towel / glasses whatever…Until he feels the pain there is no incentive to improve. If he still wouldn’t meet me half way I could go further - early meal before he gets home so he can order take away every night if he wants, stop doing his washing… You don’t want him treating you this way for the rest of your life so it needs sorting ASAP

Before you retired, who used to clean up after him? As in, pick up the wet towels and dirty clothes, take the used glass into the kitchen, put the wrappers into the bin?

I'm all with those saying that you can get onto the housework while he's at work, so as to get the weekends free for doing things together. But cleaning up his messes, as if he were a toddler? Nope, disrespectful. You're not his maid.

I work full time and my partner is a stay at home mum but we share the chores, seems to work for us, looking after the kids is equally as draining as being at work so it's only fair to share the load.

We’re both retired but tbh I don’t need more than an hour a day to do housework. DH does all his own washing and ironing (always has), I have groceries delivered, have a robo hoover, do sheets, floors and bathrooms once a week. I usually cook but he will cook once a week. What else is there to do?

Your DH sounds like a slob but even so how long does picking up towels and empty cups take ? He’s at work all day - how much time does he have to make mess?

I’d have a look at what you’re actually doing and take yourself out of the house for part of every day. Fit the housework into the time you have left. Oh and tell DH to pick up after himself.

Fuck that for a bunch of Sundays.

He’s not messy, he’s a disrespectful lazy pig.

Do basic chores like hoover the floors, wipe the surfaces down, do life admin, make dinner it’ll take an hour or two at most a day. Leave his shit, he can pick it up himself.

Your husband is showing utter contempt for you.

I wouldn't accept this. Did you share everything, chores etc, before? I think if you've both contributing 50:50 or thereabouts to your costs, he's wrong to ask that. If he is going to pay the lot for your both, that's different, but that doesn't sound like it's the case. Retirement is about starting a new chapter in life and getting to do the things that full-time work can curtail. It's not about servitude.

Time to put him straight on this Op, you've retired but that doesn't make you the house Elf. If he gets used to you doing everything in the house when he retires he'll go on doing nothing. if you both pay 50:50 then you being retired is immaterial

I agree with this.

Overall, YABU.
I have taken early retirement and dh is still working. It seems pretty obvious to me then that I will do the cooking / shopping / household chores as I am home all day, and we are a partnership and always have been.
As many others have said, obviously there really isn't that much to do with only the two of us living here, and him being out all day, but then I'm not married to a slob, and, had he shown signs of behaving like that any time in the last 35 years, we would have sorted it out then.

I have plenty of time during each day to do things I want to do, be that meet friends, doing something worthy or even just read a book or have a nap.

Just the same if he had retired early and I was still working, I'd expect him to have taken over all the laundry, cleaning, cooking etc. You really are being unreasonable.

Exactly. I do all the housework, laundry, shopping, dogs. Husband works own business.
I still have time to go to sewing & knitting groups (when I don’t have to look after dogs) occasionally. When at home I sew, knit, play piano, garden

This

He has no issues with the financial side of it , he’s happy to keep on providing all household expenses ,( I do contribute tho ) he’s just so messy , he has never done many household chores , but now I’m home more he’s getting worse , he is very good at decorating and diy he does the gardening , it’s possibly bothers me more as I sort his mess out on a morning , do my stuff , then as soon as he walks in theres a mess every room he goes in
I feel as though I’m always on at him

You've been given suggestions. Which are you willing to try since enabling him isn't working?

I was fortunate enought to retire some years ago, and the reset in our relationship was something we discussed before and since me leaving work. It's a massive change of life that many, including me, underestimate.

My reaction was to pick up everything around the house, chores, learn to cook (that I found I love and do pretty much it all now) so my wife can kick back when she comes home. I was 30 years full time on three shifts, so our family life revolved around that. She's still working on reduced days, enjoys her work and colleagues but is getting ready for her quitting in two years or so.

I also got more involved in hobbies I'd dropped due to working and ridiculous hours and did voluntary work and now run my own small business.

It's really not your job to 'cater for his every whim'. Frankly, he needs to get a grip and take some responsibility for his part in this really important change of life.

We're in a good balance now, but it took some time to find it, if you get my drift?

Can you talk to him about how you feel around it all? I work with other retirees and have studied what it really is to prepare business presentations around it.

It can be a hard process to work through, and I can assure you, not that it's any consolation, that you aren't alone in how you feel about it.

I wish you well, and thanks for sharing this one.

Thank you so much x

i would say he’s a good spouse , he’s always worked hard , been supportive to me , always generous, a amazing dad , will always do diy , helped me parents in there later years , never tried to tell me what to do , and never stopped me doing any thing ,
he’s just so dam messy and useless in the house

Whatever about possibly doing more than him around the house - you most definitely should NOT be cleaning up after your DH. You need to stop doing anything for him and let the mess build up and close your eyes to it - do not pick up his wet towels, at the most shove them all into a corner on the floor - eventually he will run out of fresh ones. Do not move his iPad or glasses from the bed - shove them over to his side of the bed. Let his cups and wrappers accumulate where he sits. Who goes out and orders the beers/snacks - if it’s you, then stop. Also, no not do any laundry for him.

Spend 30 minutes or so a day cleaning/tidying the house but not tidying his mess and cook a dinner in the evening, if it suits you and that is it. I’d look into taking up a hobby or class and being out of the house when he comes home from work.

Have you actually created a life for yourself since retiring? Ie do you have gym classes booked, coffee dates booked, volunteering etc etc whatever it is you want to do.

Just book up for diary a week in advance and stick to it - then come home cook dinner, do the chore but - BUT - book yourself in for the things you want to each week and prioritise those things.

That sounds just like my life, and it’s great! I do a few chores in the morning, DH took over the cooking years ago, and has a mainly home based hobby. I’ve stayed at home most of today due to the heat, and done some laundry, but I’ve a class booked for tomorrow. Seriously, how much housework is there for two adults?

I've found it a bit tricky renegotiating chores now I've retired and DH hasn't, sometimes I think it's only fair I do the bulk of things but I can get resentful at times, especially over meal planning etc as it can drive me mad. He washes up afterwards, but on the occasion I haven't cooked anything or come home late etc he'll suggest a takeaway rather than cook himself. Its complicated now both adult children also currently living at home ( also both working)
My fear is he'll try to continue this pattern once he's retired 😊

Go round with a bin liner and put everything he has dropped/abandoned into it: towels, underwear, clothes, computer stuff, tissues, dinner plate, cups etc. Put it all out for the dustmen (if you have the courage) or into shed or garage. Leave it all there. No longer your problem.