Retirement

[Sarahthehelper]

Hi AIBU
my parents were elderly , when they became ill I dramatically cut my hours at work to look after them ( I’m a only child ) after long illness they recently both died within 5 months of each other
they left me a chunk of money and a property
this has left me financially secure for hopefully untill i claim my OAP , so I have decided to retire , I’ve asked my husband to to so also ,, he said he’s not quite ready ( fair enough he’s enjoying work ) but he’s expecting me to do everything cooking , cleaning , shopping , he think because I’m not at work it’s my job to cater to his every whim
I feel like I’ve become a full time house wife , I don’t seem to have time to enjoy my time
I contribute approx 40% to our bills holidays and evenings out AIBU

Just say no.

I think I'd do the basic chores, hoovering, bathroom & kitchen, maybe an hour a day to cover the 10% differential, but then share the rest.

He cooks half the time, you cook half the time. Food shopping, admin and laundry shared.

Do you know how to say No? Because that’s what you need to do!

Personally in that situation I would do all the regular chores so that weekends are freed up for genuine shared leaisure time.

I mean really, where do you live that housework for a couple can take more than an hour or so a day? Is this a case of the task expanding to fill the time available? What is your daily routine in retirement and what is it you're not finding time for?

Similar here. I took early retirement and my husband still works as he feels he’s not ready to yet. Thankfully my husband doesn’t bother what I do (in a nice way, not through lack of interest). If your husband is working full time it’s not unreasonable for you to do day to day house stuff. I have a to do list for house stuff and aim to do two things off it each day however if they don’t get done if I’m out it’s not a big deal, they just get done next day. By doing that we have weekends free to do things together.

And similar with me. I do do plenty of stuff outside the home but do cover 90% of housework. With just the two of us, and both being tidy, it doesn’t take much time or effort. My DH is still employed and works hard, why shouldn’t I match that in a non-busting the gut way?
I see too many posts on MN about this sort of thing. Who cares if the floor isn’t washed, or the dishwasher stacked just the way they like, or the ironing not being all done. As long as it’ll get done, what’s the issue.

Hire a cleaner. Do online shopping and have it delivered. Buy a robot vacuum.

It’s not about money but time. You have it, he doesn’t. And frankly, as PP have says, how much does it take? If you cook during the week as he’s at work, he could do weekends, and/or he could do the washing up after. The rest of the stuff - how did you divide up before? Shopping is a piece of cake, laundry is easy enough. Unless he’s dropping his crap all over the house expecting you to pick up after him? Tell him you won’t be doing that!

My husband is the messiest person , he always has been he’s well known for it , I’m partly to blame because it’s mostly easier to pick up after him , but he’s got so much worse ( or seems it because I’m home more ) eg he comes home from work has a shower leaves the wet towels , and dirty clothes on floor , then he’ll lie on the bed while he checks his emails leave his glasses iPad for me to move , he then goes downstairs puts tv on and sits until dinner is ready , eats dinner then just walks away back to living room , he’ll then sit and have a beer snacks ect until bed time , then just leave glass , wrappers for me to pick up
we’ve been married 39 years and he is a very good husband and dad and grandad in every other way , I had visions of a immaculate home and coffee , shopping with friends which I’m finding hard to fit in

He wouldn’t cook ,if there was no dinner he wouldn’t complain or mind he’d just order takeaway

Hey,

He does sound like a slob.

I'm not married so you might not want to take advice from me! But I wonder about having a box where you dump all the clutter he leaves lying around. You could do laundry that has gone in the basket but if he left them anywhere else, nope, into the box it goes.

If you make a cup of tea of an evening, don't offer one to him. If he asks, 'you don't put your mugs in the dishwasher so I'm saving myself a job'.

I'd also put the kibosh on any treating you like a PA. If you're being given orders: take the car for its service, pop to the post office for me, etc. Unless he significantly ups his game.

All that said, I'd think it reasonable for you to take on the lion's share of the standard daily 'at home' chores. Just without feeling like you're being taken advantage of or treated like a maid.

Maybe I am using the extra time badly and things are taking longer ( I’m taking time to sit on mumsnet 🤣 but that’s what I imagined retirement to be

My DH managed to pick up all the household stuff when he retired before me

he still had time to enjoy his life too and take up a new hobby and a new volunteering activity

he cooked and shopped and cleaned and did household admin and arranged holidays and he had plenty of spare time - what on earth are you doing with your time ?

Tell him if he wants a trad wife, he can pay all the bills. So he can pick, either you keep paying your share or you pay nothing and cook and clean.

There’s quite a narrow line in between acknowledging that you have the time now to do all this (and the reality is this can’t be more than an hour or two a day unless you have some unusual circumstances you haven’t shared) and not being treated like a slave, which is what he is doing. You need to have a proper conversation now before you end up doing everything even when he has retired!

My DH is still working but I retired 2 years ago to look after my elderly DF who has now died. I did feel a level of unspoken expectation that I would do all the domestic work but tbh Dad (both his final months and then dealing with his estate) took so much time that it was easy for me to ignore DH.

Now we’ve settled into a more familiar routine that we are both happy with. I’ve also started quite a few projects that mean I can be visibly busy/unavailable and he will then make drinks and meals when he takes breaks.

TBH he’s not my main problem; my DCs are, and they seem to think I have endless free time just to give to them and my DGC. I love them all to bits and enjoy spending time with them, but I do get fed up of how much they expect from me without much acknowledgement or sometimes notice. They get the huff when I’m not as available as they think I should be.

OP - if your DH doesn’t notice hints, then you need to be explicit about how much you’re happy to do and what you still expect from him.

I still work, my husband has retired early. He takes care of everything in the house, washing, ironing (apart from my fiddly bits) shopping, cooking and housework. I didnt ask him to but I’m very grateful to him.

After dinner we clear up together. I wouldn’t dream of getting up and leaving my plate on the table for him to clear up. He isn’t my employee and i dont treat him like one. That’s incredibly disrespectful of your husband and you should tell him so.

If I did do that to my husband he would stop all the things he currently does and I wouldn’t blame him either. I think you need to have a frank discussion that you will take care of the majority as you have the time to do so and presumably want to make his life easier while he remains working, however he isn’t a helpless child and if he is home he pulls his weight and shows gratitude for all that you do chose to do.

My DH would cook dinner and clear up afterwards
the logic was that he had oodles of free time that I didn’t have

He shouldn't be acting like a slob, although broadly speaking, I do think that if you are not working outside the home while he is, then you should be responsible for most of the day to day tasks.

I will be retiring next year while my husband carries on for a few more years. I fully expect that most of the household management, bar having a weekly cleaner, will be mine. We probably split it about 60:40 now, it will probably end up closer to 80:20.

Sounds like you have made a rod for your own back by clearing up after him all the time! Stop doing it. You need to lay down the law - you don't mind doing the majority of the housework and cooking as long as he a) clears up after himself - you are not his domestic slave! And b) helps out by clearing up after dinner/sorting out bins/putting a mop/hoover round now and again/hangs up or folds up and puts away laundry.

It's fair that you do a bit more of the day to day stuff if you're not working. It's not ok that you're picking up after him like he's a child. Be firm about what you expect and if he doesn't do it, stop doing his laundry, cooking his food etc until he realises you mean business!

I think if you are at home and he's at work, the chores do fall to you. We have had various periods where one or other of us is not working and the unemployed person has taken on at least the lions share of the housework. Tbh without kids around, housework doesn't take long and some things don't have to be done everyday so you should still have time to relax, do your own thing, go out etc.

Deal with the mess for a while to see if not enabling him changes his behavior. Leave his towel and clothes on the floor. Don't move his glasses or ipad unless they are on your side of the bed. Move them by his pillow. Leave the wrappers and dirty glass in the living room. The best way to change someone else's behavior is to change your own.

How is he a good spouse to you? Seems like he's doing stuff on gadgets and not spending any quality time with you.

I couldnt live with a lazy slob like that. What kind of man walks away from the dinner table without clearing it and drops dirty clothes on the floor? So rude. Would he treat you like that if you were a man?

You have retired in order to retire, you haven't left your job in order to become his servant.

Stop picking up after him. If he's going to leave wet towels and dirty clothes on the bathroom floor, leave them there. It is not your job to clean up after him, the lazy goodfornothing bastard.

I’d say you’ve engineered your own misfortunes by allowing this kind of behaviour to persist throughout your presumably long marriage.