Share your reality with me please

[OneLessThing]

On being a single parent to two kids ?

I feel like my mind needs the pros/cons of leaving my husband or something to set me straight

I’m a lone parent as my ex went in for acrimony, abuse and abandonment.

It’s tiring and imperfect, I’m broke and don’t have the leeway to lean in at work.

But I am free to be how I want and to parent my way… most single or lone parents who left a bad man will tell you the peace it brings is worth it.

Is your DH that bad? I think it depends why you’re leaving.

It’s the way he speaks to me and the kids, a lot of things have happened over the years and I’m just thinking that I shouldn’t be putting up with it tbh

In a nutshell, it’s hard, it’s tiring but it’s worth is to have peace.

I am not one, but I have in laws and friends who are. Universally, they agree it's bloody hard. They also agree that it's better than having the original wanker around making everything else harder.

The peace is unbelievable.

Oh, well he does sound bad and that is unlikely to change. It’d be ok. Women of
all sorts do it and survive. It’s your life OP, if you have that ‘something is wrong’ intuition you have to take yourself (and the kids) towards things being right. Even if it means no money for treats etc. The peace is the main treat.

I love it.

there is so much joy in our house, no negative vibes at all.

and something wonderful has happened that occurred to me the other day. My two are nearly adults now, and because of what we’ve been through with divorce etc, I think we , the 3 of us, are closer than we ever would have been had I stayed together.

I’ve not regretted it for a single second.

I think it depends on the ages of the kids. I had a toddler and primary age DC’s when we split and that was hard for a few years. Routine helps though and I got a break at last after single parenting 24/7 whilst married.
Now they’re older (teen and adult) it’s brilliant.
I have peace and a stress free home that stays mostly clean and tidy without having to be an unpaid maid to a grown man as well. Never been happier.
Don’t let the fear of the unknown stop you from doing what’s right for you and your kids. It’s rarely worse as you’re probably doing everything yourself now anyway.

He does stuff around the house so I’m not doing everything myself, it’s just the way he parents as we have 3 boys 6&12 and he is so strict with them, I feel like he is making their childhood miserable, I feel like I’m a depleted version of myself because I don’t feel I can parent the way I want to, his common phrase is that I’m always against him and let them get away with everything

Do it.

Left mine, was super poor and the 1st 12 months is hard but it gets easier. I had no family support around and knew on my own was just that. But like others have said the peace is unbelievable, you lose the husband but in my case he was like another child anyway and its easier without him.

If he's strict you may worry about when he's like that and your not there but in my case he showed true colours and rarely has them anyway.

I also met someone else later on and jeeez o can't believe the difference from that relationship to this one.

My oh would have never changed, will yours?

Sorry to add
Pros
No husband to do all the things that's driven you to where you are now.

Cons
I have to put the wheelie bin out.

I think he will deffo not give up seeing the kids, he’s very involved in their lives etc I do worry how he’d be without me there, he’s not worried about saying things in front of them when we argue so I feel he may say horrible things to them about me, I know he won’t we’ve had plenty of conversations. I have family support etc, he isn’t close with his family so that worries me he doesn’t have the support I do

Do you think he'll get 50/50 though? if so he'll carry on speaking to them like that and treating them in a less than ideal way you just won't be arguing about it.
Its easier solo parenting children that age, younger children its very hard.

I left when DS had just turned 5. The level of peace in my home was insurmountable after 7 years of abuse. DS was happier and less anxious.

I will be honest, the post relationship abuse was very, very hard. I was very fortunate in that I had good family and friends around me otherwise I genuinely don’t know how I would have carried on. I also had some financial security which made it easier. ExDP is still abusive and controlling, DS (9) doesn’t want much to do with him anymore as he sees through his crap and I have a job getting him to go to his Dad’s. Even though exDP is married (and has been for 2 years, he didn’t hang around!) his wife is as vicious as he is and often jointly dish out threats etc which is hard.

My sister raised 3 kids on her own.
She said she found it easier less drama.
She just got on with it no CM from the dad either.
Kids are now in their 20s her son has a son of his own.

She said it was a bit tough at the start but go easy real quick as it was just her and the kids.
She was more laid back than her ex.
When the kids went to bed at night she had an hour or to for herself.
And really enjoy it if he was still around that hour would have been ruined with him moaning.
The peace and the atmosphere was calming.
Relationship with her kids is unbelievable good.
16 years on shes now late 40s and just started dating again, but as said never will she have a man move in ever again.

It’s awful, but I have 4 not 2 so should not be as hard for you. Hopefully.

I left, we share parenting so have mine just over 50%. Financially it's harder but managed to get a mortgage and a house I love. I can't imagine ever living with a man again, I'm so much happier.

And my neighbour does my bins 🤣

This should be enough to make a decision.

Picture your children as grown adults with someone asking them about their childhood. Do you want them to be saying how they lived in a miserable home and felt like they were always walking on egg shells waiting for the next outburst from their dad and they wish you’d left him but you didn’t.”

Make the change these boys deserve.

My husband left me with a one year old and three year old, although he saw them every weekend his input including money in day to day life was zero.
He had very fixed ideas and was emotionally lacking with the kids. He withdrew completely as they became teenagers. I got to do things my way, sometimes it was hard but at least it was stable, I however didn't get the opportunity to build another meaningful relationship. Today I am very close to all my kids and grandchildren and they could not really care less about him. He did bad mouth me to the kids but fortunately my kids never believed a word as they saw my reality day in day out.
You will be fine, at least your kids will be able to relax whilst with you, it's pointless worrying about the kids time with your partner as you will have no real control over that. I wish you well 💕

It's hard work, and the younger they are the harder it is. Should get easier once they're all secondary school age and above, but often it just becomes a different set of challenges at that age. If your ex to be is prepared to do a fair share of the care then that can avoid exhaustion setting in. But the other side of that is that if you don't agree with his parenting while you're together, you won't have any involvement or bear witness to it while they're alone in his care.

Its clear that his idea of discipline doesn't align with yours, but kids do need it to some extent, and contrasting parenting styles can be additive rather than conflicting if you can align the fundamentals. I guess what I'm saying is, is he really that much of a disciplinarian, or just stricter than you?

It's hard to tell from your post if he is an abusive bully or if you are just an oversoft parent. Has it occured to you that he has a point and you let them away with too much? Why do you assume you are correct and he is wrong?

Yeah I get your point, I used to be former but I feel now especially since my youngest got to 3/4 I am more relaxed about things than he is, it’s also his delivery on how he speaks to them and what he says, almost as if he doesn’t actually like them

Single parent here for 10 years now. My ex was abusive. Its tough and im actually lucky enough to have family/work support. However im no longer walking on eggshells, no fear. Ex has changed a lot but still a temper. Kids have a good relationship with him too. I think it would have been different had I stayed as we would have been scared all the time.

I also never really had another meaningful relationship. I think its easier if there is no dad on the scene, because I think men then have a role to step into. My only decent relationship ended because my partner wanted more than I could offer, and resented my role as a parent.

Personally id weigh it up to see if its something that can be changed. Ours couldnt be changed at the time and I made the right decision. Ive seen similar situations like yours where when faced with the prospect of the family breaking apart, the man has changed.

Better a tooth out than always aching ;)

He could be overcorrecting what he perceives to be your spoiling them. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he's right and you're wrong, but 'gentle parenting' has a lot to answer for. You need to be a team. He certainly shouldn't be speaking to them unpleasantly, that needs to be addressed. By the same token, you shouldn't be letting them behave just any old way. I find your use of the word 'firmer' interesting. There is nothing at all wrong with being firm or even strict with children. There is a big difference between that and anger. Children actually feel safer knowing that there are clear boundaries and also that they don't have to come first all the time (obviously their needs must come first, but their wants don't always have to) It's a very tricky one and I do feel for you, but I'm not sure the answer is to end the marriage.