Considering separation, but don't think I can cope being a single mum

[Mylifeisprettyshitrightnow]

DH and I are on the verge of splitting up after a 10 year marriage and 2 young children. The decision isn't final, but it's hanging there. I really need advice from mums who've been there as I just don't know what to do, I guess I'm struggling with practicalities.

DH often works away Monday to Friday, so all childcare is on me. They are in bed by 7.30 so I can't go out after that, and they can be really hard work. I have a very stressful and demanding job so juggling everything is already a struggle, and I've recently been thinking of reducing my hours again.

We share finances but he earns double what I earn - we both work but I'm part time (4 days). I have minimal savings.

Realistically if we split, we won't be able to do 50/50 custody unless he leaves his job. Which means the only option would likely be him having the kids every other weekend. I think this would break me honestly. What have other people done in this situation with childcare - would the other parent have them more in holidays, or just pay more maintenance to allow for some possible help?

If we split up, What's the next step? Neither of us could move out until the house is sold. I have no idea if I could afford to live alone. Do we have to divorce to separate finances properly? Do we do it ourselves?

I just don't know if my life will be any better or easier splitting up, or if it will only make my life utterly difficult and miserable as I'll be on my knees?

Sorry for the ramble, I'm just trying to piece my thoughts together. I can't even think about the emotional side right now either :-(

What’s gone on in the marriage to be considering divorce?
What does DH want?
Have you already tried to resolve issues and efforts haven’t worked?

They are in bed by 7.30 so I can't go out after that, and they can be really hard work.
Can you pay a babysitter if going out is imperative?

Well every other weekend is more than a lot of mums get, my ex has never had our kids overnight and we split 10 years ago. You will be fine

Too much to summarise here. We've had counselling in the past, things improved for a bit. He's had individual counselling for over a year now, only because I told him that was the condition of we tried to work things out again. We've had many, many bad patches and now they outnumber any good ones by a long stretch. I'm just so unhappy and I feel so alone. I feel like I have absolutely nobody in the world, despite having my 2 loving DC. I never feel good enough, and the harder I try the more I seem to do wrong. We've just had another argument, and this time he's suggested if we are going to split up, maybe sooner rather than later is better. He says he doesn't "want to" though. I am not sure what I want, but I know this relationship is much harder than it ought to be, and that I don't even think I love him anymore.

Sorry to say but I think you need to consider the worst case scenario which would be he does no childcare at all and pays minimal maintenance.

So the reality would be that you pay for everything, do all the childcare and work like a fucking dog.

BUT you would be free and you can build a good life.

Thanks, that's super helpful

there is another thread running at the moment on a similar topic op. One poster said she regretted leaving a non abusive marriage as being a single mum is so hard .

its very hard being on your own. Unless he is abusive then I would think hard about it. The grass is not greener and you will be swopping one load of problems for another.

I like the idea of being free. I'm just terrified. I'm already at breaking point mentally, and although our marriage is down the pan emotionally, I do rely on him for helping at home. I struggle with the kids. I can't keep on top of anything.
I feel like a failure. I don't feel like I can do it without him. But I can't do it like this any more either, with zero of my own needs being met (and I'm talking basic emotional support).

This is why I feel so torn, I think. He does pull his weight - with physical and visual things. He just gets things done. If the kitchen is a shit tip when he comes home on a Friday, he doesn't sit down. He whizzes round and cleans it all up. If there's other stuff that needs doing, he sees it and does it. I know this sounds like a dream for lots of people. A man that pulls his weight with the household chores, he gives me a lie in on a Sunday so I have one morning where I don't have to get both kids up and ready on my own. he sees to all the DIY. Etc.
The hard part is, he criticises, brings me down, nothing is ever done to his standard, and he just doesn't know how to be there for me. When my mum got cancer, he picked a fight over a sex issue. When I've struggled with stress and asked for help with something, he does it but with a face like thunder rather than allowing me to relax knowing he's doing it because he cares. If we don't have sex for a while, he feels unloved and I then have to set about trying to find ways to ensure he is appreciated. When I need to talk, he's staring at his phone or he's not listening. When I feel rubbish, he doesn't try to lift me up, he gets annoyed that I'm in a mood and gets in a mood himself instead. I'm just so miserable. I just can't do life and I don't know which is worse, with him or without.

Working like a dog and having no time to oneself because one is running around after children that a man refuses to parent is not freedom.

You're right to be cautious OP. When both kids are old enough to be left alone you do get that much heralded freedom. But until then, every time you make a decision about anything you do, from going to the cinema/meeting a friend for coffee/getting a new job/running off to Ibiza and taking loads of drugs, you have to factor in what you do with the kids, their school timetable, their childcare and so on. You are absolutely tied. Unless you completely nail down his responsibilities in the divorce proceedings. And even then he can turn round and say he won't do stuff, but somehow the kids have to be looked after (NB : this will fall on you, it always does).

This is already how it is, because he works away so much. Whenever we do anything on a weekend, childcare is always down to me to sort out. School holidays? My job to sort. All the "thinking" life admin is me - kids, school, activities, clothes, appointments, social activities, holiday bookings, birthdays, etc etc. and I don't get the downtime. I once had to have an urgent hospital procedure, where I needed someone to collect me and stay with me for 24 hours due to the anaesthetic. It clashed with a golfing weekend he had booked, so rather than him stepping in to look after the kids, I was the one that had to beg a family member to stay over with me at short notice. If I want to do a course at work that involves an overnight stay, it's impossible unless I can sort out overnight childcare. I passed up and opportunity recently that I would have jumped at usually, but it's just too difficult to sort out and I couldn't be arsed. Him? He can go away for weeks and doesn't have to give it a second thought. I want to book a holiday with a friend in October, but because it would be a long weekend I won't be able to go unless my elderly parents can have the kids on the school days, and stay overnight with them. And since my mum has cancer that is not going to be possible much longer. It's a lot to think about.

Then it sounds like you are already there.

Sorry, my previous post crossed with yours.

You will probably have to work more hours than you do currently - even with maintenance. Running two households is always going to be more expensive than one. After age 12 it gets financially easier though, childcare wise. I'm not going to lie it's brutal before that, even with universal credit and the like.

Could you afford to book an appointment with a solicitor? Have a clear idea of finances beforehand, including what your housing costs are likely to be. Then you can have a better handle on how things will pan out day to day.

I'm sorry about your mum. That's very hard. If she's happy to cover you in October I think that would be a really nice thing to do for yourself. I would say get good insurance but actually most policies don't cover cancellations for family members' health. If you book accommodation separately from transport/flights you can often get deals where you cancel the day before without penalty, likewise for travel. It's more expensive but maybe you could pay the extra for you both so you can go away with your friend with peace of mind.

How old are your children, OP?

I waited till mine were school age as I couldn’t manage it financially until nursery fees were finished.

I had no family nearby, which didn’t help.

It’s been 5 years now & my DC are teenagers, I don’t regret leaving, just wishing I could have done it earlier but I know I couldn’t have managed.

Sounds as if you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. How old are the kids?

maybe work on grey rocking him/ putting a shield up so his criticisms don’t hurt you so much. Concentrate on building your self esteem and independence up and think about leaving when the kids are older.

does he know how you feel and that you are considering leaving the marriage because of his behaviour?

@TowardsTheFlatHorizon thank you, I'd love to get it booked in to be honest even if it's a bit more. I earn about 35k on my PT hours and we have quite a bit of equity in our house, but I don't know how that translates to a financial split. I'd have no idea what I could afford on my wage alone, as DH pays a much larger proportion of our mortgage and bills etc. but I'd hope I could manage.

The kids are 4 and 6. Both already in primary school but still very much at the "I don't want to" stage of absolutely anything I need them to do. Full of attitude. It doesn't feel any easier than when they were both in nursery right now to be totally honest, plus school just inundates us with endless things to sort or remember.

@Wish44 i take sertraline to help me not care. It works to some extent, but I could work on my self esteem a lot more. I feel like I'm failing at motherhood, work and marriage. Maybe I just need to pick one, and sack off the others! Just need that lottery win.

The good thing about school is that they're there for six hours a day so even allowing for travel time that's five hours you can work without paying childcare, 39 weeks a year at least. The bad thing is that anything you need beyond that five hours 39 weeks a year is patchy and piecemeal. I'd research what's available near you. There might be some wondrous seamless after school/holiday club provision but otherwise you'll be winging it. That is a major pain cobbling it all together. I never actually had to take my kids into work with me but I sure came close to it.

A solicitor should be able to advise what the likely split would be, if you go there with all the information - pensions, earnings, house, inheritances , savings. Get those numbers sorted. At the moment you're casting in the dark.

You may well find your mindset changes when you are finding all this out and after/during the appointment and you'll probably have at least one false "lightbulb" moment. That's okay, and normal. It's a lot to take in. What you think today doesn't have to be what you do for the rest of your life. You can take your time and work out what's your best path, what you can tolerate.

They are already in wrap around care 4 days a week, luckily but it's expensive. I work 4 days with a 40 min commute each way, which is why everything feels so hard I think. I start at 8am but I'm thinking of starting later just so mornings are a bit slower, even if it means evenings are cut short with them. I work some longer days so that I can finish earlier and do pick up on one of my working days, and I have one day off where I obviously do both school runs and catch up on everything else.

I might look into a solicitor appointment just for the sake of deciding what to do, do some offer free consultations? It just feels so serious and scary. I think I do need to explore all options though.

by the sound of it your main concern is how you will cope financially, in most cases during a divorce a judge will prioritise the wellbeing of the children and will suggest that the main care giver stays in the house until the children become adults, i’m not entirely sure how that works though, whether the other partner still has to pay/contribute to the mortgage or not. I would suggest going on the council list but they aren’t interested until you’re almost homeless. Everyone deserves to be happy so you owe it to yourself to do all the homework to find your way out. Good luck 🤞

Your DH seems to have more belief in your marriage than you. He gets away, has a break from parenthood and juggling responsibility, struggling with practicalities, as you do.
Do what he’s done. Try individual counselling and have some time off courtesy of a baby sitter. Develop friendships and build some self-confidence.
You sound tired, stressed and lonely but life will get easier, Don’t give up yet.

You can do it, and you will all be a lot happier. I left father or 2 x younger DC because of the way he was treating my elder child. He ended up working overseas for years and my family were miles away. I got a very serious health issue, but I still coped. I grew up in an unhappy household with waring parents. My ex and I remained friends for sake of DC and we (or for me) have done a good job of raising them.

I never think staying is the right answer because for me, what happened in childhood has affected my future. Yes it’s been hard, but I have no regrets and now is my own time again as the years really do fly by.

Sorry to hear you are struggling OP. My advice would be a) consider investing in a housekeeper. Big coin, but just think of the load they would now carry. If not, give up a room and get an au pair. Much more affordable and at least 2 babysits a week. b) Advice from a life coach is to do three timelines of your lives now through to retirement. Three possible senarios and consider each one. Include everything eg possible divorce and financials, ages kids go to secondary, uni, you retraining if you want, ages retire, location where you retire… You could do this on your own and then present them to your partner and that gives you a basis for discussion.

The thing is, being in an unequal relationship where you needs are not met but theirs are is incredibly draining. Often, when a woman no longer has this she discovers she can actually thrive as a single Mum. Energy levels rise for Mum, or peace, or call it what you will, and dynamics of you-and-them can calm.
Talk to a professional re your finances, get actual information so you aren’t worrying about unknowns.

@TowardsTheFlatHorizon has painted a vivid and extremely accurate picture of the life of a single mum. The constant mental calculations around every minute of childcare. It’s so mentally draining and she is right to challenge my assertion that this is freedom. At times I felt like I was in prison and lockdown was a partial relief in that at least everyone was stuck at home not just me!

The freedom I’m referring to however sits in the freedom to make your own decisions without criticism. We had lots of happy days out and trips away with no one sulking or spoiling things. For me a lovely thing is that I leave the kitchen immaculate every evening and it’s still like that in the morning. There is singing and music and laughter in my home even if I am a bit shattered.

This is a good idea as tbh I can't see where my future with him is going, and I can't particularly see a happy one right now. Do you mean, look at what our future could look like in those situations, and what we would want?

@OhamIreally I think you've hit a nail on the head there. I feel like any holiday or day out we have where the expectation is we get to relax and have a lovely time as a family, is ruined by his moods and his niggles and his criticisms, he is so negative. It brings us all down. I have been daydreaming about going on holiday alone with the kids, or going with my sister. It's sad that I don't enjoy our downtime because of him.

We've spoken and I've put separation on the table. I think we may get some relationship counselling just to support the decision. DH says he doesn't want to break up. Says he wouldn't stay if he didn't want to - separation would work well for him. his life would be easy, he could afford everything he needs and would only have the kids on a weekend. Or every other, I guess. But he wants to stay, he still loves me and wants to try.

Maybe professional help rather than muddling through on our own would be more helpful than I think it will be. But I don't remember a time it hasn't been like this. I don't even think I love him. I'm struggling to care at all. I'm just worried about how shit it will be for me practically. I'll just feel completely screwed over having sacrificed so much, and allowing him to earn all that money, without me he wouldn't be able to - but now that won't be reflected in our joint money. I'll have what I earn and won't benefit from all those sacrifices.

Just to say it is really rare now to be able to stay in the house until your children are 18 (a mesher order) without buying your husband out of his share and taking over the mortgage. The main carer for the children might get a higher share of assets but this might be (say) 60% rather than 50%. I would consider how finances would work if you only get 50% of all marital assets (which usually includes equity in your home, savings and pensions).

You can agree a different arrangement between yourselves but even then it must be fair. And one person taking all equity in the house leaving the other unable to house themself will rarely be fair in the court’s eyes.

It is really hard being a single parent if the child’s father only does eow. You don’t have much freedom. But it’s also hard and sometimes unsustainable being in a bad marriage.