Considering separation, but don't think I can cope being a single mum

[Mylifeisprettyshitrightnow]

DH and I are on the verge of splitting up after a 10 year marriage and 2 young children. The decision isn't final, but it's hanging there. I really need advice from mums who've been there as I just don't know what to do, I guess I'm struggling with practicalities.

DH often works away Monday to Friday, so all childcare is on me. They are in bed by 7.30 so I can't go out after that, and they can be really hard work. I have a very stressful and demanding job so juggling everything is already a struggle, and I've recently been thinking of reducing my hours again.

We share finances but he earns double what I earn - we both work but I'm part time (4 days). I have minimal savings.

Realistically if we split, we won't be able to do 50/50 custody unless he leaves his job. Which means the only option would likely be him having the kids every other weekend. I think this would break me honestly. What have other people done in this situation with childcare - would the other parent have them more in holidays, or just pay more maintenance to allow for some possible help?

If we split up, What's the next step? Neither of us could move out until the house is sold. I have no idea if I could afford to live alone. Do we have to divorce to separate finances properly? Do we do it ourselves?

I just don't know if my life will be any better or easier splitting up, or if it will only make my life utterly difficult and miserable as I'll be on my knees?

Sorry for the ramble, I'm just trying to piece my thoughts together. I can't even think about the emotional side right now either :-(

I am a single parent OP. My advice is to invest in some legal advice - find out what your rights are likely to be vis a vis the house, maintenance, his pension etc.

It is relentless but it's also worth it in order not to be put down all the time, to have freedom to make your own decisions, to not have to have sex with a sulking manchild. Fwiw I wish I had really really pushed for 50/50 care. I realise now that my H got exactly what he wanted doing EOW. He gets to swan in and buy them dinner and they think he's marvellous. It really fucks me off!

To start with I found it really difficult not being with my children on those weekends, but you soon get used to it and actually you need that time (just to sleep or clean mainly). Good luck.

Hi OP.
Yes do timelines with you both in it.
You might have the same plans for retirement eg age, location and working back from here might help you now.

You could also do one with you separated. This will help you see how the financial implications of separation play out over time. X

What did you do OP?

It won't be easier as a single parent UNLESS he then pulls his weight with the child care arrangements. If you can tolerate him, stick with it until you are more financially secure and have a proper exit strategy.Try not leave a shared home if you name is on the deeds unless your fear for your or your children's safety as the leaving partner is nearly always in a weaker position unless you have access to family support.

If he mentioned divorce separation discuss what the settlement and child care is going to look like and how much it's going to cost . Try to negotiate him leaning the home rather than you so the children have the same roof over their heads.

Get legal , financial and tax advice before you take any major decisions

I'm afraid they don't routinely make mesh orders (primarily carer keeps house until children grow up) anymore, and favour clean break devorce. You might be able to argue for a bigger split of assets on account of greater housing needs (have to be near kids school, kids don't need as much room at dad's if only there twice a months), and also having made career sacrifices which allowed him to build his earning potential.

You will be entering to maintenence, so you should put his salary through the CMS calculator to see what you might get, and also run a benefits calculation on 'turn to us' to see if you will get any help there.

If the house was sold and you were to take 50% of the house equity as your deposit for your own property, plus whatever mortgage you can get from your salary, any benefits and maintenance (use online calculators). Would that come out anywhere near the cosy of house or flat that could meet you and the kids needs?