Would you stay after finding OnlyFans use and lies about escorts?

[TheLilacSquid]

Looking for some advice as to what you would do in my situation…

My partner and I have been together 3.5 years and have a 19 month old. Until recently, I’ve had no reason to not trust him and our relationship has been lovely. He treats me well and he’s a great dad.

A few weeks ago I found out he was using only fans as he left his emails logged in on my laptop. It looks like the last time he paid for content was in the first 7 months of our relationship and since then he’s been watching the ‘free’ stuff.

I confronted him about it and he was so apologetic. Claimed that he turned to it in the last few years of his past relationship (which lasted almost 10 years) as the intimacy was non existent and he was having performance issues. It got so out of hand he was paying for content daily and he thought he might have a porn addiction. He told me he doesn’t look nearly as much since being with me but said he will seek help for this addiction. I struggled to understand how you can have an addiction but not watch it ‘that much’ it didn’t quite add up.

He swore on mine and my sons lives that he’s never had a form of physical affair or contact outside of onlyfans.

Fast forward a week and I’m looking through his emails and come across multiple emails to escorts/thai massage parlours etc whilst he was with his ex, asking for all sorts. In one he even asked for @nal sex from a woman. This spanned over years of their relationship.

I confronted him about it and asked if he might be bisexual/gay and he said no. He claims he never went through with any of them but I have an email where he responds to one saying ‘last time I saw you for a prostate massage’ so that was obviously an outright lie.

I feel like my world has fallen apart. This is someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Who I would bet money on never hurting me. He has the kindest heart and never seemed overly sexual with me which also doesn’t help when trying to understand this whole other side of him.

I’m really struggling, as he’s not physically cheated on me (that I know of) but he’s lied to my face.

If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Do you think with counselling and time there’s any coming back from this? If anyone has experienced similar, did it change you as a person and did your relationship survive?

I want the best for my son always.

Thank you

Right now, I would concentrate on one thing: your health.

I would be asking a very direct question: “Given your past contact with sex workers, did you have a full STI check before having unprotected sex with me? If yes, I need to see proof of the results. If no, get the fuck out of my home”.

But the relationship would be done anyway as I just couldn’t look at him in the same way.

Leave. He is a man who enjoys controlling women. He does it by having this secret other life that only he knows about. He will get a thrill from being able to reel you in again with this lies. This need to control through lies and manipulation is obvious a core part of his personality and character. You will never know when he is telling the truth and when he is lying. The nice, kind man you know is part of the facade and manipulation to keep you where he wants you.

He's a relationship fraudster who likes controlling women.

You need to leave for as long as you are with him, he will lie to you. He lied to you from the start, throughout and will continue to lie to you for as long as you are in contact with him.

He’s not overly sexual with you because he’s getting his kicks elsewhere. His performance issues with his ex and lack of interest with you likely stem from his sex addiction. So he was like this with her and has not changed in the time he’s been with you. He is unlikely to change without a lot of therapy (that’s if he even wants to change). I don’t see how you can continue with him. He is a liar and has been hiding a dark secret from you, as well as putting your health at risk. The fact that you see him very differently as someone who could never hurt you shows he’s good at masking who he really is and can manipulate you. His addiction will always come first. He may be a good dad but you need much more than that from a partner. What about you ? He can’t have an honest mature relationship with you and he’s not interested in intimacy with you. He’s spending money on sex workers and only fans. You deserve much better. Don’t tolerate him risking your health. He’s having all the fun but you are also taking the risk if you continue to sleep with him. Leave and focus on yourself and your son.

He's Jekyll and Hyde. He is happy to lie repeatedly to you and happy to use women as objects.

I usually say give marriage a chance while children are under school age. But not with someone who doesn't have any moral compass at all. He'd only get worse.

But take your time getting support and planning your finances. And get advice from an expert lawyer in divorce, not just any old lawyer. You need one with a strong recent track record of getting a very fair settlement.

Not necessarily. Sometimes men (and people generally) aren’t always able to fully acknowledge sexual desires to themselves, especially if they’ve been socially conditioned by homophobia.

No absolutely not

He’s a pig who has no respect for women he’s in relationships with or the women he’s paying for these sexual favours.

He sees women as objects that are there to use for his sexual pleasure and not much else.

He will never ever change the way he acts or feels. Even if he pretends to. So you need to decide if you’re happy to live with this or not.