Active discussions

Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you stay after finding OnlyFans use and lies about escorts?

32 replies

TheLilacSquid · 20/06/2026 20:25

Looking for some advice as to what you would do in my situation…

My partner and I have been together 3.5 years and have a 19 month old. Until recently, I’ve had no reason to not trust him and our relationship has been lovely. He treats me well and he’s a great dad.

A few weeks ago I found out he was using only fans as he left his emails logged in on my laptop. It looks like the last time he paid for content was in the first 7 months of our relationship and since then he’s been watching the ‘free’ stuff.

I confronted him about it and he was so apologetic. Claimed that he turned to it in the last few years of his past relationship (which lasted almost 10 years) as the intimacy was non existent and he was having performance issues. It got so out of hand he was paying for content daily and he thought he might have a porn addiction. He told me he doesn’t look nearly as much since being with me but said he will seek help for this addiction. I struggled to understand how you can have an addiction but not watch it ‘that much’ it didn’t quite add up.

He swore on mine and my sons lives that he’s never had a form of physical affair or contact outside of onlyfans.

Fast forward a week and I’m looking through his emails and come across multiple emails to escorts/thai massage parlours etc whilst he was with his ex, asking for all sorts. In one he even asked for @nal sex from a woman. This spanned over years of their relationship.

I confronted him about it and asked if he might be bisexual/gay and he said no. He claims he never went through with any of them but I have an email where he responds to one saying ‘last time I saw you for a prostate massage’ so that was obviously an outright lie.

I feel like my world has fallen apart. This is someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Who I would bet money on never hurting me. He has the kindest heart and never seemed overly sexual with me which also doesn’t help when trying to understand this whole other side of him.

I’m really struggling, as he’s not physically cheated on me (that I know of) but he’s lied to my face.

If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Do you think with counselling and time there’s any coming back from this? If anyone has experienced similar, did it change you as a person and did your relationship survive?

I want the best for my son always.

Thank you

OP posts:
Happytap · 20/06/2026 20:27

I would leave. I'm so sorry your in this situation

GreenFootstool · 20/06/2026 20:29

Leave. Or make him leave.

He's dishonest. He's paying women to rent their bodies.

And have a full STI work up.

Surcare · 20/06/2026 20:30

I would say run………….. and I hate to see broken families. I am so sorry that you have only discovered this now. If you said he had a one night stand or something I would maybe suggest trying for the family sake but to be honest this sounds very bad. So sorry you are going through this

Darragon · 20/06/2026 20:31

He swore on mine and my sons lives that he’s never had a form of physical affair or contact outside of onlyfans.
I’d dump him for swearing on people’s lives alone. Is he 12?

therockingbird · 20/06/2026 20:43

This is the end I’m afraid, you do realise your only just touching the surface here.. I speak from experience. Please save yourself and your mental state and get the fucker gone.

Trumptontown · 20/06/2026 20:48

What has any of that got to do with you suggesting he could be bisexual or gay?

Ecstaticmotion · 20/06/2026 20:49

Trumptontown · 20/06/2026 20:48

What has any of that got to do with you suggesting he could be bisexual or gay?

Edited

I think OP thinks men liking anal play/sex means they might be gay…

duod · 20/06/2026 20:53

Trumptontown · 20/06/2026 20:48

What has any of that got to do with you suggesting he could be bisexual or gay?

Edited

Lots of Thai women can be ladyboys

duod · 20/06/2026 20:54

He’s apologising because he got caught. Do you really think he was going to wake up one day in the future and just stop? It doesn’t work like that. Porn addiction and using escorts doesn’t work like that. Unless he aactually gets help.

if he hasn’t even uttered getting therapy/help etc then he’ll only fall back into his old ways

BridgetJonesV2 · 20/06/2026 20:56

He won't change. If you can tolerate this for the rest of your life, fair enough but it wouldn't be my choice.

He's got no respect for women.

Trumptontown · 20/06/2026 20:57

Ecstaticmotion · 20/06/2026 20:49

I think OP thinks men liking anal play/sex means they might be gay…

Show quote history

Surely though, if he was secretly contacting sex workers, he could have just contacted male sex workers rather than ask a woman for ass play…

Illogical Captain! (OP, not you)

whippersnapper55 · 20/06/2026 20:58

He's a liar and that would be enough for me to end it. You only know what he's told you about his previous relationship, it could all be lies. He obviously cheated on her extensively and must have lied to her a lot too.

He might be a good dad but he can still be a good dad if you're not together. He has shown you who he is behind the facade - believe him.

InBedBy10 · 20/06/2026 21:14

OP you dont know this man.

Hes been playing a role for the last 3.5yrs and now his mask has slipped slightly and you've caught a glimpse of the real him.

I find it telling that he blamed his ex for his problems. Can you speak to her? Im sure she'd have some interesting facts to tell you.

This has been going on years, he has no interest in changing. He'll only get better at hiding it. Dont walk, run.

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 20/06/2026 21:33

Trumptontown · 20/06/2026 20:48

What has any of that got to do with you suggesting he could be bisexual or gay?

Edited

Because he asked for a*al sex FROM one female sex worker, and mentioned to another that he last visited for a prostate massage.

Trumptontown · 20/06/2026 21:38

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 20/06/2026 21:33

Because he asked for a*al sex FROM one female sex worker, and mentioned to another that he last visited for a prostate massage.

Show quote history

Yes, thank you, I read the post. None of that means he’s gay or bisexual.

PaperMachePanda · 20/06/2026 21:40

He’d be gone.

I don’t allow anyone to compromise my health.

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 20/06/2026 21:44

TheLilacSquid · 20/06/2026 20:25

Looking for some advice as to what you would do in my situation…

My partner and I have been together 3.5 years and have a 19 month old. Until recently, I’ve had no reason to not trust him and our relationship has been lovely. He treats me well and he’s a great dad.

A few weeks ago I found out he was using only fans as he left his emails logged in on my laptop. It looks like the last time he paid for content was in the first 7 months of our relationship and since then he’s been watching the ‘free’ stuff.

I confronted him about it and he was so apologetic. Claimed that he turned to it in the last few years of his past relationship (which lasted almost 10 years) as the intimacy was non existent and he was having performance issues. It got so out of hand he was paying for content daily and he thought he might have a porn addiction. He told me he doesn’t look nearly as much since being with me but said he will seek help for this addiction. I struggled to understand how you can have an addiction but not watch it ‘that much’ it didn’t quite add up.

He swore on mine and my sons lives that he’s never had a form of physical affair or contact outside of onlyfans.

Fast forward a week and I’m looking through his emails and come across multiple emails to escorts/thai massage parlours etc whilst he was with his ex, asking for all sorts. In one he even asked for @nal sex from a woman. This spanned over years of their relationship.

I confronted him about it and asked if he might be bisexual/gay and he said no. He claims he never went through with any of them but I have an email where he responds to one saying ‘last time I saw you for a prostate massage’ so that was obviously an outright lie.

I feel like my world has fallen apart. This is someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Who I would bet money on never hurting me. He has the kindest heart and never seemed overly sexual with me which also doesn’t help when trying to understand this whole other side of him.

I’m really struggling, as he’s not physically cheated on me (that I know of) but he’s lied to my face.

If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Do you think with counselling and time there’s any coming back from this? If anyone has experienced similar, did it change you as a person and did your relationship survive?

I want the best for my son always.

Thank you

After the first time you queried something you'd found in his emails, why did he leave his account logged in on your laptop? Surely he remembered all this other stuff was on there?!
Stuff which gives the lie to him swearing on yours and your son's lives that he never did anything physical with sex workers...

To answer your question, I would find it very difficult to come back from this.

For me it's a double whammy.

He has paid female sex workers (who may or may not have been trafficked) for sexual services on multiple occasions.

And he lied to you about it.

I'm not sure i could ever trust him again. And it's very hard to be in a relationship without trust.

So for me, I think I would be ending the relationship.

Good luck with your decision, OP. 💐

Eta - maybe he's not "overly sexual" with you due to a porn/Only Fans addiction.

TheClocksFast · 20/06/2026 22:02

A sex-addicted liar? No thanks. I’m sorry this has happened to you and you must be devastated but you should show him the door because this will probably never go away.

It’s a total lack of respect for you and your relationship.

Sashya · 20/06/2026 22:04

@TheLilacSquid I think I understand how you feel. You assumed your partner's sexual history was what you imagined, but it was different.
This also makes it harder to be black and white.
Unless at the start of your relationship you had an explicit conversation about his past - and he misinformed you, I think it'd be unfair to just leave without at least talking about his past and why it worries you now. It'd be easier to just leave if you didn't have a child - but you do now.

I think both of you owe it to your child to see if your relationship can be mended. It is hard to judge him for his past - clearly his marriage was quite dysfunctional. It also does seem that he has changed - and his relationship with you is very different. And you say he is a good partner overall and a good father.
All says to me that you both should really try to talk - and maybe it's best to do with a relationship counsellor?

darksideofthetoon · 20/06/2026 23:01

Trumptontown · 20/06/2026 20:48

What has any of that got to do with you suggesting he could be bisexual or gay?

Edited

Bum fun automatically = gay on MN.

Userengage · 21/06/2026 00:18

Swearing on someone’s life doesn’t mean a thing. No one dies if the swearer is lying so why set any store by it?

Just dump him, he’s rubbish.

Limpet54 · 21/06/2026 00:24

Leave this man immediately, I have been EXACTLY where you are and I can catergorically tell you he has absolutely been there physically.

this is a deep and very dark addiction that most don’t recover from without serious therapy.

I’m so sorry. I was 7 months pregnant when I uncovered it, it absolutely devastated me, ruined my mental health and I had a full breakdown in the end. What you are discovering will not be even close to the full truth. My ex was also doing for years and years prior to me throughout all his relationships.

x

Floff1 · 21/06/2026 06:43

TheLilacSquid · 20/06/2026 20:25

Looking for some advice as to what you would do in my situation…

My partner and I have been together 3.5 years and have a 19 month old. Until recently, I’ve had no reason to not trust him and our relationship has been lovely. He treats me well and he’s a great dad.

A few weeks ago I found out he was using only fans as he left his emails logged in on my laptop. It looks like the last time he paid for content was in the first 7 months of our relationship and since then he’s been watching the ‘free’ stuff.

I confronted him about it and he was so apologetic. Claimed that he turned to it in the last few years of his past relationship (which lasted almost 10 years) as the intimacy was non existent and he was having performance issues. It got so out of hand he was paying for content daily and he thought he might have a porn addiction. He told me he doesn’t look nearly as much since being with me but said he will seek help for this addiction. I struggled to understand how you can have an addiction but not watch it ‘that much’ it didn’t quite add up.

He swore on mine and my sons lives that he’s never had a form of physical affair or contact outside of onlyfans.

Fast forward a week and I’m looking through his emails and come across multiple emails to escorts/thai massage parlours etc whilst he was with his ex, asking for all sorts. In one he even asked for @nal sex from a woman. This spanned over years of their relationship.

I confronted him about it and asked if he might be bisexual/gay and he said no. He claims he never went through with any of them but I have an email where he responds to one saying ‘last time I saw you for a prostate massage’ so that was obviously an outright lie.

I feel like my world has fallen apart. This is someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Who I would bet money on never hurting me. He has the kindest heart and never seemed overly sexual with me which also doesn’t help when trying to understand this whole other side of him.

I’m really struggling, as he’s not physically cheated on me (that I know of) but he’s lied to my face.

If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Do you think with counselling and time there’s any coming back from this? If anyone has experienced similar, did it change you as a person and did your relationship survive?

I want the best for my son always.

Thank you

Firstly sorry you're going through this.
I know it's not easy or helpful to read the "leave" comments.

I relate to the first part of your post (onlyfans), me and my partner have been together nearly 3 years with a 20 month old and 7 month old. I found him using onlyfans before we dated but carried it on through our relationship (paying on that site too) I only found out the full extent after first baby.
Multiple conversations and setting boundaries he said he'd stop. He stopped paying but continued looking up certain girls (girls that resembled his ex too!)
Gave an ultimatum after finding it again and he's stopped for now (been 5 months). I also view it as a form of cheating. Its very mentally draining.

It's easy to say leave. It's hard to act on leaving.
You need to ask yourself whether you can get over it and move past it or whether you think it will eat you alive.
I have bouts of anger and hatred towards him, it comes and goes. Maybe one day it'll catch up to me and I'll leave, but not today.

You're stronger than you think. But honestly don't put all your trust in him, monitor things.
Only you can tell yourself what to do.

TheThingOnTheIce · 21/06/2026 07:08

Yeah this isn’t something that will ever stop. you’ve probably just seen the tip of the iceberg .

Comtesse · 21/06/2026 09:35

Userengage · 21/06/2026 00:18

Swearing on someone’s life doesn’t mean a thing. No one dies if the swearer is lying so why set any store by it?

Just dump him, he’s rubbish.

I’d say swearing on someone’s life is almost always a sign of bad faith. It sounds dramatic but doesn’t actually mean anything.