Not brave enough to say I’m unhappy in my marriage

[maryshelleyyy]

I have been married for more than 20 years and over the last few I have found myself being increasingly less happy in my marriage. I’m happy to allocate part of this to being perimenopausal but basically it’s down to my husband being almost a completely silent partner in not just our relationship but with almost any relationship he has, friends, family members etc.

It’s got to the point where I know I have to say something to him about it and introduce a discussion to see how he’s feeling (he never ever starts a conversation about feelings, in fact rarely starts a conversation at all).

The problem is that I am firstly annoyed that I as always have to be the proactive partner in the relationship to get something sorted out but also that I can already see how the conversation is going to go - he doesn’t have an issue with anything (except for me going totally off sex), he doesn’t think he’s depressed, he’ll try harder etc - and hey presto, he’ll try harder for a week or two before it fizzles out and we’ll be back to square one.

I also am historically awful at confrontation and am always totally on alert for how I might have upset or offended anyone which isn’t helping me try to prepare for this and feel ready. I have tried to rehearse what I want/need to say in my head, making sure I use ‘I’ phrasing and not ‘you’ phrasing etc but I can’t see any version of it in which it’s basically not a long laundry list of the ways in which he disappoints me.

I’ve got to do something and there’s an opportunity coming next month where we will be free of the teenagers, which I feel will be the ideal time to have the conversation. And as much as I know I need to say it all, I’m already bottling it and scared of how to start, what to say etc.

Sorry if this is too vague for any direction or advice but I would really appreciate anyone’s input or encouragement.

Thanks all.

What are you wanting to achieve from the conversation? Do you want him to change, or are you ending the relationship? And it doesn’t sound like he’s very confrontational, so what are you really afraid of?

I want him to be aware that I am really struggling with how little he puts into everything. This is a topic we’ve discussed before, all the common stuff about weaponised incompetence, me being a secretary for basically everything etc. so I don’t think any of it will come as a great surprise, but me saying I feel like I don’t know how much longer I can put up with it will be a shock.

I certainly don’t plan to say that it’s over or anything like that, but this needs to be more serious than previous conversations we’ve had. I no longer believe him when he says he’ll try harder as there are just too many instances of this promise being made and quickly broken. I think I want to ask him to go for therapy or counselling to find out why he has just no emotional investment in anything, see if that can help.

And you’re right, he is not confrontational and certainly isn’t likely to go off on one or yell, he’s more likely to just clam up and go for a drive. Both of us came from households where our parents had drag-out arguments so it’s never been our style.

I can think of many worse things for a partner than never starting a conversation about feelings. Is he otherwise a partner who has your back, who will support you through difficult times, who will look after you when ill, a good parent, responsible man?
May be, your unhappiness can be dealt through having more friendships, more hobbies and interests for yourself. I cannot imagine him changing who he is because it’s demanded of him.

Yes, that’s one of the things that’s become more and more hurtful. First that he doesn’t have the instinct to do anything proactive to invest in our relationship (and any of his others with friends etc), second that he knows it bothers me that he doesn’t have this instinct (or if he does, that he doesn’t bother acting on it) and third that he doesn’t have much of a conscience about how that makes me feel? If that all makes sense, mess as it is.

If you are asking this man to change after 20 years you have got zero chance

It’s you who is moving the goal
posts - at this point he more or less is who he is

Presumably he hasn't always been like this? How long has the marriage been sexless for? In my experience that is a huge issue (for both partners) and linked to the lack of communication/emotional intimacy, not something to be minimised.

I think I'd be wanting him to understand the direct correlation between him being practically and emotionally absent and the lack fo sex as a starting point.

You say you've talked about it before and he'll try harder for a couple of weeks before reverting to type.

Of course he does because that's who he is. You're asking him to be someone completely different.

However, some people think that someone should find it easy to change in a relationship for the person they're with but it's really hard to change your fundamental self. And you've been married for 20 years so he's clearly not young.

I've said this before on here but I fond it a helpful way to explain it away from relationships.

I'm not a tidy and organised person naturally. I wish I was because my house l, workspace, head would all be easier to manage if I were!

Sometimes, I tell myself I'm going to change. I clear things out, tidy things up, buy boxes to put things in. And I manage it really well for a couple of weeks and then things start to slip.

Boxes end up empty with things piled on top, laundry baskets sit unemptied, and the Cupboards of Doom get fuller as I stuff everything behind a door so no one can see and I can retain the illusion of tidiness and organisation.

Because in those 2 weeks of change, I haven't really changed as a person. I'm just motivated to hide my true self from myself and others who have to live with me.

We can learn to change behaviours but very few people can change their fundamental self. Even if I force myself to continue with the tidiness and organisation (which I'm currently managing well!), it's a huge constant and ongoing effort with a lot of headspace devoted to it and a lot of effort when I don't want to do it. I'd still be performing it. I'll never actually be a naturally tidy and organised person. Just a facsimile of one.

But I currently put the effort in because its important to me and I want to do it. I wouldn't be able to do it if I was being told to by someone else because it's hard work.

And that is why people say others have to make changes for themselves. If he isn't interested in 'forcing' himself to pretend to be someone else, he won't.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I think in your position (especially if you don’t have young kids) I would use this opportunity to take myself away for two weeks to a month of solo time. Don’t ask permission, just go. This might take some saving for so maybe do it next year, but tell him that’s your plan. He needs to feel the impact of your departure - and if you want to demonstrate just how much you’re carrying without actually ending the relationship then you’re going to need to give yourself a lot of space. Aim for a month away.

This is actually a bit different to the what the OP is taking about. It’s not just messiness it’s the mental load. I imagine you are carrying the mental load in your house even if your DP is naturally more organised

But OP, you’ve done this several times before. It changed nothing. What are you prepared to do this time when it changes nothing?

Is it fair to say you want DH to be more proactive but you don't want to be more proactive yourself?
The status quo mostly suits him now so he has no reason to change. You telling him you are fed up and planning to end the marriage will change the status quo and therefore might bring on a change in him. Or not, in which case you can go ahead with leaving. One of you has to take action.

I think the PP was using the example of her messiness to illustrate that we can make ourselves exhibit different patterns of behaviour, but it doesn’t fundamentally change who we are. And it doesn’t work at all if you just get “told” to change, rather than decide to do so yourself. In other words, the OPs husband is who he is, and he might become more proactive but it will only be a performance of it; it won’t change his true nature.

The relationship does sound difficult. What do you think has changed that is making it intolerable now?

TBH a partner that doesn’t contribute much but also doesn’t demand much can be quite peaceful. Is he self sufficient at least?

It doesn't have to be an argument. Definitely not a loud, shouty one, @maryshelleyyy . But if you are struggling and don't communicate your struggles, nothing will ever change for you, definitely for the better. If anything, it will only get much much worse over time. You owe it to yourself, and the time you invested in your relationship to take a deep breath and have an open, honest conversation. Don't miss this opportunity when it's just going to be the two of you. If you are a mature adult, you can express how you feel clearly... If he is a mature adult, he will engage in the conversation. Both of those things are needed.

I think you are right to ask him to go to therapy to unpick why he is so disengaged but would you feel better if it was couples counselling? Then you get your take on the relationship across to the therapist so they can help you both.

I think you need to make it incredibly clear that you are not sure how long you can tolerate the current situation so counselling is the only way forward.

As you say, he is not going to fundamentally change and you no longer believe him when he says he will. I think the repeated cycle of him actually being the person you need him to be before he checks out again shows you he is capable and could continue if it was important enough.

I know a lot of people say it is easier to be single than in a relationship where you feel alone because the other person, the person who is meant to be a teammate constantly lets you down.

I will tell you that a chap I know initially said the divorce came out of nowhere but then his mates were saying but how many times did she tell you that she was unhappy? How many times did she specifically tell you what she needed from you? Why is it a surprise when she finally left you and now is with someone who will give her those things? He said it was like a punch in the face and he couldn't believe he had been so blind to the situation. When she did walk he suggested counselling, they went but mainly for him to understand how she had come to this point in her life.

I agree about couples counselling. DH and I went on a marriage course several years ago, and it was good just to have one hour per week in which we both knew we were going to discuss our relationship. No one had to bring it up / confront the other person / build up to it etc etc - that time was set aside for us.

before anything make sure you know all the savings and pensions etc details and have photos of any relevant documentation as once hes been tipped off you're unhappy and this time you mean it, he may hide stuff away so he can keep it in the event of a divorce.

make a list of stuff you do.
make a list of stuff he does.
aak him if it’s fair and tell him that youre now considering divorce as youre fed up with his lazy attitude. remind him that if he doesn’t pull his weight in this house that he will have to do all these things himself in his own house after divorce. so it’s up to him. start being proactive and helpful now, which MAY also lead to rekindling the flames of your sex life if you feel loved and cared for again, something thats been sadly lacking in recent years.
or
you can split up and he will still have to do garden, bins, hoovering, beds, toilets, insurances, appointments put into calendars, letters advising things dealt with etc on his own.

So, start now together in this house.
Or, do them alone in his next house without you.
Either way he needs to step up permanently as this two weeks of effort followed by nothing is no longer acceptable, im not your mother or housekeeper. Ive let it slide in the past but no more. this time i really mean it. happy to go to counselling if it will help. do you think im being unfair to expect us to do half the admin and chores each?

discuss.

As a PP said I'd be looking to point out the link between this and your lack of interest in sex, given you say that it is something that bothers him. If he understands that him being more proactive would help your desire, perhaps that might motivate him?

Also, have you made any proactive efforts to change your lack of interest in sex? It isn't about sex - it is about reciprocity.

Tbh, if her lack of interest in sex is due to a lack of emotional connection or his lack of presence in the relationship, I think it's a bit of a dodgy area to be suggesting she is the one to make more of an effort sexually.

She'd have to force herself to have sex with someone she doesn't feel inclined to have sex with.

From what you've said I don't think there's any point in having a conversation with the aim of changing him.

People often want another person to change but are unwilling to change themselves and I think this is one of those situations.

If you are not happy in the relationship you should leave it, rather than asking him to change his fundamental character to make you happy. I think that instead, you should simply say that you are unhappy in the relationship and you are are looking into separation.

That way, any response from him will be off his own back. He may say ok, he may ask questions, he may just shrug,. But, crucially this would be coming from him, not dragged out of him by you.

How he responds would be your starting point.

But if you have no intention of separating then it's largely pointless trying to have the conversation in the first place.

True but we don't know which it is. It could also be him withdrawing because of the lack of physical intimacy.. Emotional and physical intimacy are intertwined....