Husband MH affecting kids

[EMDRwife]

My husband has completely unravelled since starting EMDR. TBH our relationship wasn’t in a great place before he started. He had breakdown 7 weeks ago and I really supported him (his family didn’t want to know). Now it’s been thrown back in my face and if I don’t show him the correct amount of care I am unkind etc etc. I’m done and consulted a solicitor this week. He reckoned, with my husbands recent behaviour I would have a chance at sole custody for overnights (I am most worried about this as he has terrible fatigued and has fallen asleep multiple times when caring for them).

My eldest has started to show some signs of anxiety (understandably, they have witnessed so much over the last few weeks and months). Tonight they were sobbing complaining of chest pain but managed to calm him down and he seemed better. My husband then comes home and as soon as I am out of earshot, tells my son he has to leave and we have to sell our house. My son was in bits and I had to spend time with him afterwards calming him down again.

Has anyone navigated this sort of situation before with a toxic partner who is not regulated and burdening the children? We have such a long road ahead of us and I am so concerned that he will do more damage to them

Is your husband violent?

No. It’s more the damage he does with his words and how unpredictable he can be. Why do you ask?

Would you be willing to say what his PTSD is in relation to, broadly?
Was he previously (before you got married/had kids) very different to now?

Your poor ds. That's awful to be told that. It's not sounding like a stable environment for him.

EMDR is hard. There will be times when your partner won’t be able to care for the kids BUT EMDR can be very effective and the results can be seen quickly.
Is this his first breakdown?

He was sexually abused as a child and never dealt with it.

We met in 2007 and his behaviour changed when he was treated for a heart problem, co-inciding with my first pregnancy. It made him more anxious, he started to secretly drink etc etc. We gsd counselling, had ups and down but a steady decline in past 3 years. He got to top of an NHS waitlist for therapy and started this in autumn. Shit show since

He has been having EDMR since autumn though, and things have become so much worse. He is totally disregulated and has developed very obvious tics in past month. His psych referral was rejected, I urged him to seek private care (I said we could afford it). He told me this week that he doesn’t need it, the tics were due to our marriage and which point the last thread of hope I had vanished. Whilst I feel for him, I can’t sacrifice mine and children’s sanity watch him self destruct

Not first one; he had one in 2021 when i was 6 weeks PP with DS2

I really think he needs to leave the house . Rent somewhere and deal with his issues. Being in a family situation might be making him worse. It's certainly crucifying your family.

But I can’t make him? I tried to get him to spend time at his parents in the past few weeks to give us all a break but he refused. I think he is going to do all he can to make this as hard as possible, even if the kids pay the price. He is so angry and bitter but I think it’s misdirected

His parents have a self contained flat on the grounds of their house, I asked him to go there so he could have peace and the children could be in their home but he refused so I had to take them to my mums for a few days at the start of this more recent acute situation

Can his parents talk some sense into him?

the day his breakdown happened I create a what’s app group with his immediate family to sound the alarm as he was saying he was suicidal and I was told by his mum that she understood he was down about our relationship but that he loves his children so couldn’t be suicidal. And if he wanted to come to them they could collect him from a station local to them. They live 90 mins away and haven’t bothered to come and see us, or haven’t reached out to me since that day. They weren’t aware of the SA which happened because they were too busy playing badminton to actually concern themselves about the wellbeing of their 9year old. At this point I want absolutely nothing to do with them

If he wasn’t so vile I would feel sorry for him as he really has nobody that gives a shit in his life.

my saving grace is that my mum has been absolutely incredible to me by picking up some of childcare responsibilities. I am trying to work FT alongside all of this

I think my advice is that you should leave. It might be possible to reconcile when he is healed but he is not able to be a parent or a partner right now and your duty is to protect your children from his spiralling behaviour

Leaving is your only option if he refuses to leave the house. You have to remove yourself and your children from his unreasonable, destructive behaviour.

If you decide that divorce is necessary then file quickly and start the ball rolling. The sooner you can extricate yourself the better, then you can start building a better life.

Concentrate only on yourself, your kids, and maintaining consistency. Leave your husband to his own devices. There is nothing you can do and he is not your responsibility. His mental state is like a black hole that will suck in and destroy everything in its orbit.

Thank you. So challenging as the children love their home. I also worry that leaving the property means I lose occupational rights? All of our money is tied up in the house. We also have an investment flat and ideally I think we should serve notice on the tenants and he moves into there but I know he would rather I sell the house even if it means more costs and more disruption to the children

I think too much has happened to ever be able to reconcile. Taking this step is huge for me, I can’t imagine stepping back into a relationship ever again. I just want me and my boys safe and thriving

Don't worry about the house. You have to side-step every obstacle he puts in your path. Just get out and get legal advice. Kids are adaptable and resilient. So long as you remain their rock, they'll be fine with you wherever you are living. Remember you are being given no choice but to leave the family home because of his behaviour. It may turn out that you can apply for an occupation order and force his hand.