How to handle husband reverting to old patterns with his parents

[Lovingaloser]

NC for this.
DH staying with PIL for a month (new job) - we haven’t relocated yet so this kind of works.PIL are in late 80s no health issues, v comfortably off, lots of leisure activities, etc. V happy to have him but history of being manipulative / controlling / demanding with all 3 DC and adult DGC - apron strings still firmly fixed and both foul tempered if their expectations aren’t met! At a distance, he can hold boundaries. I’ve no friends or family locally. Last week, I asked if he’d be ok calling me w/out causing a drama - no problem DH said.
Just called him - he was behaving like he had left a sink overflowing! He’d run upstairs to take my call and couldn’t get away fast enough. I made him stop and calm down to explain what was happening. DH said he’s ’too stressed trying to please DP’ and me. Reminded him that I am his wife. He dashed off to be with them. No idea how to handle this. Apols for the long post.

Tbh I find it hard to believe he will ever put me first despite promises over the years. He still (at 60) cuddles up with his DM on the sofa.

How long have you been married? Sounds like a long time so surely you just have to rise above it as it's not going to change now!

He's sixty. This is who he is, no reason to believe his fake promises.
If the marriage doesn't serve you, you have choices, but hoping this man will change after so many decades is only going to end in disappointment.

Just message him while he's there, and let him ring you back when they're not with him. If they don't get to see him much now, he and they probably want to spend most of the time speaking with them. Even though you say they've no health issues, at that age they are quite likely to be worrying about some, or starting with some soon.

😮😮😮

15 years. I’m number 3.

What are the PILs doing that is that bad?

I winced a bit at that. Why did the previous wives not stick around?

@Naurrr
No 1 had MH difficulties, No 2 left him - he didn’t prioritise her either.

Maybe they found the 60 year old cuddling with him 80 something mum on the sofa a bit cringe??! Warm hugs and affection, I get but cuddling on the sofa?

MIL didn’t like wife 2 and doesn’t like me.Wife1 was easier to manipulate and provided DGC but he left her as ‘couldn’t deal with her problems’.

Probably better to focus on yourself and your future peace and happiness than analysing that lot.

Just tried messaging him but looks like I’m blocked or he’s turned his phone off as it hasn’t been delivered.

The cuddling thing is a bit cringy.

Maybe you just caught him at a bad moment? Just tell him to ring you when he's free to chat! It sounds like you're letting the fact that you don't like your PIL colour your thinking.

He doesn’t do the cuddling up in front of me since I told him how weird it is.

I did try to like them at first - had no reason not to. Then, very soon afterwards, they started trying to control everything and to come between us. They made it v clear that it’s (their) family first. Last encounter with them ended badly when I politely requested MIL stop sharing my medical worries with a neighbour. She became hysterical while DIL commanded me to ‘get back to the table immediately’ when I, again very politely, excused myself after all the hysteria. So, naturally, I went off them!

How do you feel about moving closer to his family?

Nice - so he didn’t prioritise wife number 1 either, then? So much for in sickness and in health.

i appreciate that 15 years is a long time to have invested in this relationship but presumably any children of yours are adults now so what are you gaining from this man baby relationship at this stage? He’s certainly not going to change.

@User3936493947 Quite, I have challenged him on that too. He is spineless and doesn’t know how to support anyone but himself and his parents. We both have adult DC but, thankfully, none together.
I gave up my house and moved country to be with him. I’d always planned to downsize and use the spare equity to fund my retirement (only state pension) but now my fund is devalued in the current housing market so while I could buy a home, I wouldn’t have much to live on. I’ve become oddly accustomed to him and do still feel affectionate towards him (when he’s being nice) although am aware that his love is somewhat limited.

@PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich I couldn’t bear it!! I don’t think he could either tbf.

So you're not relocating to the area he's staying in now with his parents? Why is he stopping with them now then?

I'd be making long term plans without him. Looks like really you are dw number 4..

@PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich His work is in the UK and he can commute twice a week from the PILs’ home. Eventually, we’d prefer to live further away from the PILs on the other side of the city where his office is based.

Sorry but handle your husband sounded controlling enough for me, and the he couldn't get away quick enough, are you sure the problem isn't you lol and the call me without drama hmmm lot of questionable things tbh