Feeling invisible and irrelevant 😔

[FamilyDysfunctions]

If anyone replies to this, please bear in mind I'm at a very low ebb.

I am in my early 50s. When I was in my late teens I met a woman (similar age) I became really close friends with. We were friends through our 20s but then life got in the way, we both moved areas and lost touch.

We've recently become reacquainted and it's clear that our friendship is as good as it ever was - which is lovely and the friendship is very important to both of us. This post refers to her but only really as a reference point. It's not about her.

When we were younger, we were very similar in many ways (we still are!) but she was always more confident and has a stronger personality than me and I always felt I existed in her shadow rather than being relevant in my own right.

I've always struggled with life really mainly due to a very dysfunctional upbringing and, whilst my parents are no longer in my life, I've never really escaped the feeling of not being good enough and it's a feeling that has been consistently reinforced throughout my life at work, in friendships (or lack of them) and relationships. It's continued to affect my confidence and sense of self hugely.

I'm educated and in a professional career but working well below my potential; I was a single parent for most of my adult life and I have very few friends. I suppose I just feel I've always existed in the shadows and, whenever I've tried to step out into the light, it's never really worked and there's always been someone ready to criticise so the shadows have always felt safer.

I have a partner of 5 years. When we met, we met through a hobby and it was one of the things that he said he found attractive about me. However, he made a couple of comments that left me feeling that I wasn't good enough and I stopped doing it. I feel like the only thing he found attractive about me has now gone. Maybe I was wrong about him finding it attractive in the first place? I've had similar messages from previous boyfriends and strangers - comments were mainly around my appearance/visuals rather than competency. I don't do it at all anymore. I wasn't strong enough to ignore the constant scrutiny and being criticised. My friend and I shared this hobby.

My friend now works and is successful in the same field as our shared hobby. My partner obviously admires her for her achievements and understandably so (I'm also very proud of her). But he's also said a couple of things that make me feel that even he sees her as 'better' than me. It's hard to hear him admire and be impressed by someone when I wasn't good enough.

But she is also associated with a time in my life that was very hard and having her in my life again is bringing up all the feelings I had about myself at the time that have never really.gone away.

I just hoped that if I worked hard, worked on myself, forged out a quiet life and raised my children well, I'd be able to leave some of the shit behind but I haven't. It's always there. There's always someone telling me I'm not quite good enough.

We went away a few weekends ago and she was complimented all weekend by strangers - men and women (no joke! 😁) and I was just back to existing in the shadows. I was invisible just as I've always been.

This isn't about her. I love her and I'm so proud of her. But it has highlighted to me just how little value and worth I have. And how little I matter to anyone. There's no one in my life (probably other than her) who sees me or has ever truly 'seen' me.

Unfortunately, this has coincided with issues at work where I'm being pushed out because my face no longer fits (no concerns whatsoever about my practice or conduct at work and I've passed PM with flying colours every year but its not enough) and feeling irrelevant in my relationship generally.

Its a bit of a jumble because its a whole life issue and not one problem. I don't have a question. I just feel completely unremarkable and irrelevant. I've become very small. I'm not really worth anything to anyone.

And I don't have the confidence to change it.

Shit partner needs to go. Do you want your remaining years being made to feel like this by him? Think about how will he be if you became disabled or infirm.

It's not about her. She's actually a really encouraging and supportive person generally.

She sees me very differently to the way I see myself and I can't see the person she does. I also think she's overly optimistic!

It's not about her though.

I didn't want to cut and run, although I don't have any practical advice...I was a bit like this. Only child, very quiet,shy. Always wanted to be a nurse , late f wanted me to join the police (I didn't grow tall enough) become a journalist, because English language and literature were my best subjects. I wrote a book and poems as a child and teenager, late f said id copied them,I hadn't. He died 20 years ago, right to the end, didn't like my choice of career"Are you still doing THAT job?" I was involved in some of his eol care,he had re married. DM died almost 40 years ago, then his second wife. He was rude about our (last house) didn't know how I could beat to live in something so small..I think somehow you have to make peace with yourself and decide you are good enough for yourself. I can knit,sew, grow most things. Make pretty amazing cakes. I tried MY best,it probably wasn't everyone else's best

Everyone's jumping to your partner being a shit here but I'm not sure that's the case. It's pretty clear that you don't take criticism (or what you perceive as criticism) well, and you've done enough work to realise that the root of that is your childhood and parents.

But understanding the root of it doesn't mean you've dealt with it. Most people wouldn't quit a hobby they loved because of their partners criticism, even it they outright said they were crap at it.

I know therapy is an easy thing to suggest, but I really do think it would be helpful in this case. It's not anyone elses opinions of you that are the real issue here, but your own feelings of a lack of self-worth.

what was she getting complimented on? I’m genuinely puzzled here as I never complemented random strangers!

VimesandhisCardboardBoots

You are right.

I don't see that therapy will help anymore.

I've had therapy many times. It hasn't ever made a significant difference.

This is just who I am now.

The whole point is that it wasn't just my parents and its not just him who has said things. It's been constantly reinforced.

Her appearance.

She was stopped twice by women who passed us in the street, twice by women who approached her in a bar and one man who just stopped to tell her she looked amazing and then went on his way.

What can I say? It happened. I was there! I'm not reporting something she told me. I witnessed it.

I think it must happen quite often because she seemed a bit uncomfortable, despite being very gracious, and said she never knows what people expect her to say.

😂 well she must be one hot lady!

Anyway op I hope you manage to stop giving so much thought to feeling inferior- you are just as deserving as anyone else

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Stop comparing yourself to the (perceived) successes of others. Think about what would make YOU happy and what changes you could make to make yourself feel better - restarting that hobby or a wardrobe refresh or a little solo holiday or whatever - and just do it.

Too often we are feeling inferior comparing ourselves to others whilst simultaneously not realising that they too have their insecurities and problems and bugbears and traumas.

Focus on being amazing you and making yourself happy rather than expecting others to make you happy

Your lack of self belief just stands out so much in your post. I am sorry that your past makes you feel like this. You haven’t said that your partner or friend (or others) actually do say anything about you not being good enough but that is what you take away from what they say. That’s really sad and not what they would want at all (I assume!). Have you talked to your partner about how you interpret what they say?

OP - who is it you think you aren’t good enough for? What does “good enough” mean? There is often not much link between someone’s level of confidence and their level of external achievement. Some of the most successful people got there because they feel so insecure and never feel good enough; many very happy and content people live “little lives” that bring them joy and satisfaction.

You only need to be good enough for YOU. If you like the hobby, do the hobby. It doesn’t matter what your partner thinks of it (although if he’s not supportive of you doing something you enjoy I’d agree with PP you should ditch him). Do you dress in a way that makes you feel comfortable and confident? Then don’t worry what other people think (I’ve never seen anyone compliment a stranger on their appearance in my life, let along had it happen to me, so don’t make that the bar for your success). I’m really sorry if you are being made redundant, that’s knows anyone’s confidence but it happens to lots of people. Sounds like you do know you are good at your job so go get another one.

Sounds like you value your friend very highly - why not ask her what she sees are your positive trains and BELIEVE her when she tells you.

I don't know that this is about your friend or your partner, as you say this is how you are and you're seeing yourself this way whether they support you or not. You've got a belief that you're a certain kind of person and will see anything that reaffirms that. You think you're invisible and irrelevant so that's how you feel. Other people could feel they've had children, partners, this good friend, the hobby (even if you chose to stop doing it) and frame all that to feel relevant and more visible than many a person who doesn't have those things. You know this as you've done all the therapy, so what the solution is I don't know, but it will be a constant job to remind yourself that it's more your perception than objective fact. Your friend is not inherently more fascinating and no one is seeing the overshadowed narrative of your life in the way it feels to you. Maybe start doing things that are different to what you've done in the past if it helps change the story.

I was expecting a reply like this which is why I stated that it wasn't about her. I don't compare myself to her. I'm proud of her and and wasn't in my life for 20 years. It's not me comparing myself to other people.

It's the why can't you be more like [insert whoever] comments. And the you'd look better if... comments. And the why don't you just... comments. And the you could look as good as her if you tried comments. When most people are being told they're fine as they are and they don't need to be like anyone else.

Not just from my partner or just my parents but from everyone my whole life since I was about 7 years old. I'm just invisible to everyone else.

My friend hasn't said anything negative or critical. I think she sees how small I've become over the years and is saddened by it.

I did mention it to my partner once. He just said he didn't mean it 'like that' but couldn't tell me how he did mean it.

I've generally just tried to ignore those sorts of comments from others over the years because I don't want to give people chance to stick the boot in. Most of the time, I just let it wash over me. I've heard it all before. It's nothing new.

It hurt me when my partner did it because I knew him for a few years before we got together and never heard him say anything unkind or critical to or about anyone. He's not even critical of his ex wife.

No, its not about them.

She's not critical. The opposite in fact. She sees a version of me that I don't recognise.

It's not rven about him. I was just disappointed in him that he just fell in to the same patterns as everyone else when I believed him to be a different sort of person. But maybe he was a different sort of person with everyone else.

Like I said, he's never criticised his ex wife and she is not without faults - shes only human.. And he's never criticised his previous girlfriend in any way. So to hear the same suggestions about how I could be better and do better that I've been hearing my whole life floored me.

Have you read or watched ‘my brilliant friend.’ Your post is very similar to the storyline - it may be cathartic to watch it from another angle? I am sorry you are feeling this way.

But it's you who sees these patterns, whether they exist or not. You're hyper alert to them and not to anything that would prove the contrary, as evidenced by your friend seeing a different version of you that you don't recognise. Ultimately you can't judge yourself by how any of these people see you, and most people are caught up in their own stories anyway so will only see you in relation to that.

You've set your story as this overshadowed, smaller, not good enough strand and whether you can do anything to change that is really in your own hands. As therapy hasn't worked, it's hard to know what to suggest but as I mentioned, the one thing you know hasn't worked is what you've been doing to date, so doing new and different things may be one way to create a new pattern. Even something as small as starting a new hobby or whatever feels out of character for you. Or if you don't want to and want to be 'enough' as you are then okay, but it doesn't sound like that's making you happy. Maybe that's all his suggestions are about - you're not happy and people are casting around trying to help but getting it wrong and you're taking it as proof to make you even less happy.

Everyone. Anyone. I don't know. If I'd heard it once, fair enough but it's been the only constant narrative of my life.

I don't dress in a way that makes me feel comfortable and confident, no. Not always. Sometimes but i feel worse when i do. I've generally just made myself small and non descript.

I'd rather be invisible and non descript than draw negative attention to myself.

I'm tired of trying to be strong and tired of trying to prove myself. Tired of fighting back and pushing through when it never gets me anywhere.

Do you think he's actually different with you? Or do you think maybe you're picking up on things he says about you that you wouldn't perceive as critisisms about someone else?

For instance. I truly believe I'm a crap cook, despite others telling me I'm not. I've got a real blind spot about it and I know it,

So if DP and I went for food round a friends house, and on the way back we were talking about the food and DP said "I really enjoyed it, I'd have preferred just a little bit more spice though", then I'd take that at face value, and believe her that she enjoyed the meal.

But if she said exactly the same words about something I've cooked then I'll instantly be thinking "Fuck, she hated it, it was horrible wasn't it. Christ, I'm a shit cook, I just shouldn't bother any more"

I don't quit, because I know it's a me issue, and that my insecurity is a complete overreaction to what was said. But I can imagine that if you feel like that about any criticism at all, it could be really hard to see the wood from the trees.

It's only on MN do I ever read about random people coming up to women and telling them how wonderful they look. Are you sure they weren't actually people who knew her and/ or had ulterior motives for buttering her up?

I do really empathise with this feeling of being invisible and being not good enough. Because of my upbringing, emotional neglect and unsupportive and unloving parents this is what I'm like. And i'm also very very critical of everything I do.

What i find has helped me is to cut myself off from people who make me feel bad about myself - as your partner and this woman do. No matter how much you say you like her i don't think having someone in your life who constantly reminds you of your perceived lack of self worth is doing you any good at all.

And the other thing is to find something, no matter how small a thing, that you know you can do well and immerse yourself in that. My things I'm good at are irrelevant to other people but me knowing I'm good at at them does help my confidence.

I do try and tell myself what other people think about me doesn't matter. And of course that's true.

You are a human being and of equal value as everyone else.

Edited to say sorry @BiteSizeByzantine
I didn't mean to quote you and I can't edit the quote out.