Can anyone relate to being the daughter who helps and gets criticised?

[GreenwayHouse]

I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this. I couldn’t find a families thread.

I overheard my mum on the phone with my brother (who lives on the other side of the world) this morning and she was complaining about how I was bossy. This has upset me. I live two hours away and I’ve come down to drive her to a hospital appointment this afternoon for her cancer treatment. I do this every three weeks. It was her birthday last week and it was a big milestone. As she’s been ill for years, I didn’t think she would get that far and I did all the organising and did my best to make the day special for her. My younger brother, who doesn’t live that far away, did absolutely nothing.

I come down regularly, take her to appointments, help look after another relative too, shop, cook every night for her when I’m here so she’s gets a good meal, do admin and other jobs and I am working full-time. She never complains about my brothers - they can do no wrong.

I was just after some reassurance that this is fairly normal with mothers/sons as I’m feeling pretty hurt (and this isn’t the first time it’s happened). I have to be a bit bossy sometimes so that I can plan my time and my job and annual leave as otherwise my mum would just leave things till the last minute and I can’t do that with working etc.

My mum can be hard work so I do have to bite my tongue and be patient. She has a friend who has a very bossy daughter and she once said, in front of me, to this woman that she knew exactly what it was like!

An old friend of my mum’s came down last year to stay and told me at the end of the trip that she was quite angry at how my mum spoke to me and how my mum thinks my brothers can do no wrong when I’m the one there helping.

Can anyone else relate? Just need to know I’m not on my own!

Why are you putting up with this op? You don’t need to, you know. Step back. If you want to continue that’s fine, but it is not compulsory, you have a choice. No one, including your mum or brothers, are going to thank you for being a martyr..

I have a friend who has an older and a younger brother and she does everything for her parents. The brothers do very little and yet get praised for the slightest thing, whereas my friend does loads and gets moaned at for being bossy etc. I think it's very often the way 😔 my sister cares for my mum who has a life limiting condition and my mum complains that she is bossy (she is quite bossy to be fair 😂) and my sister complains that my mum is uncooperative and demanding (there's some truth in this too!) I visit and do as much as I can, I'm a full time carer to my disabled adult son, so I get to listen to it from both of them and try and keep the peace!

The boys are golden balls in their mums eyes. They would only have to stir a cup of tea. 🙄🙄 just laugh it off. Don’t let her speak to you badly though you don’t deserve that.

Because she would struggle if I didn’t help. Her eyesight is bad and she is very frail. My younger brother has to be at his place of work whereas I can work from home and can be flexible. What would you do? Just leave her to make her own way to hospital appointments etc?

Bossy is not related to what you do for her. SIL lives abroad and so wasn’t really able to help out but she is incredibly bossy. You can be doing an awful lot and be bossy. The two are far from being mutually exclusive however I think your mother should absorb a bit more of your foibles given how much you do for her.

Yes, totally!

That sounds tricky! It is difficult. I don’t think my mum realises how much I have to plan when I come down to take her.

Thank you. I try not to be bossy. I think she’s just decided to give me that label and it’s stuck. She’s always wanting to leave things to the last minute and I can’t do that with work now. I was working part time until recently so I could help her and my dad (who died) but I’ve had to go full time at work again (not my choice) so my time is limited now. Plus I live two hours away.

She should know better than insult you then.

So really you are saying you are overloaded and just trying to push things along. Tell her that and remind her that even though you are overloaded you are still prioritising her needs.

Very similar situation here. Second doing what you can are happy with and put yourself first (no one else will). I’ve tried saying: “Maybe [insert brother’s name] can do that this time, I think he’d love to help out more.”
Or: “Can you ask [_], this time.”

You must be consistent with this, if she responds with: “oh but he’s busy” have a suitable response. Keep saying it. Eventually she will get the message.

It helps to rehearse these and have various threads to pull for reasons why you can’t help (work, appointments, ill health, holidays, exhaustion).

It is hurtful when parents behave like this, deep down they know what they’re doing and they are hurt themselves from the lack of attention from your siblings.

My MIL regarded me as bossy, and told DH that. What she actually meant was that I held my own, said No to her on occasion, and refused to let her bully me.

I did help her out, often, with shopping, lifts, pick up etc, but for example, would not cancel my own plans or obligations because she had a whim or was disorganised.

It sounds as if your mum is taking you for granted and not realising how much effort you put in to help her.

I realise that you want to continue to help her, but I would be making myself less available , just enough so she notices your absence.

Thank you. Yes, I do say that from time to time. I don’t think she quite gets it. I’m in a new job too (four weeks in) so can’t just drop everything and do things for her at the last minute like I could in my old job.

I did a search on Mumsnet and I think it is fairly common with mothers/sons, unless I’m making a huge generalisation!

All the men in my family of origin were very important men with very important lives and women were there for everything else.
I looked after both of my parents and believe me there wasn’t a male relative who could help because they were very important.
My dad’s sister was the matriarch and it was her USP - of course Brian/George/Paul can’t help they have very important things to do.
I can remember I was lying in the back of an ambulance once and this auntie rang me - how dare you be in ambulance when you should be caring for your dad? How dare you need a hysterectomy, well, I’m sorry you’ll have to wait until he’s died because you can’t possibly have one while he’s still here!
And it’s the same for every female friend who has been a carer, past and present and we could fill bookshelves with our war stories.
The one which wins the prize every time is my friend Anna’s. She was sitting in yet another hospital with her mum, June. No other family, Anna had given up her job and moved back in with her mum.
A very kindly nurse asked Anna about her life and she told her about her fabulous job she still missed - she thought June was asleep.
And the nurse commented that hopefully Anna could get back to it one day.
June was awake and replied that of course Anna wouldn’t do that. ‘When I die she will have nobody so I should imagine she will kill herself as she will have nothing left to live for!’
Anna is now thriving by the way. RIP June. And yes I’m being sarcastic as she was not a nice woman.

Hell yes tell me about it @GreenwayHouse. I love Greenway house btw ❤️.
You have to grow a very thick skin and let the barbs go over your head , invariably at least in my case it was because they were guilt ridden because the golden boys and their wags did nothing of course 🙄 . How awful for her to see they don't care enough to do anything for her .Your hands are tied l am sorry to say. l wish it wasn't so .
There's a thread here called we took you to stately homes if you feel you need to get some more support from ppl who have been treated like you are .

Thanks @Dearg
I like your approach and am going to start doing that. If it means I can’t take my mum out somewhere, then so be it.

I have a big birthday coming up and I just want to spend it on my own this year as that always seems to be about other people as well! I am already thinking of excuses as to why I need to be at home for it!

She should be more grateful then shouldn’t she. I helped my mum out but there was no way I was putting up with any shit. If she was rude, I left her to it. You will continue to get what you will accept op.

I’d tell her not to speak about me or to me like that.

You say she’s bossy, she’s saying you’re bossy, you probably both are op, you’re under pressure (especially in hospitals and around all the awful aging responsibilities) you do so much for her and there’s no way anyone will do all of ghat without snapping or bossing- my sister is that way to my mum, as am I, she’s the same back to us! I’m sure she is very grateful, life is probably just hard and she doesn’t realise she’s taking you for granted.

Purplecatshopaholic
Why are you putting up with this op? You don’t need to, you know. Step back. If you want to continue that’s fine, but it is not compulsory, you have a choice. No one, including your mum or brothers, are going to thank you for being a martyr..

People don’t need to help family but sometimes family need help. If we all have up on people because they were grumpy when they’re in the shits the world would be a much worse place. We all help my mum out because she always helped us. She’s older, finds it tough and we’re all on edge because we’re exhausted and worried, but we don’t just take a step back. And the word martyr should be wiped- helping people out doesn’t make you a martyr and you can hope for thanks but not need it to keep going

i dont like the martyr idea either. Even if you’re acting out of guilt you’re helping someone who needs help. Which is kind of you but it’s always going to be a finite resource. You are just one human person. So make sure that you put your own oxygen mask on first. You can’t facilitate everything for your mum. Definitely not on your own.
Has there been a social care assessment?

Think what would help you to have done at home that then frees you up and tell your brothers to do those things for you if they don’t want to do things to help your mum directly.

It’s possible that your brothers don’t feel much allegiance because your mum wasn’t that close with them or perhaps she has made them think caring work is just for women to do. Have they done equal work as their partners to care for their own kids?
You can set them straight as a sibling about what’s required and if they don’t want to engage they need to help in other ways. Pay for a cleaner for your mum for example.

A lot of women of elderly age are dealing with huge internalised misogyny. Daughters get chastised by those kinds of mothers because really they want to see care and love coming from the men and sons that they have put on a pedestal and value over the women in their lives. I have seen it happen that unfortunately those mothers have reaped what they’ve sown- raising emotionally closed off men who see anyone’s vulnerability (female or male) as beneath them and frightening.
So these men might shy away from it, or get angry about it. They absolutely can’t be gentle, present and loving or whatever it is their elderly mum is looking for from them. Long since trained out of them. Hopefully not the case here.

not directly, but my DW is in your situation.

does more than anyone else, but also gets the most abuse (and it is abuse).

BIL just detaches whenever she starts on him, so she knows not to.

DW would love to be able to, but struggles with the guilt when they need so much help - especially her dad (who is not abusive)

DW has got much better at just letting it wash over her, and fighting back when it gets too much.

but neither are really acceptable to have to do.

And it's precisely that kind of doormat attitude that gets you taken for granted.

Tell her you heard her on the phone to your brother and were upset by her describing you as bossy. Suggest that it has made you reflect and you will step back and perhaps share the load with younger brother with him taking some of the responsibility.
Tell her you will arrange a meeting with the 3 of you with your older brother on zoom or telephone. Call their bluff. Responsibilities can then be shared out. Being elderly or ill does not give you the right to be abusive.

Some people think only women should be carers, and are shocked if men work in nurseries/as nurses etc.
Sadly this comes down to only women being expected to care for parents. Maybe this made sense back when women didn't work (and their kids would likely not be little by the time they needed to support parents), but we need to change this-as parents we need to make sure our sons are encouraged to care just as much as our daughters. In the meantime OP, tell your brother about this post. Your mum might be past changing, but he isn't.

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I’m at work so will respond properly later.

Thanks for your reply @Morepositivemum
I don’t like the martyr word either. I recognise that my mum did a lot for me and now I want to help her. I wouldn’t mind so much if my two brothers weren’t walking around with halos over their heads while I get the criticism and yet I’m the one who does the most. I’ve had friends say to me that they wouldn’t do what I do for my mum but I couldn’t not. It feels wrong to not help.