Was this sexual assault?

[Someoneelse1990]

I’m married. I shared a bed with a friend (his flat has only one bed) and I woke up with him touching me intimately. I was already close to orgasm and only half awake and I didn’t tell him to stop, and he made me come. Now I’m confused as to whether it was sexual assault because I was asleep when it started, or whether I’m a cheat because I didn’t stop him. I was kinda out of it, partly because of just having woken up and partly due to his actions that I hadn’t consented to, so does my lack of saying no at that point count as consent, or was I incapacitated?

I'm out of this one
Theres no helping some people.

I think you're right, I've been quite naive in retrospect. He has said he's attracted to me, I've said I'm not, and he's promised he won't do anything, and I think I was a bit stupid to trust him. I just really WANTED to trust him, because I do love him as a friend, you know? But realistically I need to be more cynical.

Realistically you need to report him to the Police and break all contact.

Thank you for trying, and I'm sorry if I've upset you. I'm sure you appreciate that these things can feel more complicated than they probably are, which is why I wanted advice. I honestly wanted (and therefore really value) your true opinion, because I KNOW my decision-making is poor and I have trouble seeing things as they really are.

I am certainly going to learn from what you've said, so please don't feel you've wasted your time. It will just need to sink in, and I think soon I'll be strong enough to tell him we're not friends anymore.

Thank you again

I hate this thought, and so automatically my brain wants to reject it, but there's this niggling voice telling me you're absolutely right.

Stupid brain. Why do I find this so difficult? :(

@Someoneelse1990 You've not upset me this guy is no good and a predator.
Take care.

I just want to say thank you to everyone. I do feel quite emotional about how you've supported me, a complete stranger.

I wonder how often people don't report these things, because they make excuses for the person (maybe they don't want to believe they've been so blind as to value someone who would do this) or they're scared they'll lose all their friends, etc etc. I wish more people would ask for help, and then feel supported enough to take action.

Hate it though you may, this man is not
your friend. Although you’ve behaved foolishly, he assaulted you.

I wonder how often people don't report these things

Don't worry, I don't think married women spending the night in male friend's beds, who they know are attracted to them, is all that common, so probably not that much at all.

This post is a whole world of weird. Just don't go and stay with your 'friend'. Do you struggle with boundaries? I don't get how you can be a friend with someone who acts like an opportunistic predator.

Quite!

I'm amazed Op that you didn't recoil in horror when you woke up and realised what was happening? Instead, you let him bring you to orgasm? This doesn't sound right at all!

oh my god, nail on the head right there. Major boundary issues, yes. And people pleasing, and... but yes, I know I have problems, I won't bore you. I didn't realise quite how weird people would find it, but now I know! Gotta work on it...

Have to say i agree with this, why did you let him carry on?!

Oh please do! And think about your poor husband. I don't want to be unkind because you may have had some bad things happen to you in the past. Some are keen to suggest therapy, but at least stay well away from your 'friend'.

I guess a combination of still drunk, half asleep, fear of upsetting him. I won't go into my childhood but there's reasons I tend to let people get away with stuff I shouldn't. I'm working on it.