Feelings of guilt towards elderly parent with a difficult relationship

[Liesmorelies]

I have a distant relationship with my mother, as well as living 3 hours away, and am worried about how this is going to play out as she gets more elderly (she's 80 now) and potentially frail. It's come to a head now as she is having an operation (knee replacement - her second) and I have agreed to her expectation to stay with her for a few days afterwards.

My dad's alcoholism put a distance between the 3 of us in my teens and we have never really discussed it or addressed any issues. I speak to my mum weekly (quite briefly usually) and visit 2/3 times per year, never staying in their house longer than around 3 hours. My dad never drank when I was there as an adult and my mum and I never discuss his drinking but I know it carried on, though he did make it to midway through his 70s, which I never thought he would. As well as his drinking and before it they were quite strict parents and spent a lot of time upstairs when I was growing up. I was an only child and spent most holidays with aunts - it was quite lonely really. The house was also very dirty and messy so I avoided having friends round. I never really felt supported by them - at 18 I went to uni but dropped out and worked for a couple of years then went back. At that point it was made clear that they would not fund me (there were grants but not enough to live on if you had parental support) so I had to pretend we were estranged to get the full financial support I needed.

Anyway, we have limped on and I do get on with my mum, broadly speaking. I know she loves my dc (and me really) and the dc like her - obviously they don't know her that well but she is quite eccentric and they find her a laugh, which she is really - in small doses - and a refreshing change from ex's family, who are more demanding. She did come and stay with us a few times for babysitting purposes when they were little and it did help, though she did very little of a practical nature and a LOT of tv was watched, but it helped us out, of course.

But I am dreading staying in her house. Just dreading it. It's still dirty and I don't want to sleep or shower there, but I'll have to. She has a dog that is not house-trained or properly leash trained and slobbers everywhere. I love dogs and would normally see looking after a dog as a pleasure as I can't have my own, but this one I find quite unappealing. She has asked me to stay 3 nights so I will just have to put up with it, but what if she's not ok for me to leave at that point? I have a job, my teens and cats (I'm divorced), and can't be away indefinitely. And what about the future?Obviously she's only going to get older and frailer. What do people do when they are the only dependant and live a long way from an elderly parent? Her moving in is not an option and not something I think she would want.

And presumably you're going to be with her in hospital, so don't let her be "vague". Tell the hospital what she's going home to. Yes, she won't like it and it'll probably cause a scene, but it's for her own safety and wellbeing.

It's not that 'very out of date' since late MIL got it only three years ago after her joint replacement op.

Yeah this isn’t something many parents consider when they’re making it quite clear at every opportunity how unimportant they think we are. My dad baffled me as he got older. Watching him get rattled that I hadn’t asked him to live with me but realising he couldn’t press it without The Conversation™️ happening was very entertaining. This isn’t going to be a healing opportunity. She is how she behaves and the relationship you have with her is the one she wants.

Good news though. You can find other ‘Mums’ in the older women around you. They may have already noticed you need a mother right now. We’re everywhere ;)

Try organise a neigbhour or friend of hers to call to her daily for a while. Get a cleaner to help you clean the house and ask her to pay for it. Tell her you are not staying otherwise. Then maybe a cleaner every two weeks to keep it reasonably better.

Does your mum have savings? When FIL had his replacement and no one was able to stay with him at the start, he (well DH and SIL) engaged a private carer to come in three times a day to see he was fed / toileted etc. SIL was then able to pop in and visit rather than having to do so the heavy lifting. He was reluctant at first but DH pretty much told him this was happening and he had no choice.

Would it not be better for her to come to you? As for an elderly person being able to manage alone two days after a knee replacement - they won't! I'm in my sixties and had to live with my daughter for several weeks before I could manage.

She’s not going to manage on her own with Just 3 days help after a knee operation! It’s bad enough in your 30’s but in your 80’s it’s a nightmare! You need to tell her now she needs to employ carers to come in and help for at least 6 weeks and this is more help
and time than you can give

OP, sounds like this might be an opportunity for you to talk about many unresolved issues with your Mum. At 80, you might not have much longer with her.
I agree with suggestions to try to get some form of support in place now - a cleaner, a gardener etc. You might be able to get her agreement on the basis that it is a temporary thing while she needs it and as you can't be around to help her in the medium to long term. She may well say no, but just the act of having the conversation may open it up for discussion in the future.

I was in the same position with my mum a couple of years ago after a hip replacement. I spoke to somebody in charge on the ward that she was on during her hospital stay. I told them that my mum would be alone after I left and that she needed someone to come in on a daily basis. They gave me a phone number for adult social care. I called and a woman came the next day and took all my mums details. The following day she had carers pop in three times a day to prepare food, wash her, empty her bins etc. They were all lovely and the service was a real life line. Good luck.