Feelings of guilt towards elderly parent with a difficult relationship

[Liesmorelies]

I have a distant relationship with my mother, as well as living 3 hours away, and am worried about how this is going to play out as she gets more elderly (she's 80 now) and potentially frail. It's come to a head now as she is having an operation (knee replacement - her second) and I have agreed to her expectation to stay with her for a few days afterwards.

My dad's alcoholism put a distance between the 3 of us in my teens and we have never really discussed it or addressed any issues. I speak to my mum weekly (quite briefly usually) and visit 2/3 times per year, never staying in their house longer than around 3 hours. My dad never drank when I was there as an adult and my mum and I never discuss his drinking but I know it carried on, though he did make it to midway through his 70s, which I never thought he would. As well as his drinking and before it they were quite strict parents and spent a lot of time upstairs when I was growing up. I was an only child and spent most holidays with aunts - it was quite lonely really. The house was also very dirty and messy so I avoided having friends round. I never really felt supported by them - at 18 I went to uni but dropped out and worked for a couple of years then went back. At that point it was made clear that they would not fund me (there were grants but not enough to live on if you had parental support) so I had to pretend we were estranged to get the full financial support I needed.

Anyway, we have limped on and I do get on with my mum, broadly speaking. I know she loves my dc (and me really) and the dc like her - obviously they don't know her that well but she is quite eccentric and they find her a laugh, which she is really - in small doses - and a refreshing change from ex's family, who are more demanding. She did come and stay with us a few times for babysitting purposes when they were little and it did help, though she did very little of a practical nature and a LOT of tv was watched, but it helped us out, of course.

But I am dreading staying in her house. Just dreading it. It's still dirty and I don't want to sleep or shower there, but I'll have to. She has a dog that is not house-trained or properly leash trained and slobbers everywhere. I love dogs and would normally see looking after a dog as a pleasure as I can't have my own, but this one I find quite unappealing. She has asked me to stay 3 nights so I will just have to put up with it, but what if she's not ok for me to leave at that point? I have a job, my teens and cats (I'm divorced), and can't be away indefinitely. And what about the future?Obviously she's only going to get older and frailer. What do people do when they are the only dependant and live a long way from an elderly parent? Her moving in is not an option and not something I think she would want.

She could be eligible for care once she is discharged. Will need an assessment, this can go on for 6 weeks under the NHS. Wouldn't be a bad idea to get a cleaner in for a couple of hours a week, at least someone to keep an eye out. She may be eligible for Attendance Allowance which could help fund.

Are you in a position to pay for cleaning? I'd be tempted to pay for a deep clean while she's in hospital and then ongoing pay for a cleaner once a week or do.

And maybe look into local dogwalkers as presumably she won't be fit to take the dog out for a while. A good one might train it a bit.

If you are living so far apart, the main way forward really is to throw money at support for her, whether by convincing her to pay cleaners, dogwalkers and carers, paying for it yourself or getting adult social care involved and seeing what support she can get.

Not sure about cleaners - they tried that once before when they moved to the current house, which is a lot bigger than their previous one and was purchased on the death of my dad's dm following inheritance. To be honest, it annoyed me at the time as their houses have always been, well, shit-holes, so I really didn't see the point of throwing money at an even bigger one. Anyway, having a cleaner didn't work then because it was always in too much of a state for a 'normal' cleaner to come in and cope with. Also, I am not going to be throwing my money at it - I am putting two kids who get the minimal loan through uni with no input from ex, who has never contributed financially. DM is better off than me - not loaded but with quite a bit more in savings, no mortgage and no dependants. I don't know what pension she gets on top of state but it's not nothing.

She needs to have a care needs assessment, but won't get one unless you push for it. She'll say to the hospital discharge team that everything is fine, she will be able to manage without any outside help because you will be there to look after her.

So you need to step in here, and tell the discharge team that you live much to far away to be able to provide any support at all, and that you are only going to stay for a couple of days when she first comes home. You will need to be very forthright, and demand that things are put in place before she is discharged to come home.

I believe that legally, she should be entitled to 6 weeks free care on discharge.

Remember these words: 'unsafe discharge' as you will probably need them.

Some of this rings true with me especially the dirty house. My mother lives a lot closer than yours though. I would be saying to her that you can't stay in the house until it's cleaned up. Would she let you clean it if you wanted to? Could your children help to clean it? Would she give them some money if you cleaned it up a bit?
I still sometimes go and clean her house but not that often, she's got a lot worse with age.
Like said above, I would be saying to the hospital that you can only provide support for a short time due to work etc

I have an elderly neighbour with cancer whose family live a long way away and really she needs far more support than she's got.

The family come down for a few days and then go again so she's rotting away on her own, relying on neighbours for help. I don't know if she's not telling the truth to the hospital or adult social care but she's leaning heavily on my elderly parent which concerns me greatly. She has money which she's focused on hoarding as their inheritance instead of paying for assistance. Pisses me off that they're essentially exploiting my parent's good nature.

You need to get something set up for her and be thinking ahead for if/when her health deteriorates.

She may well be eligible for attendance allowance. Re cleaners, we got a company to come in to do a one off industrial clean for our DB. Now they come in once per month. AA can pay towards that.

I don't think you want to do this. It's unfair of her to ask. She's been a poor parent and no one should have to stay in those conditions that she chooses to live in. Do you feel you can't say no? I would, but the most I would do is stay elsewhere and visit to help for a few hours. She will be entitled to 6 weeks of care post discharge, as a PP said.

It's fine just to be clear that any help you can offer in future will be organising care and coordinating, if you're willing to do this, and not hands on. It's also okay to say you will only do this if the house is made sanitary and functional. It's also okay not to involve yourself at all.

I felt very sad reading your post. They really weren't there for you. Now she wants your help but all on her terms. You have your own life to live. You owe your mum nothing.

My mum who is only slightly younger has had a knee replacement fairly recently. 3 days of staying with your mum is very kind of you under the circumstances.
However just be aware she will quite likely struggle until the staples are removed from her knee as she will not be able to bend it properly so movement will be difficult and standing to cook could quite likely be difficult. Also getting up and down stairs will be tricky.

my mum hates being in hospital so told discharge team that I was having her which I did but I found it quite a lot of care. Bringing her drinks, food , helping her shower and dress. She could only wear very loose fitting trousers. She didn’t make it to the toilet a few times due to slow walking with her zimmer frame.
i would definitely let the discharge team know she will need extra support as you can only stay a short timeI . Good luck OP.

Thanks all, and for the insight about the operation @Basilandparsleyandmint. She is very much playing down the whole thing and insisting it will be fine. She had the other one done last year or the year before so presumably knows what she is talking about and apparently that one was a complicated one and this one is a 'bog standard' knee replacement, if that is a thing? She has pointed out that she did pretty much everything in the house from day one or two last time as 'You know your dad,' which is true - he will have done fuck all. I will have to be very straight with her that I can't stay longer than 3 days and make that clear to the hospital too and perhaps see what they say.

I would request that the home is assessed before discharge, OP, as this will flag up much wider safeguarding concerns.

That does make sense but she will be highly resistant to that @bigboykitty .

Could she stay with you in your house ? Otherwise bring all your own bedding , have a shower elsewhere if you can go home . Or just suck it up for three days .

I'm sure. It's very difficult. There are safety responsibilities around discharge though, and it's not your job to manage the consequences of your parents' choices about how to live. I'm not being mean. You have a lot on your plate already and I really feel like I want to pull you away from this mess. I don't want you to get further sucked in.

Thank you so much for these kind words. I am going to have to be straight with her I think - the problem is, we have managed this far by never discussing anything real and never being honest!

She should be entitled to "re-enablement", this can be arranged before she is discharged from hospital, usually via the discharge/hospital social work team. It will give her up to 6 weeks of at-home support/care post discharge. You can then hopefully see your 3 days with her as essentially more general support rather than care, and knowing she will still be cared for when you leave will hopefully alleviate some of the guilt (and reduce her ability to emotionally blackmail you to stay longer, if she is inclined to do so).

Could you get power of attorney? Now would be a good time to discuss it with her. If she ever loses capacity to make decisions over cleaning, hoarding etc. you will be able to tackle such issues and pay for them from her resources.
For the upcoming visit, you could make it a condition that there is a deep clean done, preferably before you stay.

Most areas have a rehab team who will visit post op. They will aim to get your Mum back to her normal routines. This will be oganised post op.
Please don't say you are going to be there. The rehab team at the hospital will organise this.

This is very out of date information. Nobody is 'entitled' to 6 weeks free care anymore and it would not be an 'unsafe discharge' as everybody that has an elective knee or hip replacement under the NHS is assessed by occupational therapists and physiotherapists on a formal care pathway. They will only be discharged once they can get on and off the bed themselves, toilet independently/personal care and do stairs safely if they need to at home. Any equipment to assist this will be provided. If they were unable to do this independently then appropriate provisions would be put in place such as temporary carehome placement or carers so really @Liesmorelies you do not need to stay if you don't wish to! Online shopping might be useful or whatever is available locally in the way of meals, some do a hot meal service others just use readymeals/Wiltshire farm foods type companies.

The ward OT will be happy to speak to you of any concerns and if you tell them that you are unable to assist post discharge they are the ones who would say that a patient needs some temporary help at home, but only if they are unable to manage independently, and it is financially assessed after an initial time frame (not automatically 6 weeks free care, we are no longer allowed to say that).

I would talk to the hospital now re your concerns on your mother’s discharge post op. I would not stay with her in her home under any circumstances and what does she expect you to do in those 3 days anyway?.

It was most unfair of her to ask you given you have dc yourself and a job (which I presume)you’re having to take annual leave for in order to care for her. Do not give up your annual leave for her, start saying no this does not work for me .

She was not a a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed. I’d be handing you a copy of Toxic parents by Susan Forward. Deal with your feelings of fear obligation and guilt re your mother through therapy.

As predicted I spoke to her this morning and she has said she will be ''vague' with the hospital staff about her living circumstances. She says she did the same last time as, though df was alive, he wouldn't have done any caring. That's true, but at least he was there and would have got help had she fallen, for example. She does say she has neighbours and friends who have offered to help but that doesn't help if she falls at home when no one is there to know.

It's next week so I can't really pull out now. I'm not taking annual leave - I'm a teacher so there's no such thing, but luckily the operation is on Friday with discharge on Saturday if all goes well, so I'm going after work Friday and back on Monday - I've been granted a personal day for it. I know when I arrive on Friday evening I'll be greeted by a conservatory full of dog mess as the poor thing will have been locked in all day. Apparently I'm best off just letting him in the garden as he's so bad on the lead, but no garden after 8pm as it gets taken over by foxes - ffs.

I have been very clear now that I will definitely be leaving on Monday and she has said she knows there are agencies you can call on if needed, so that's something. However, my worry is if it gets to Monday and I don't feel right leaving her what do I do then? I can't just leave her to it realistically, but I can't really stay either.

Contact adult social services.

You need to put something in place before Monday, there’s no use in taking chances with it.