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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh constantly derails conversations over details and nothing gets resolved

65 replies

Mauveviolet · 12/06/2026 11:59

Every single day I have a conversation that runs something like this ‘I think we should look at that house I saw on rightmove the other day the one with the red door and nice front garden with the green car out the front because it’s probably going to sell quickly’ and he’ll reply like this ‘which house? Which one are you talking about?’ And I’ll say ‘it’s the only house we’ve seen on Rightmove for the last month don’t you remember it’ and he’ll say something like ‘we haven’t seen a house on Rightmove with a red door or a green car. Do you mean the one with the rose front door and the teal car out the front but that was on zoopla so no it can’t be that one’. Then he’ll do something like sip his coffee and look away.

shit conversation example but every single conversation I have with him runs like this, today I’ve just had to sit on the bed and sigh into my pillow as the conversation is more important than the above and I need a resolution and answer that affects our dc and he’s acting like a toddler that can’t understand me on anything I’m saying.

Feels like every conversation I have I have to explain everything in great detail or he doesn’t understand or unless I give the facts exactly the way he imagines them I cant possibly be speaking about anything he can recall except I can’t always guess how he’s imaging things.

im so tired of it all. We get nothing sorted because by the time ive finished explaining that it does in fact appear that the house he’s thinking of may actually be the very same house after all in spite of him believing it had a teal car not a blue one I’m too exhausted to sort out everything that needs to be sorted.

I’ve asked him to just run with what I say because then life would probably go smoother and tasks will get done more quickly but he still insists on these mini ‘actually’ moments. He also likes to explain things I already know a lot, simple things that pretty much everyone has to know I really feel like I can’t take it any more.

OP posts:
Feralbookworm · 12/06/2026 12:04

This kind of reminds me of my hormonal teenage daughter!! “Will you pick your shoes up and take them to your room….they aren’t shoes they are trainers”
so frustrating! From a grown ass man however, I’d have him throttled!! 🤦‍♀️

GreenOpalFruits · 12/06/2026 12:06

My ex did this. He didn't like direct questions particularly about all his money was. Its a deflection and laziness. Now we're separated he sends big long paragraphs if I ask anything about our child. I just don't bother now. Pompous old windbag

Okdokeyartichoke · 12/06/2026 12:06

That’s really frustrating

I have a heavily neurodivergent family, and he sounds like some of my autistic relatives in that need to confirm minor details. NB I’m not attempting to diagnose him, but that communication style is very familiar to me!

The way I deal with it with my nitpicking relatives is:

  • I try to remember that they see the world a bit differently - things that seem like small irrelevant details to me seem like bigger issues to them (they have fantastic attention to detail and are great at lots of things I’m terrible at because of it!). Remembering that they’re seeing things from a different perspective helps me to stay patient with it.
  • Instead of getting dragged into it, I’d open up the house advert and just say “do you remember we looked at this house online? I think we should do a viewing”.
  • sometimes remind them “right, it doesn’t matter to me what colour the car was. Do you want to view it?” so I can try and get my needs also met in the conversation.
gamerchick · 12/06/2026 12:08

My husband does something similar. Every single what should be a simple short communication he wants to turn into a debate. Literally everything. Sometimes you have to think patience.

RubyEspadrilles · 12/06/2026 12:15

Mauveviolet · 12/06/2026 11:59

Every single day I have a conversation that runs something like this ‘I think we should look at that house I saw on rightmove the other day the one with the red door and nice front garden with the green car out the front because it’s probably going to sell quickly’ and he’ll reply like this ‘which house? Which one are you talking about?’ And I’ll say ‘it’s the only house we’ve seen on Rightmove for the last month don’t you remember it’ and he’ll say something like ‘we haven’t seen a house on Rightmove with a red door or a green car. Do you mean the one with the rose front door and the teal car out the front but that was on zoopla so no it can’t be that one’. Then he’ll do something like sip his coffee and look away.

shit conversation example but every single conversation I have with him runs like this, today I’ve just had to sit on the bed and sigh into my pillow as the conversation is more important than the above and I need a resolution and answer that affects our dc and he’s acting like a toddler that can’t understand me on anything I’m saying.

Feels like every conversation I have I have to explain everything in great detail or he doesn’t understand or unless I give the facts exactly the way he imagines them I cant possibly be speaking about anything he can recall except I can’t always guess how he’s imaging things.

im so tired of it all. We get nothing sorted because by the time ive finished explaining that it does in fact appear that the house he’s thinking of may actually be the very same house after all in spite of him believing it had a teal car not a blue one I’m too exhausted to sort out everything that needs to be sorted.

I’ve asked him to just run with what I say because then life would probably go smoother and tasks will get done more quickly but he still insists on these mini ‘actually’ moments. He also likes to explain things I already know a lot, simple things that pretty much everyone has to know I really feel like I can’t take it any more.

Do you think he truly has trouble understanding what you are talking about if you get some of the details slightly wrong/some of the details don't quite fit with what he remembers, or do you think he is doing it to be arsey and prove a point, like a teenager?

corblimeygvnr · 12/06/2026 12:16

Okdokeyartichoke · 12/06/2026 12:06

That’s really frustrating

I have a heavily neurodivergent family, and he sounds like some of my autistic relatives in that need to confirm minor details. NB I’m not attempting to diagnose him, but that communication style is very familiar to me!

The way I deal with it with my nitpicking relatives is:

  • I try to remember that they see the world a bit differently - things that seem like small irrelevant details to me seem like bigger issues to them (they have fantastic attention to detail and are great at lots of things I’m terrible at because of it!). Remembering that they’re seeing things from a different perspective helps me to stay patient with it.
  • Instead of getting dragged into it, I’d open up the house advert and just say “do you remember we looked at this house online? I think we should do a viewing”.
  • sometimes remind them “right, it doesn’t matter to me what colour the car was. Do you want to view it?” so I can try and get my needs also met in the conversation.

I recognise this too. It can be very draining.

Lougle · 12/06/2026 12:18

The example may be too specific, but in that situation, pull up the ad and say 'I think we should view this house'.

If detail is a problem, don't give any. Just say 'We should probably view that house we looked at last month.'

Mauveviolet · 12/06/2026 12:19

@Okdokeyartichoke well today’s example is along the lines of, we need to book an appointment at the new prospective school, do you mind emailing them while I take dc to school. Say something like dc loves sports and they have a big playing field so it looks great and we’d really like to see it.

his answer was ‘is the sports field big? Would it confuse the school if we say it’s big and it’s not really big? Will it make it look like dc doesn’t actually like sports if we think that’s a big field and it’s not a big field’

so once again I’m sorting it myself when I could just do with a break. Or I could be patient but I got back (I have a two hour school run atm) and he was still ruminating over whether or not it’s a big playing field so not sure how long until he decides what he would do about it.

the answer seems to be me doing all the tasks after these debates. I’d honestly rather avoid all debates as they seem so daft, so maybe I should have just sent the email but the tasks on my shoulders build up then and even when I want to do everything myself things like buying a house etc normally mean he will have to have some input at some point.

@RubyEspadrilles I really can’t tell. I’m he doesn’t seem to ‘get things’ a lot it’s very frustrating. Like if I call it a red door and in his head it’s a rose door it cannot be a red door. But I’m supposed to know it’s actualllllly rose when I wouldn’t describe anything in such detail personally and wouldn’t use the same words he does a lot of the time (like rose instead of red)

OP posts:
corblimeygvnr · 12/06/2026 12:22

Has this just started or has he always been like this?

Ohthatsabitshit · 12/06/2026 12:23

Well why not let him actually send the email in his own words?

olivietolivie · 12/06/2026 12:23

I’m autistic and what he says out loud is what my brain does. I’ve learnt not to say it out loud and if I was in his shoes and genuinely not sure we were talking about the same house I’d call it up on right move and say ‘this one?’ (And quietly scream inside that it is rose not red but KNOW it doesn’t matter 🤣)

Mauveviolet · 12/06/2026 12:26

@corblimeygvnr i don’t feel like I could have missed that he was always like this but I’m doubting everything these days.

I am wondering if before dc I just did everything myself though and had more patience to run with this and get everything sorted myself so it’s a possibility but I am left thinking how on earth did I ever put up with it as I’m suffocating from frustration inside. Feeling like it’s all bubbling over internally these days.

OP posts:
CarpetofBluebells · 12/06/2026 12:30

He sounds like hard work, but also it sounds like you are micro managing him.
You asked him to email the school, why did you have to tell him what to say? (Seriously, you were trying to book an appointment, all the fluff about a playing field was way too much!).

Mauveviolet · 12/06/2026 12:33

@Ohthatsabitshit he can of course he can but he won’t because he’ll sit there all day wondering if it is actually a big field instead and it’s Friday so I’d like to get the email done before the weekend.

Also, with important things he’ll do send an email like ‘we really like the shape of the napkins at your last sports event so dc would love to see your school’ and it leaves us being rejected or left out of lots of events, socially and business related where people think he’s being facetious. And lots of people can be very unforgiving so I end up taking the reins more than I would like to. @CarpetofBluebells yes I am I don’t know how not to now. Maybe I should leave him in charge of less important things but then he gets insulted if I do that.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 12/06/2026 12:35

The problem @Mauveviolet is that you're expecting him to do things your way rather than just saying "please can you do X task?". So in the school example you should have just said "please can you make an appointment with the school?" not added in the entirely unnecessary prompt about the playing fields.

Also don't give in and take over - that's just encouraging weaponised incompetence. It will make it more likely he will burble to ensure you do a task.

Mauveviolet · 12/06/2026 12:37

@harriethoyle yes you’re right. I should have done that. I do fear he’ll add some off thing in the email that results in us being ignored as has happened many times so it’s probably my own anxiety I need to deal with.

OP posts:
Mauveviolet · 12/06/2026 12:38

he won’t send the email now though because I’ve set him off about the sports field.

OP posts:
Aluna · 12/06/2026 12:40

Is this not a subtle form of PDA? If he’s arguing about the colour of fhe door or the size of the field he doesn’t have to do anything about either.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 12/06/2026 12:41

Somehow I suspect he doesn't behave like this at work.....

Ohthatsabitshit · 12/06/2026 12:45

I’m not sure why you would have to say anything about the sports field to ask to view a school??? Honestly just book an appointment and stop worrying about what impression you are making and some weird embarrassment on behalf of your husband. Nobody cares if he’s a pedant, has communication difficulties or is hen pecked. The school are interested in your son.
The house could have been dealt with by just texting him a link to the one you meant or showing him on your phone.
Focus on the job in hand not how sub par your partner is because he doesn’t leap to the same thought pattern as you fast enough.

Thundertoast · 12/06/2026 12:47

Mauveviolet · 12/06/2026 12:26

@corblimeygvnr i don’t feel like I could have missed that he was always like this but I’m doubting everything these days.

I am wondering if before dc I just did everything myself though and had more patience to run with this and get everything sorted myself so it’s a possibility but I am left thinking how on earth did I ever put up with it as I’m suffocating from frustration inside. Feeling like it’s all bubbling over internally these days.

I think you have correctly identified this as part of the problem, I bet he had someone else handle this stuff (or just lived a chaotic life) before you came along. He needs practice, but he first needs to realise that its a problem.
How does he respond when you challenge 'I know this already, you dont need to explain' or 'the detail of the exact colour doesnt matter though, do you want to view the house?'
I imagine that he just continues on his way and then gets offended if you go 'IT DOESNT MATTER' or 'i KNOW' but I dont want to assume...
What does he do for work?

Isitevensummer · 12/06/2026 12:48

What does he say of you discuss this with him? That you need and want him to play an equal part in the relationship but the everything gets derailed by his focus on small details rather than an overview. Does he know how you feel?

comedycentral · 12/06/2026 12:50

Theeyeballsinthesky · 12/06/2026 12:41

Somehow I suspect he doesn't behave like this at work.....

This.
Also op, now you've noticed it, it will drive you insane

AImportantMermaid · 12/06/2026 12:55

Oh Gosh - my ex was like this! Is yours an academic? Mine was - and he had no inner monologue so every single tiny decision had to be discussed at length. I was so glad when a Lidl opened near us because there was much less choice than Tesco. Beans were beans - there weren’t a hundred different kinds of beans to compare and contrast. Lidl cut the shopping time by about half.

pikkumyy77 · 12/06/2026 13:02

Computer geek? But you should wander over to the long running thread for people with autistic partners. You will find your experience validated. Maybe show him a decision tree and show how bypassing extraneous issues gets to an action faster.