Dh constantly derails conversations over details and nothing gets resolved

[Mauveviolet]

Every single day I have a conversation that runs something like this ‘I think we should look at that house I saw on rightmove the other day the one with the red door and nice front garden with the green car out the front because it’s probably going to sell quickly’ and he’ll reply like this ‘which house? Which one are you talking about?’ And I’ll say ‘it’s the only house we’ve seen on Rightmove for the last month don’t you remember it’ and he’ll say something like ‘we haven’t seen a house on Rightmove with a red door or a green car. Do you mean the one with the rose front door and the teal car out the front but that was on zoopla so no it can’t be that one’. Then he’ll do something like sip his coffee and look away.

shit conversation example but every single conversation I have with him runs like this, today I’ve just had to sit on the bed and sigh into my pillow as the conversation is more important than the above and I need a resolution and answer that affects our dc and he’s acting like a toddler that can’t understand me on anything I’m saying.

Feels like every conversation I have I have to explain everything in great detail or he doesn’t understand or unless I give the facts exactly the way he imagines them I cant possibly be speaking about anything he can recall except I can’t always guess how he’s imaging things.

im so tired of it all. We get nothing sorted because by the time ive finished explaining that it does in fact appear that the house he’s thinking of may actually be the very same house after all in spite of him believing it had a teal car not a blue one I’m too exhausted to sort out everything that needs to be sorted.

I’ve asked him to just run with what I say because then life would probably go smoother and tasks will get done more quickly but he still insists on these mini ‘actually’ moments. He also likes to explain things I already know a lot, simple things that pretty much everyone has to know I really feel like I can’t take it any more.

Those are great examples OP. It does seem very autistic and reminds me of conversations I have with my partner, which can be really frustrating.

I admit to being confused about why you need to give a reason to the school for an appointment to view. You both seem to be overthinking things. If he’s slightly PDA and you’re being perfectionist in your expectations around tasks, it’s a recipe for disaster.

You have to remember that if he has an issue then he will spend large amounts of time covering this up or trying to blend in. I've only known my h for 10 years but I can see his issues. He has other family members like this. Their mother was a very harsh mother so I don't know if it's because they tried to get everything right to avoid her tempers or if she was like that because they drove her mad. I can see how he struggles at times , jumps on words to try to make sense of what I'm saying. My issue is that if he doesn't get something he can get snappy with me. I won't have that and state that clearly. He had a very successful career.

Does this happen with things that matter to him? Does this obsession with the minutiae prevent him from:

Working
Having sex
Having hobbies?

Yes both sides have to acknowledge that there's something going on and figure out a way to make progress.

It’s sounds annoying but asking an adult to email for an appointment and telling him what to say is also very annoying. I assume he holds down a job - just tell him to sort an appointment. You don’t need to police how he does it. However I am very interested in why you think he’s the cause of you not being invited to things. Can you give some examples of this?

Maybe it is that we’re incompatible.

i agree about the email and me micromanaging. It’s a private school that is difficult to get into so I was hoping to put the best foot forward but maybe it doesn’t matter and I just need to see the school anyway. He has been known to send emails that are so odd we just get ignored or bit taken seriously so it has led to me micro managing to avoid ‘bad reactions’ so I’ll have to work on that myself.

he does have a job but he’s also complained about there and has been made redundant a few times although I’ve never found out exactly why.

I don’t think he will ever change of course I’ve sat down and talked about things and also asked him how can I communicate better so he’ll understand when I’m talking about the red door which in his head is a rose door etc.

showing him a picture is all very well but it’s so much ‘extra’ work when it’s all day every day and I already feel so frazzled in life and when I talk to other peoples partners and they simply reply as I’m expecting them to I find myself daydreaming about a life not spent explaining, pointing disagreeing…

He sounds very neurodivergent.
I agree with others, for decisions it needs to be 'please book a follow up appointment to view this house' , or 'please book an appt to see this school'. Don't add unnecessary detail. I personally couldn't put up with this at all, even reading your message makes me feel insanely frustrated on your behalf.

Definitely sounds neuro divergent. My DH is also and I absolutely recognise what you are saying, he can become hyper fixated on a seemingly random detail and it throws off the conversation or what I have asked him to do. I find keeping the discussion specific - can you email 'name of school' for an appointment please is generally a better way to go.

Hi OP I have a husband who is very possibly ND and this is very familiar!

In his case it is more that he cannot see patterns.

For example, we have to bring our supermarket shop in at a specific budget point. He often does not do this. If I say "look we never seem to stick to the budget" he will say "well actually back in May I did that really cheap shop" or "yeah but I got nappies and peanut butter and and and".

Both of which avoid the actual point!

I deal with it by:

• doing some tasks myself
• with others, being very clear about the outcome and the parameters, almost like prompting an AI

thanks for doing the shop. Remember it needs to come in at £200 or under. If it doesn't please put stuff back. The stuff you can easily put back if needed is x and y.

But I agree, it's exhausting and a major factor in why I think we will split up eventually.

This would drive me crazy OP.

Honestly, ND or not I could not live with him

I'm wondering if it's the moon stage just now because my DH has been a bit off the last two days.

I think that if you don't really trust him with the task and it's important, you need to do it yourself.

What is he good at that you could shift onto his shoulders instead?

He'd drive me bonkers.

If he is autistic, then I think it would be good for him to look into it and see what tips and strategies might help him day to day, because it can't be a good feeling to lose jobs and have people frustrated with him. He might be able to get reasonable adjustments and accommodations at work etc.

As you’ve said he can send odd emails, if it’s something as important as visiting a school for your child, I wouldn’t let him deal with it, you just do It then you won’t have to worry about what he’s up to or listen to his ramblings.

Secondly is it possible for you both to set up a list of tasks that he’s responsible for and just leave him to it?

I bet he does. The number of my male colleagues who wouldn't actually answer the question and go off on a tangent beggars belief. The more straight forward the question and the answer the worse it would be.

There were at least 2 who were definitely ND. Overall there were a select few who could have put a politician to shame.

OP, is he lovely in other ways? This sounds incredibly challenging. I think you will need to find some way to conversationally coexist and soon, not least because you still sound young and I am concerned you might actually cause him harm during the first flushes of perimenopausal rage.

There is only one person's behaviour you can change and that is your own. You need to find a way of not getting into the weeds of the detail in the first place. Can you try making clear and concise requests and see how it goes? Exit the conversation with a smile whilst he is debating the size of the sports field. Could you say, 'I don't know. Please send the email' and exit stage right?

I used to find my family's habit of consulting me to find lost things prior to actually looking a real challenge. A friend of mine told me her solution and it has solved the issue.

It used to go along the lines of someone asking where something was and me, often huffily, getting up fueled with low level resentment that I was somehow the only person who could locate the cheese in the fridge, find said item and stomp off again. Now I literally do nothing for a while which gives them time to at least look. I don't respond at all even if I know full well where it is. Spoiler: the cheese is in the fridge. You might need to move something else to see it but I have no specialist skills in this area.

If the thing is still lost a few minutes later I ask if they need my help or if they plan to find it themselves. It may have been located without my help. Often they decline my assistance and suggest a new location to search. I smile and nod as they go off to do just that.

I used to view this as a question that I should answer and now I consider it a monologue. Unless specifically asked for my help, I remain where I was, untroubled. It has honestly been life changing. They have largely got out of the habit.

Sometimes someone will question where something is and then suggest where they will look first. I have been left out of the equation, thank goodness. It was my own fault for getting involved and feeling somehow responsible for where everything was. I am now perfectly cheerfully able to say I don't know where someone's something is with good grace and let them look independently.

My life, marriage and relationship with DD have all improved hugely.

Might something along these lines provide an escape from the sort of circular and maddening conversations you find yourself in?

If I wasn't sure that the sports field was objectively big, I too would question that point, and be uncomfortable about sending that email.

If you don't have the energy to engage in a discussion, don't mention extraneous points that are debatable e.g. about the sports field size.

Most recipients of business type emails would prefer brief, to the point requests for an appointment without a load of waffle which they certainly won't remember when you actually attend the appointment.

It seems to me that as a couple you are very similar but fix on different details. Perhaps if you could refine your own approach, OP, that would help

I think OP is highly prosocial and socially aware and so she tries to structure things so that things will go well in social interactions. Me too! I have a quasi social interaction with everyone—my dry cleaner, the checkout person, the doctors staff because I enjoy it and it creates good feeling which pays off down the line, at any rate it makes interactions more pleasant and humane.

In my experience this is generally well received or, if its not, I can handle it with a shrug and move on. Other people, like my dh, can’t handle such potentially risky interactions. They worry it won’t be received well, they don’t think its necessary, they see human interactions as painful, sticky, risky and would prefer interacting with computers or robots. These interactions are chores, to them not interesting moments of community engagement.

But rather than sit for hours debating the size point to yourself, couldn't you just write "my child is keen on sports, and so we were particularly attracted by your sports facilities".

Why make heavy weather over a word? Agree, disagree, it's not the important part of the message you would be trying to convey.

Honestly, actually have the house conversation and when he "well actually's" you, say, "oh never mind, I'll go and see it alone as I'm going to be living their alone" then turn and sip tea.

And divorce him he sounds INSUFFERABLE.

Do couples have actual conversations like this? If I'd said what OP said to my husband, and he thought it was stupid then he just wouldn't put in the bit about the field. It's so inconsequential, and the "big" being a question mark is ridiculous - it's a sports field, ergo it is big even if your "big" is smaller than my "big".

OMG @Mauveviolet I'm getting enraged on your behalf.

If it was up to me, I could word it differently, or write something different. But if my partner has told me to mention the big field, I need to discuss it with them, not take it upon myself to go against what they have said.
This is disempowerment. Not feeling I can just do my own thing, so need to discuss it and agree first.

The answer is to stop the disempowerment by not micromanaging, or else be prepared to discuss it all in great detail.

Autistic DH does exactly this and I love the absolute bones of him but man sometimes I want to punch his arm in frustration at the absolute need for precision. He also has the thing of never ending autistic right thinking that mean I’d like to do his other arm other days.

Is he being pedantic and obtuse purposefully do you think?
Or is he potentially neurodivergent and the details really do matter to him even though it's tedious to others?

I totally get your frustration, id suggest keeping such questions short and direct and y/n. And regardless of whether he's playing dumb OR genuinely confused, where possible send him a link
E.g.in your Rightmove example
You: do you want to view that house we saw on Rightmove?
Him: huh? Which house?
You: ill send you a link to it now.
Let me know yes or no and I'll book a viewing if yes.