Should I tell my mum about father's OW?

[Macinae]

My dad has had two affairs with two different women (that I know of) and both times I was the one who found out and told my mum, which was very difficult. She chose to stay with him both times, I think out of convenience, as I know they're both unhappy. First time was around 2018, second was 2021. Both times my dad said he broke it off. This brings me to present day: I noticed that my dad and the first OW are friends on social media and are liking each others pictures as recently as the last few days. She has also been keeping tabs on me as I can see she's viewed my stories on social media from the last few days too even though we aren't friends (my story was inadvertently set to public instead of just friends, but I decided to keep it this way just to see how much she's looking at my profile).

My question is: given that neither time I've told my mum she's done anything with the info, should I not tell her what's going on this time? Even if he's not seeing her now, why is he friends on social media with the woman he had an affair with? I'm extremely close with my mum, not close with my dad so my loyalty is definitely to her, but would I be helping her by telling her or not? I'm also feeling fed up with my dad putting me in this position, but hate to think of my mum being in the dark. As adult DC to our parents, at what point do we just mind our business?

This is awful, im so sorry you're in this position. I think YOUR feelings matter most here- would you rather tell her or not tell her?

I think it’s clear telling her is just causing her pain, they also you know have a marriage of convenience, and that’s difficult in so many ways, not just for your mother, but also him, as he’s also staying for as reason. It maybe financial for both of them, or fear of being alone.

you need to do what you need to do, but me, I’d just look away now,

You have told her before and she chose not to act. I would assume the same thing would happen if you told her now.

I would tell her OP.
What she does with the information is up to her.

I think not telling her makes you a party to your fathers deceit. If she finds out at a later date that you knew what was going on and kept quiet about it she would have every right to feel betrayed by you as well

This^^

I would ask her if she wants me to tell her about any cheating going forward. Give her that agency at least. If she wants to live in ignorant bliss she can, and you can then stop thinking about it now and in the future. If she says she wants to know then tell her about this latest issue.

It might make her think. It will give you insight.

Thanks all, I appreciate the different perspectives. Just trying to think things through I guess and put my mum's feelings first. It's that old dilemma of is it more hurtful or less hurtful to tell the truth. I'm trying to be respectful that it's their marriage and quite frankly nothing to do with me as their adult DC, but at the same time, it's my mum.

@Alwayslurkingsometimesposting thank you for that. I'd be lying if I said it's not taking a toll on me, even though it's absolutely my mum's heartbreak primarily. I'm just so fed up of feeling this same weight, almost like it's my secret even though it's not mine.

Would your mum know that you know if she finds out? If she wouldn’t ever know then just stay out of it. If you would be outed on finding out then it’s tricky…maybe you could ask - do you think dad would ever have another affair and how would you feel type questions to start with…not sure. Difficult position to be in…

This. She stayed. Twice. I wouldn't tell her in your place.

I wouldn’t tell her, as given her decision to stay with him, it will only achieve upset.

You don’t know for certain that they’re seeing each other. You could tell her about the social media though.

One day he might fall in love with someone and leave her. She needs to be prepared for that. She’s decided to ignore his behaviour rather than rock the boat, but there is no guarantee that he’ll stay.

No. It's never appropriate to interfere in someone else's marriage, whether or not they are your parents.

Honestly, I would bring it up and say 'mum, obviously ive had to break the news that dad is cheating twice now, and you've stayed with him which you are of course within your rights to do, but I just wanted to check if it happens again, do you want me to tell you or not?'
Tough conversation but not as tough as the two times before, and at least you know where she stands?

Your mom has decided that she'll remain in the marriage despite your dad being a serial cheat. There's no point tormenting her with new information. She knows enough.

I definitely agree. Tell her about the SM but don't call it cheating yet as you don't know for sure that it's physical. This is bad enough. Maybe ask her if she'd want to know if he and 1st OW are in contact? She won't welcome the info but she needs to know it may happen again and be somewhat prepared in case he leaves her.

I feel so sorry for your mum, but even more for you. You've had to carry so much weight that shouldn't have been yours to begin with.

I think you should talk to your dad and ask him and his mistresses to be a little more discreet, because it’s pretty selfish putting you in this position repeatedly.
they don’t need to be liking everything all the time, they’re not 12 years old. She also doesn’t need to be keeping tabs on you. They need to get a grip.

I would also tell your mum, not that there’s an affair but just what is happening. And then I’d ask her if she wants to know next time this comes up. Then it’s her call then.

Thank you, that's very kind of you to acknowledge. They are both my parents at the end of the day so impossible for me not to feel involved especially when I'm the one constantly finding out.

Have you ever spoken to your dad about his affairs? Perhaps now is the time. Let him know that it affects you.

I agree with this.

I agree.

@Macinae - I’d try and support your mum in other ways, help her enjoy things that are meaningful to her.

Not the first time but the second time his OW messaged me late at night introducing herself as his GF and saying horrible things about my mum. It was out of the blue for me. I told my mum and stayed with her, my dad came home the next morning with a split lip where OW2 had beat him up after she messaged me. Therefore he had no choice but to acknowledge and apologise to me. There was obviously then a private conversation between him and my mum. Since then he prides himself on learning lessons and being a "family man" when in reality he is a narcissist. I don't judge my mum for staying with him, they are mid 60's and there would be significant financial implications. I'm just sick of the whole thing.

I would let my 'D'F know I think he's a piece of shit. And then stop interacting with him. Protect your. DM if you want, but let him know how you feel.

Tell her but say you wont do it again, she needs to figure herself out. x

Crikey he has interesting taste in women to have an affair with. I think yes, tell your mum. Tell her so she knows to do the bare minimum at home. Tell her to start taking money from the joint account and open a savings account of her own. She can take her time deciding what to do longterm.
Look after yourself too.

I'd definitely tell her. It's patronising to withhold that info, she is a grown woman, she can decide what to do with the info.

And infidelity is abuse. In particular, it is physical abuse because cheaters rarely wear condoms, so he could be infecting your mother with STIs that could cause cancer or significant pain. It is sexual abuse because most women would not consent to having sex if they knew their partner was cheating. It is also often financial abuse because cheaters often drop a lot of cash on their OWs. And of course it is emotional abuse. And the chance of him ditching your mother for an OW is high - your mother may not eventually have the choice to stay married to this lying hound. Better for her to protect herself now rather than when she is 70.

You have my sympathy. My dad was a serial cheat, he caused my mother so much anguish. He eventually did it openly, because he knew she wouldn't leave. At the end, he left her, when she had a heart attack. She wasn't useful to him then, so left her for an OW 6 months later.

Had I been in your shoes, I would have told her.