Was I wrong to go for a meal with male gym friends?

[BeRubyMaker]

Hi, just wondered if anyone please had any opinion on the situation below which is causing friction between husband and me. I was invited to a meal out from our gym with male friends only who are all about 10 years older married/widowed and have been out on Christmas meet up previously with them. I was invited and went, then husband is super annoyed as he found it was all men went. Nothing untoward at all it was simply a meet up meal with people I’ve been with before to a local restaurant and was not doing anything else that evening I asked my friend she said just go what’s the problem. Any opinions I feel awful it has upset him but thought nothing of it at the time. 😥now I’m really upset as he has hardly spoke to me for days as says it’s weird going out with only all male friends. Help I do not know how to handle this.

Ofcourse it is fine to do this! Your DH needs to address his insecurities, and also his inability to deal with his feelings in a constructive manner. Being cold, sullen etc is ridiculous behaviour in an adult relationship.

Tell him to be a grown up and use his words!

Not speaking to you for days is the thing that strikes me as very odd behaviour.

Is he generally poor at articulating his concerns, or is he punishing you?

Having a difference of opinion over who a spouse hangs out with is a topic that comes up sometimes, and it’s not unreasonable for one person to feel uneasy, threatened, insecure for various reasons - they may not even have much to do with the current relationship. Being able to talk it through is important, so that it doesn’t become a bigger problem, or devolve into coercive control.

I notice that you’re concerned about upsetting him. Is he concerned about upsetting you with this silent treatment?

Your husband sounds a jealous, insecure idiot who is abusive to boot. How often does he subject you to the silent treatment when he 'upsets himself?

People judge others based on their own thoughts/behaviours. If he thinks that you going out with some male friends would result in you playing away, safe to say if he went out with a bunch of females he would.

You will get two sets of opinions on this one. I am of the opinion that your husband is being ridiculous. There will be many others on here who will castigate you for daring to be alone with members of the opposite sex.

I would beore concerned about the fact he has hardly spoken to you for days. That sort of response to a disagreement is not healthy.

If it was one man fair enough … but 10 … does he think you’re going to do a Bonnie Blue?! 🤯

I think it would have been civil to mention it to him beforehand rather than him finding out afterwards. He is being very childish to give you the silent treatment though.

Gross...and pathetic comment

is there any back story op?
has he been jealous like this before?
Have you developed a friendship with one of these men which now goes beyond the gym?

I think most women would feel uncomfortable about their husband going out with a bunch of fit women as the only man. That's got to make the typical person feel a bit inferior no?

Was he mad at Christmas too?

There are so many threads on MN where OP's are concerned about their DH or DP being very friendly with younger women at the gym. If the situation was reversed there would be few of them who would not be happy to find their DH or DP had gone out for a meal with his friends and a younger woman without the occasion being discussed with them first.

I think OP should have talked to her Dh before she went out with these men friends. He is wrong to go in the huff with her but I think OP should have had some consideration and talked to him prior to the meal to set his mind at rest. It's the perceived secrecy that is the problem here.

If my DH went out with 10 sexy women I’d be fuming too 😅

Hi to you all and thank you so so much for all of your replies, I feel so much better. I wasn’t sure if it was all down to me being totally unreasonable so it’s brilliant to get other viewpoints. Thank you so much. I would reply to each of you individually but I could not see how to response individually back to you so thank you to you all and I should appreciate any more opinions. He often goes off not speaking for days but each time I get so worried we won’t be able to fix things and that I’m in the wrong it really gets me down and i feel awful and in tears. Plus it was my birthday yesterday and he never spoke to me apart from me saying I was sorry if the situation has upset him there was nothing untoward and looking back I could see how it may look but he just replied it was weird to go out with a bunch of fellas and I shouldn’t have gone then stormed off. No word since and I’ve been beside myself upset I can’t really talk to my mum or friends as I know they’ll just take my side anyway. Thank you for your help.

Oh that's horrible that he didn't speak to you on your birthday. He sounds really unkind. I'd honestly think about leaving. This isn't about a meal with friends, its about control.

I can sort of understand it. But to give you the silent treatment is a bit childish. Its not as if you're hopping into bed with them all. It OK to have friends if the opposite sex. My partner has a male friend she's met up with for years. I don't have a peoblem with it. He's in his mid 60s and divorced. They get on but there's been no bed-hopping! He's a nice guy and I know him quite well myself. He's a bit of a DIYer....so handy to know!

The fact you get the silent treatment for days is the most worrying thing for me. Every couple have disagreements. Taking an hour to cool down is fine but not speaking for days is not on in my book.

By all means take time to cool off after an argument but then discuss it like adults. If my OH didn't speak to me for days we would not be together.

You should LTB and I'm not joking. He's pathetic and abusive. That would be the last birthday I'd spend with him.

Silent treatment on your birthday, what a lovely husband.
My work is mainly women. We've had many a night out with just one bloke present.
My old work i used to be the only lady present quite often.
It's not like you went out with just 1 man.

thanks all for your opinions it is much appreciated. Just to add on this it was four persons from our Gym who are all about 10 years or more older and two married-none of them “fit” -sorry guys! One is a deacon and one is widowed. I didn’t think it was an issue if all men or not I said to him
the gym people went out with at Xmas though admittedly then the wives went and this was just a gym outing looking back should have said but I didn’t even think this would cause such a problem I never would have gone!

The fact he has a problem with you spending the evening with 4 blokes is apparently not unusual and something you should discuss.

The fact he cannot discuss that and gave silent treatment for multiple days is a huge problem.

OP, I don't think you have done anything unreasonable here. He is your partner not your Dad and you are an adult, not a child. What might he object to next?

I went out last night to a group bike ride and stayed for dinner afterwards- the table I sat at was me and four men. My DH was very happy with that and it sounds like a similar set up. DH was only interested in if I'd enjoyed myself and asked if someone had a copy of the route. I don't think it would have occurred to him that me being the only woman could be any kind of problem.

He has been out for work events where it has turned out to be largely women, It wouldn't occur to me to have a problem with that. Your partner does not sound like he has your best interests at heart. He should want you to enjoy yourself both when he is present and when he is not. Ignoring someone anytime and especially on their birthday is appalling, especially your partner. You are worth much more than this, OP.

Your husband sounds like a controlling twat.

Not talking to your on your birthday over this issue (which to me is a non-issue, my partner goes out with his zumba pals for meals, I like the ladies too!) ! This is really ridiculous. Instead of being worried about why he isn't talking to you and getting upset, channel that curiosity towards yourself - why are you okay with being treated like this? What kind of template did you have for relationships growing up? If you don't have kids yet, please don't go down that path until you've worked on your relationship and self-esteem.

As far as I'm concerned, stonewalling you for days as a way of behaving in a relationship is unacceptable, especially over your birthday.

This is far more problematic and damaging than going out for a meal with four blokes from the gym. When he's ignored you for days on end in the past, what's it been about?